What to do if a child is aggressive. Children's aggression: advice from a psychologist

What is aggressiveness?

The word "aggression" comes from the Latin "agressio", which means "attack", "attack". The psychological dictionary provides the following definition of this term: “Aggression is motivated destructive behavior that contradicts the norms and rules of the existence of people in society, harming the objects of attack (animate and inanimate), causing physical and moral harm to people or causing them psychological discomfort (negative experiences, a state of tension, fear, depression, etc.)".

Reasons for aggression Children can be very different. Some somatic diseases or brain diseases contribute to the emergence of aggressive qualities. It should be noted that upbringing in the family plays a huge role, from the first days of a child’s life. Sociologist M. Mead has proven that in cases where a child is abruptly weaned and communication with the mother is reduced to a minimum, children develop such qualities as anxiety, suspicion, cruelty, aggressiveness, and selfishness. And vice versa, when there is gentleness in communication with a child, the child is surrounded by care and attention, these qualities are not developed.

The development of aggressive behavior is greatly influenced by the nature of the punishments that parents usually use in response to the manifestation of anger in their child. In such situations, two polar methods of influence can be used: either leniency or severity. Paradoxically, aggressive children are equally common in parents who are too lenient and those who are overly strict.

Studies have shown that parents who sharply suppress aggressiveness in their children, contrary to their expectations, do not eliminate this quality, but, on the contrary, cultivate it, developing excessive aggressiveness in their son or daughter, which will manifest itself even in adulthood. After all, everyone knows that evil only breeds evil, and aggression only breeds aggression.
If parents do not pay any attention to the aggressive reactions of their child, then he very soon begins to believe that such behavior is permissible, and single outbursts of anger imperceptibly develop into the habit of acting aggressively.

Only parents who know how to find a reasonable compromise, a “golden mean,” can teach their children to cope with aggression.

Portrait of an aggressive child

In almost every kindergarten group, in every class, there is at least one child with signs of aggressive behavior. He attacks the other children, calls them names and beats them, takes away and breaks toys, deliberately uses rude expressions, in a word, becomes a “thunderstorm” for the entire children’s group, a source of grief for teachers and parents. This rough, pugnacious, rude child is very difficult to accept as he is, and even more difficult to understand.

However, an aggressive child, like any other, needs affection and help from adults, because his aggression is, first of all, a reflection of internal discomfort, the inability to adequately respond to events happening around him.

An aggressive child often feels rejected and unwanted. The cruelty and indifference of parents leads to a breakdown in the child-parent relationship and instills in the child’s soul the confidence that he is not loved. “How to become loved and needed” is an insoluble problem facing a little man. So he is looking for ways to attract the attention of adults and peers. Unfortunately, these searches do not always end as we and the child would like, but he does not know how to do better.

This is how N.L. describes it. Kryazheva’s behavior of these children: “An aggressive child, using every opportunity, ... seeks to anger his mother, teacher, and peers. He “does not calm down” until the adults explode and the children get into a fight” (1997, p. 105).

Parents and teachers do not always understand what the child is trying to achieve and why he behaves this way, although he knows in advance that he may receive rebuff from children, and punishment from adults. In reality, this is sometimes just a desperate attempt to win one’s “place in the sun.” The child has no idea how else to fight for survival in this strange and cruel world, how to protect himself.

Aggressive children are very often suspicious and wary, they like to shift the blame for the quarrel they started onto others. For example, while playing in the sandbox during a walk, two children from the preparatory group got into a fight. Roma hit Sasha with a shovel. When asked by the teacher why he did this, Roma sincerely answered: “Sasha had a shovel in his hands, and I was very afraid that he would hit me.” According to the teacher, Sasha did not show any intentions to offend or hit Roma, but Roma perceived this situation as threatening.

Such children often cannot assess their own aggressiveness. They do not notice that they instill fear and anxiety in those around them. On the contrary, it seems to them that the whole world wants to offend them. Thus, a vicious circle results: aggressive children fear and hate those around them, and those, in turn, fear them.

At the Doverie PPMS center in the city of Lomonosov, a mini-survey was conducted among older preschoolers, the purpose of which was to find out how they understand aggressiveness. Here are the answers given by aggressive and non-aggressive children (Table 4).

The emotional world of aggressive children is not rich enough; their palette of feelings is dominated by gloomy tones, and the number of reactions even to standard situations is very limited. Most often these are defensive reactions. In addition, children cannot look at themselves from the outside and adequately evaluate their behavior.

Table 4. Understanding of aggression by older preschoolers

Question	Responses from aggressive children	Responses from non-aggressive children
1. Which people do you consider aggressive?	Mom and dad, because they swear, beat, fight (50% of children surveyed)	Indians, bandits, hunters, because they kill people and animals (63% boys, 80% girls)
2. What would you do if you met an aggressive adult?	Started to fight”, “I would hit” (83% of boys, 27% of girls), “I would splash, get dirty” (36% of girls)	I just passed by and turned away" (83% of boys, 40% of girls), "I would call my friends for help" (50% of girls)
3. What would you do if you met an aggressive boy (girl)?	I would fight" (92% of boys, 54% of girls), "I would run away" (36% of girls)	I would leave, run away" (83% boys, 50% girls)
4. Do you consider yourself aggressive?	“No” - 88% of boys, 54% of girls “Yes” - 12% of boys, 46% of girls	“No” 92% of boys, 100% of girls. "Yes" - 8% of boys

Thus, children often adopt aggressive forms of behavior from their parents.

How to identify an aggressive child

Aggressive children need understanding and support from adults, so our main task is not to make an “accurate” diagnosis, much less “give a label,” but to provide feasible and timely assistance to the child.

As a rule, it is not difficult for educators and teachers to determine which of the children has a higher level of aggressiveness. But in controversial cases, you can use the criteria for determining aggressiveness, which were developed by American psychologists M. Alvord and P. Baker.

Aggression criteria (child observation scheme)
Child:

Often loses control of himself.
Often argues and quarrels with adults.
Often refuses to follow rules.
Often deliberately annoys people.
Often blames others for his mistakes.
Often gets angry and refuses to do anything.
Often envious and vindictive.
He is sensitive, reacts very quickly to various actions of others (children and adults), which often irritate him.

It can be assumed that a child is aggressive only if at least 4 of the 8 listed signs have been manifested in his behavior for at least 6 months.

A child whose behavior shows a large number of signs of aggressiveness needs the help of a specialist: a psychologist or a doctor.

In addition, in order to identify aggressiveness in a child in a kindergarten group or in a classroom, you can use a special questionnaire developed for educators (Lavrentieva G.P., Titarenko T.M., 1992).

Criteria for aggressiveness in a child (questionnaire)

At times it seems that he is possessed by an evil spirit.
He cannot remain silent when he is dissatisfied with something.
When someone does him harm, he always tries to repay the same.
Sometimes he feels like cursing for no reason.
It happens that he takes pleasure in breaking toys, breaking something, gutting something.
Sometimes he insists on something so much that those around him lose patience.
He doesn't mind teasing animals.
It's hard to argue with him.
He gets very angry when he thinks that someone is making fun of him.
Sometimes he has a desire to do something bad, shocking those around him.
In response to ordinary orders, he strives to do the opposite.
Often grouchy beyond his age.
Perceives himself as independent and decisive.
Likes to be the first, to command, to subjugate others.
Failures cause him great irritation and a desire to find someone to blame.
He quarrels easily and gets into fights.
Tries to communicate with younger and physically weaker people.
He often has bouts of gloomy irritability.
Doesn't take into account peers, doesn't yield, doesn't share.
I am confident that he will complete any task to the best of his ability.

A positive answer to each proposed statement is scored 1 point.
High aggressiveness - 15-20 points.
Average aggressiveness -7-14 points.
Low aggressiveness -1-6 points.

We present these criteria so that the educator or teacher, having identified an aggressive child, can subsequently develop his own strategy of behavior with him and help him adapt to the children's team.

How to help an aggressive child

Why do you think children fight, bite and push, and sometimes in response to any, even friendly, treatment they “explode” and rage?

There can be many reasons for this behavior. But often children do exactly this because they don’t know how to do otherwise. Unfortunately, their behavioral repertoire is quite meager, and if we give them the opportunity to choose ways of behavior, children will gladly respond to the offer, and our communication with them will become more effective and enjoyable for both parties.

This advice (providing a choice in how to interact) is especially relevant when it comes to aggressive children. Job educators and teachers with this category of children should be carried out in three directions:

Working with anger. Teaching aggressive children acceptable ways to express anger.
Teaching children the skills of recognition and control, the ability to control themselves in situations that provoke outbursts of anger.
Formation of the ability to empathy, trust, sympathy, empathy, etc.

Dealing with anger

What is anger? This is a feeling of intense resentment, which is accompanied by a loss of control over oneself. Unfortunately, in our culture, it is generally accepted that expressing anger is an undignified reaction. Already in childhood, this idea is instilled in us by adults - parents, grandparents, teachers. However, psychologists do not recommend holding back this emotion every time, since in this way we can become a kind of “piggy bank of anger.” In addition, having driven anger inside, a person will most likely sooner or later feel the need to throw it out. But not on the one who caused this feeling, but on the one who “turned up” or on the one who is weaker and cannot fight back. Even if we try very hard and do not succumb to the seductive way of “erupting” anger, our “piggy bank,” replenished day by day with new negative emotions, may one day “burst.” Moreover, this does not necessarily end in hysterics and screams. Negative feelings that are released can “settle” inside us, which will lead to various somatic problems: headaches, stomach and cardiovascular diseases. K. Izard (1999) publishes clinical data obtained by Holt, which indicates that a person who constantly suppresses his anger is more at risk of psychosomatic disorders. According to Holt, unexpressed anger can be one of the causes of diseases such as rheumatoid arthritis, urticaria, psoriasis, stomach ulcers, migraines, hypertension, etc.

That is why one must free oneself from anger. Of course, this does not mean that everyone is allowed to fight and bite. We just have to learn ourselves and teach our children how to express anger in acceptable, non-destructive ways.
Since the feeling of anger most often arises as a result of restriction of freedom, then at the moment of the highest “intensity of passions” it is necessary to allow the child to do something that, perhaps, is not usually welcomed by us. Moreover, much depends on the form in which - verbal or physical - the child expresses his anger.

For example, in a situation where a child is angry with a peer and calls him names, you can draw the offender together with him, depict him in the form and in the situation in which the “offended” person wants. If the child knows how to write, you can let him sign the drawing the way he wants, if he doesn’t know how, you can sign it under his dictation. Of course, such work should be carried out one on one with the child, out of sight of the opponent.

This method of working with verbal aggression is recommended by V. Oklender. In her book “Windows into the World of a Child” (M., 1997) she describes her own experience of using this approach. After carrying out such work, children of preschool age (6-7 years old) usually experience relief.

True, in our society such “free” communication is not encouraged, especially the use of swear words and expressions by children in the presence of adults. But as practice shows, without expressing everything that has accumulated in the soul and on the tongue, the child will not calm down. Most likely, he will shout insults in the face of his “enemy,” provoking him to respond to abuse and attracting more and more “spectators.” As a result, the conflict between two children will escalate into a group-wide or even violent fight.

Perhaps a child who is not satisfied with the current situation, who is afraid for one reason or another to enter into open opposition, but nevertheless thirsts for revenge, will choose another path: he will persuade his peers not to play with the offender. This behavior works like a time bomb. A group conflict will inevitably flare up, only it will “mature” longer and involve a larger number of participants. The method proposed by V. Oaklander can help avoid many troubles and will help resolve the conflict situation.

Example
The preparatory group of the kindergarten was attended by two girlfriends - two Alenas: Alena S. and Alena E. They were inseparable from the nursery group, but, nevertheless, they argued endlessly and even fought. One day, when a psychologist came into the group, he saw that Alena S., not listening to the teacher who was trying to calm her down, was throwing everything that came to her hand and shouting that she hated everyone. The arrival of the psychologist could not have come at a more opportune time. Alena S., who really loved going into the psychological office, “allowed herself to be led away.”
In the psychologist's office, she was given the opportunity to choose her own activity. First, she took a huge inflatable hammer and began to hit the walls and floor with all her might, then she pulled out two rattles from the toy box and began to rattle them with delight. Alena did not answer the psychologist’s questions about what happened and who she was angry with, but she gladly agreed to the offer to draw together. The psychologist drew a big house, and the girl exclaimed: “I know, this is our kindergarten!”

No further help from an adult was needed: Alena began to draw and explain her drawings. First, a sandbox appeared in which small figures were located - the children of the group. Nearby there was a flower bed with flowers, a house, and a gazebo. The girl drew more and more small details, as if delaying the moment when she would have to draw something important for her. After some time, she drew a swing and said: “That’s it. I don’t want to draw anymore.” However, after hanging around the office, she again went to the sheet and drew a picture of a very small girl on a swing. When the psychologist asked who it was, Alena first answered that she didn’t know herself, but then added, after thinking: “It’s Alena E.. Let her go for a ride. I let her.” Then she spent a long time coloring her rival’s dress, first drew a bow in her hair, and then even a crown on her head, while explaining how good and kind Alena E. is. But then the artist suddenly stopped and gasped: “Ah!!! Alena fell from the swing! What will happen now? She got her dress dirty! (The dress is painted over with a black pencil with such pressure that even the paper can’t stand it, it tears). Mom and Dad they will scold her today, and maybe even beat her with a belt and put her in a corner. The crown fell off and rolled into the bushes (the painted golden crown suffers the same fate as the dress). face), her hair is disheveled (instead of a neat braid with a bow, a halo of black scribbles appears in the picture). Just think, who’s going to play with her now? There’s no need for her to give orders! I also know how to command. Now let him go wash himself, and we’re not as dirty as she is, we’ll all play together, without her.” Alena, completely satisfied, draws next to the defeated enemy a group of children surrounding the swing on which she, Alena S., is sitting. Then suddenly she draws another figure next to it. “This is Alena E.. She has already washed up,” she explains and asks, “Can I go to the group already?” Returning to the playroom, Alena S., as if nothing had happened, joins the playing guys. What happened in really? Probably, during the walk, the two inseparable Alenas, as always, were fighting for leadership. This time, the sympathies of the “spectators” were on the side of Alena E. Having expressed her anger on paper, her rival calmed down and came to terms with what was happening.

Of course, in this situation it was possible to use another technique, the main thing is that the child had the opportunity to free himself from the overwhelming anger in an acceptable way.

Another way to help children legally express verbal aggression is to play a game of name calling with them. Experience shows that children who have the opportunity to throw out negative emotions with the permission of the teacher, and after this hear something pleasant about themselves, the desire to act aggressively decreases.

The so-called “Scream Bag” (in other cases - “Scream Cup”, “Magic Scream Pipe”, etc.) can help children express anger in an accessible way, and the teacher can help conduct the lesson without hindrance. Before the start of the lesson, each child can go up to the “Scream Bag” and scream into it as loudly as possible. In this way he “gets rid” of his screaming for the duration of the lesson. After the lesson, children can “take back” their cry. Usually at the end of the lesson, the children leave the contents of the “Bag” with jokes and laughter for the teacher as a souvenir.

Every teacher, of course, has many ways of working with verbal manifestations of anger. We have listed only those that have proven effective in our practice. However, children are not always limited to a verbal (verbal) reaction to events. Very often, impulsive children first use their fists, and only then come up with offensive words. In such cases, we should also teach children how to cope with their physical aggression.

An educator or teacher, seeing that the children have “grown up” and are ready to enter into a “fight,” can instantly react and organize, for example, sports competitions in running, jumping, and throwing balls. Moreover, the offenders can be included in one team or be on rival teams. It depends on the situation and the depth of the conflict. At the end of the competition, it is best to have a group discussion during which each child can express the feelings that accompany him while completing the task.

Of course, holding competitions and relay races is not always advisable. In this case, you can use the available tools that need to be equipped for each kindergarten group and each class. Light balls that a child can throw at a target; soft pillows that an angry child can kick and hit; rubber hammers that can be used to hit the wall and floor with all your might; newspapers that can be crumpled and thrown without fear of breaking or destroying anything - all these items can help reduce emotional and muscle tension if we teach children to use them in extreme situations.

It is clear that in a classroom during a lesson a child cannot kick a tin can if he was pushed by a neighbor on his desk. But each student can create, for example, a “Sheet of Anger” (Fig. 2). Usually it is a format sheet that depicts some funny monster with a huge trunk, long ears or eight legs (at the author’s discretion). The owner of the leaf, at the moment of greatest emotional stress, can crush it and tear it. This option is suitable if the child has a fit of anger during a lesson.

However, most often conflict situations arise during breaks. Then you can play group games with the children (some of them are described in the section “How to play with aggressive children”). Well, in a kindergarten group it is advisable to have approximately the following arsenal of toys: inflatable dolls, rubber hammers, toy weapons.

True, many adults do not want their children to play with pistols, rifles and sabers, even toy ones. Some mothers do not buy their sons weapons at all, and teachers prohibit them from bringing them to the group. Adults think that playing with weapons provokes children into aggressive behavior and contributes to the emergence and manifestation of cruelty.

However, it’s no secret that even if boys don’t have pistols and machine guns, most of them will still play war, using rulers, sticks, clubs, and tennis rackets instead of toy weapons. The image of a male warrior, living in the imagination of every boy, is impossible without the weapons that adorn him. Therefore, from century to century, from year to year, our children (and not always only boys) play war. And who knows, maybe this is a harmless way to vent your anger. In addition, everyone knows that the forbidden fruit is especially sweet. By persistently prohibiting games with weapons, we thereby help to arouse interest in this type of game. Well, we can advise those parents who are still against pistols, machine guns, and bayonets: let them try to offer their child a worthy alternative. Maybe it will work! Moreover, there are many ways to work with anger and relieve a child’s physical stress. For example, playing with sand, water, clay.

You can make a figurine of your offender from clay (or you can even scratch his name with something sharp), break it, crush it, flatten it between your palms, and then restore it if desired. Moreover, it is precisely the fact that a child, at his own request, can destroy and restore his work that attracts children most of all.

Children also really like playing with sand, as well as with clay. Having become angry with someone, a child can bury a figurine symbolizing the enemy deep in the sand, jump in this place, pour water into it, and cover it with cubes and sticks. For this purpose, children often use small toys from Kinder Surprises. Moreover, sometimes they first place the figurine in a capsule and only then bury it.

By burying and digging up toys, working with loose sand, the child gradually calms down, returns to playing in a group or invites peers to play sand with him, but in other, not at all aggressive games. Thus the world is restored.

Small pools of water placed in a kindergarten group are a real godsend for a teacher when working with all categories of children, especially aggressive ones.
Many good books have been written about the psychotherapeutic properties of water, and every adult probably knows how to use water to relieve aggression and excessive tension in children. Here are some examples playing with water , which were invented by the children themselves.

Use one rubber ball to knock down other balls floating on the water.
Blow a boat out of a pipe. First, sink it, and then watch how a light plastic figure “jumps” out of the water.
Use a stream of water to knock down light toys that are in the water (for this you can use shampoo bottles filled with water).

We looked at the first direction in working with aggressive children, which can roughly be called “working with anger.” I would like to note that anger does not necessarily lead to aggression, but the more often a child or adult experiences feelings of anger, the higher the likelihood of various forms of aggressive behavior.

Training in recognizing and controlling negative emotions
The next very responsible and no less important area is teaching the skills of recognizing and controlling negative emotions. An aggressive child does not always admit that he is aggressive. Moreover, deep down in his soul he is sure of the opposite: everyone around him is aggressive. Unfortunately, such children cannot always adequately assess their condition, much less the condition of those around them.
As noted above, the emotional world of aggressive children is very scarce. They can hardly name just a few basic emotional states, and they don’t even imagine the existence of others (or their shades). It is not difficult to guess that in this case it is difficult for children to recognize their own and other people’s emotions.

To train the skill of recognizing emotional states, you can use cut-out templates, sketches by M.I. Chistyakova (1990), exercises and games developed by N.L. Kryazheva (1997), as well as large tables and posters depicting various emotional states.

In a group or class where such a poster is located, children will definitely come up to it before the start of classes and indicate their condition, even if the teacher does not ask them to do so, since each of them is pleased to draw the attention of an adult to themselves.

You can teach children to carry out the reverse procedure: they themselves can come up with the names of the emotional states depicted on the poster. Children must indicate what mood the funny people are in.

Another way to teach a child to recognize his emotional state and develop the need to talk about it is through drawing. Children can be asked to make drawings on the topics: “When I am angry”, “When I am happy”, “When I am happy”, etc. To this end, place on an easel (or simply on a large sheet on the wall) pre-drawn figures of people depicted in various situations, but without drawn faces. Then the child can, if desired, come up and complete the drawing.

In order for children to be able to correctly assess their condition, and at the right time to manage it, it is necessary to teach each child to understand himself, and, above all, the sensations of his body. First, you can practice in front of a mirror: let the child say what mood he is in at the moment and how he feels. Children are very sensitive to the signals of their body and easily describe them. For example, if a child is angry, he most often defines his condition as follows: “My heart is pounding, my stomach is tickling, I want to scream in my throat, my fingers feel like needles are pricking me, my cheeks are hot, my palms are itching, etc.”

We can teach children to accurately assess their emotional state, and therefore, respond in a timely manner to the signals that the body gives us. The director of the film "Denis the Menace" Dave Rogers many times throughout the action draws the audience's attention to a hidden signal given by the film's main character, six-year-old Denis. Every time, before the boy gets into trouble, we see his restless running fingers, which the cameraman shows in close-up. Then we see the child’s “burning” eyes, and only after this does another prank follow.

Thus, the child, if he correctly “deciphers” the message of his body, will be able to understand: “My condition is close to critical. Wait for the storm.” And if the child also knows several acceptable ways to express anger, he can have time to make the right decision, thereby preventing conflict.

Of course, teaching a child to recognize and manage his emotional state will be successful only if it is carried out systematically, day after day, for quite a long time.

In addition to the methods of work already described, the teacher can use others: talking with the child, drawing and, of course, playing. The section “How to play with aggressive children” describes games recommended in such situations, but I would like to talk about one of them in more detail.

We first became acquainted with this game by reading K. Fopel’s book “How to teach children to cooperate” (M., 1998). It's called "Pebble in a Shoe." At first, the game seemed to us quite difficult for preschoolers, and we offered it to teachers of grades 1 and 2 for use during extracurricular activities. However, sensing the children’s interest and serious attitude towards the game, we tried to play it in kindergarten. I liked the game. Moreover, very soon it moved from the category of games to the category of daily rituals, the implementation of which became absolutely necessary for the successful course of life in the group.

It is useful to play this game when one of the children is offended, angry, upset, when internal experiences prevent the child from doing something, when a conflict is brewing in the group. Each participant has the opportunity to verbalize, that is, express in words, their state during the game, and communicate it to others. This helps reduce his emotional stress. If there are several instigators of an impending conflict, they will be able to hear about each other’s feelings and experiences, which may help smooth out the situation.

The game takes place in two stages.

Stage 1 (preparatory). Children sit in a circle on the carpet. The teacher asks: “Guys, has it ever happened that a pebble got into your shoe?” Usually children answer the question very actively, since almost every child 6-7 years old has a similar life experience. In a circle, everyone shares their impressions of how this happened. As a rule, the answers boil down to the following: “At first the pebble doesn’t really bother us, we try to move it away, find a comfortable position for the leg, but pain and discomfort gradually increases, a wound or callus may even appear. And then, even if we really don’t want to, we "We have to take off the shoe and shake out the pebble. It is almost always very tiny, and we are even surprised how such a small object could cause us such great pain. It seemed to us that there was a huge stone with sharp edges like a razor blade."

Next, the teacher asks the children: “Has it ever happened that you never shook out a pebble, but when you came home, you simply took off your shoes?” The children answer that this has already happened to many people. Then the pain in the leg freed from the shoe subsided, the incident was forgotten. But the next morning, putting our foot into the shoe, we suddenly felt a sharp pain when we came into contact with the ill-fated pebble. Pain, more intense than the day before, resentment, anger - these are the feelings children usually experience. So a small problem becomes a big nuisance.

Stage 2. The teacher tells the children: “When we are angry, preoccupied with something, excited, we perceive it as a small pebble in a shoe. If we immediately feel discomfort and pull it out of there, then the foot will remain unharmed. And if we leave the pebble in place, then We will most likely have problems, and quite a lot of them. Therefore, it is useful for all people - both adults and children - to talk about their problems as soon as they notice them.

Let's agree: if one of you says: “I have a pebble in my shoe,” we will all immediately understand that something is bothering you, and we can talk about it. Think about whether you now feel any displeasure, something that would bother you. If you feel it, tell us, for example: “I have a pebble in my shoe. I don’t like that Oleg breaks my buildings made of cubes.” Tell me what else you don't like. If nothing bothers you, you can say: “I don’t have a pebble in my shoe.”

In a circle, children tell what is bothering them at the moment and describe their feelings. It is useful to discuss individual “pebbles” that children will talk about in a circle. In this case, each participant in the game offers a peer who is in a difficult situation a way to get rid of the “pebble.”

After playing this game several times, children subsequently feel the need to talk about their problems. In addition, the game helps the teacher to carry out the educational process smoothly. After all, if children are worried about something, this “something” will not allow them to sit calmly in class and absorb the information. If the children get the opportunity to speak out and “let off steam,” then they can calmly begin their studies. The game "Pebble in a Shoe" is especially useful for anxious children. Firstly, if you play it every day, even a very shy child will get used to it and gradually begin to talk about his difficulties (since this is not a new or dangerous activity, but a familiar and repetitive activity). Secondly, an anxious child, listening to stories about the problems of his peers, will understand that not only he suffers from fears, uncertainty, and resentment. It turns out that other children have the same problems as him. This means that he is the same as everyone else, no worse than everyone else. There is no need to isolate yourself, because any situation, even the most difficult, can be resolved through joint efforts. And the children who surround him are not at all evil and are always ready to help.

When the child learns to recognize his own emotions and talk about them, you can move on to the next stage of work.

Formation of the ability to empathy, trust, sympathy, compassion

Aggressive children tend to have low levels of empathy. Empathy is the ability to feel the state of another person, the ability to take his position. Aggressive children most often do not care about the suffering of others; they cannot even imagine that other people might feel unpleasant and bad. It is believed that if the aggressor can sympathize with the “victim,” his aggression will be weaker next time. Therefore, the work of a teacher in developing a child’s sense of empathy is so important.

One form of such work can be role-playing play, during which the child gets the opportunity to put himself in the place of others and evaluate his behavior from the outside. For example, if a quarrel or fight occurred in a group, you can sort out this situation in a circle by inviting the Kitten and Tiger Cub or any literary characters known to children to visit. In front of the children, the guests act out a quarrel similar to the one that occurred in the group, and then ask the children to reconcile them. Children offer various ways out of conflict. You can divide the guys into two groups, one of which speaks on behalf of the Tiger Cub, the other on behalf of the Kitten. You can give children the opportunity to choose for themselves whose position they would like to take and whose interests they would like to defend. Whatever specific form of role-playing game you choose, it is important that in the end children will acquire the ability to take the position of another person, recognize his feelings and experiences, and learn how to behave in difficult life situations. A general discussion of the problem will help unite the children's team and establish a favorable psychological climate in the group.

During such discussions, you can play out other situations that most often cause conflicts in a team: how to react if a friend does not give you the toy you need, what to do if you are teased, what to do if you were pushed and you fell, etc. Purposeful and Patient work in this direction will help the child to be more understanding of the feelings and actions of others and learn to adequately relate to what is happening.

In addition, you can invite children to organize a theater, asking them to act out certain situations, for example: “How Malvina quarreled with Pinocchio.” However, before showing any scene, children should discuss why the characters in the fairy tale behaved in one way or another. It is necessary that they try to put themselves in the place of fairy-tale characters and answer the questions: “What did Pinocchio feel when Malvina put him in the closet?”, “What did Malvina feel when she had to punish Pinocchio?” and etc.

Such conversations will help children realize how important it is to be in the shoes of a rival or offender in order to understand why he acted the way he did. Having learned to empathize with the people around him, an aggressive child will be able to get rid of suspicion and suspiciousness, which cause so much trouble both for the “aggressor” himself and for those who are close to him. And as a result, he will learn to take responsibility for his actions, and not blame others.

True, it would also do well for adults working with an aggressive child to get rid of the habit of blaming him for all mortal sins. For example, if a child throws toys in anger, you can, of course, tell him: “You are a scoundrel! You are nothing but problems. You always interfere with all the children’s play!” But such a statement is unlikely to reduce the emotional stress of the “bastard.” On the contrary, a child who is already sure that no one needs him and that the whole world is against him will become even more angry. In this case, it is much more useful to tell your child about your feelings, using the pronoun “I” rather than “you”. For example, instead of “Why didn’t you put the toys away?”, you can say: “I get upset when the toys are scattered.”

This way you do not blame the child for anything, do not threaten him, or even evaluate his behavior. You talk about yourself, about your feelings. As a rule, such an adult’s reaction first shocks the child, who expects a hail of reproaches against him, and then gives him a feeling of trust. There is an opportunity for constructive dialogue.

Working with parents of an aggressive child

When working with aggressive children, the educator or teacher must first establish contact with the family. He can either give recommendations to parents himself, or tactfully invite them to seek help from psychologists.

There are situations when contact with the mother or father cannot be established. In such cases, we recommend using visual information that can be placed in the parent corner. Table 5 below may serve as an example of such information.

A similar table or other visual information can become a starting point for parents to think about their child and the reasons for negative behavior. And these reflections, in turn, may lead to cooperation with educators and the teacher.

Table 5 Parenting styles (in response to the child’s aggressive actions)

Parenting strategy	Specific examples of strategy	Child's behavior style	Why does the child do this?
Drastic suppression of a child’s aggressive behavior	Stop it!" "Don't you dare say that." Parents punish child	Aggressive (The child can stop now but will throw out his negative emotions at another time and in another place)	The child copies his parents and learns aggressive forms of behavior from them.
Ignoring your child's aggressive outbursts	Parents pretend not to notice the child’s aggression or believe that the child is still small	Aggressive (Child continues to act aggressively)	The child thinks he is doing everything right, and aggressive forms of behavior become a character trait.
Parents give the child the opportunity to express aggression in an acceptable way and tactfully forbid them to behave aggressively towards others.	If parents see that the child is angry, they can involve him in a game that will relieve his anger. Parents explain to the child how to behave in certain situations	Most likely, the child will learn to manage his anger	The child learns to analyze various situations and takes an example from his tactful parents

The main goal of such information is to show parents that one of the reasons for the manifestation of aggression in children may be the aggressive behavior of the parents themselves. If there is constant arguing and screaming in the house, it is difficult to expect that the child will suddenly be flexible and calm. In addition, parents should be aware of the consequences of those or other disciplinary actions on the child are expected in the near future and when the child enters adolescence.

How to get along with a child who constantly behaves defiantly? We found useful recommendations for parents on the pages of R. Campbell’s book “How to Deal with a Child’s Anger” (M., 1997). We recommend that both teachers and parents read this book. R. Campbell identifies five ways to control a child’s behavior: two of them are positive, two are negative and one is neutral. Positive methods include requests and gentle physical manipulation (for example, you can distract the child, take him by the hand and lead him away, etc.).

Behavior modification, a neutral method of control, involves the use of rewards (for following certain rules) and punishment (for ignoring them). But this system should not be used too often, since subsequently the child begins to do only what he receives a reward for.

Frequent punishments and orders are negative ways of controlling a child's behavior. They force him to excessively suppress his anger, which contributes to the appearance of passive-aggressive traits in his character. What is passive aggression, and what dangers does it pose? This is a hidden form of aggression, its purpose is to enrage, upset parents or loved ones, and the child can cause harm not only to others, but also to himself. He will deliberately begin to study poorly, in retaliation for his parents he will wear things that they do not like, and he will act up on the street for no reason. The main thing is to unbalance the parents. To eliminate such forms of behavior, a system of rewards and punishments must be thought out in every family. When punishing a child, it is necessary to remember that this measure of influence should in no case humiliate the dignity of the son or daughter. Punishment should follow directly after the offense, and not every other day, not every other week. Punishment will only have an effect if the child himself believes that he deserves it; in addition, one cannot be punished twice for the same offense.

There is another way to effectively deal with a child’s anger, although it may not always be applied. If parents know their son or daughter well, they can defuse the situation during the child's emotional outburst with an appropriate joke. The unexpectedness of such a reaction and the friendly tone of an adult will help the child get out of a difficult situation with dignity.

For parents who do not have a good understanding of how they or their children may express their anger, we recommend posting the following visual information on a display in the classroom or group (Table 6).

Table 6 "Positive and negative ways of expressing anger" (recommendations by Dr. R. Campbell)

Cheat sheet for adults or rules for working with aggressive children

Be attentive to the needs and needs of the child.
Demonstrate a model of non-aggressive behavior.
Be consistent in punishing the child, punish for specific actions.
Punishments should not humiliate a child.
Teach acceptable ways to express anger.
Giving your child the opportunity to express anger immediately after a frustrating event.
Learn to recognize your own emotional state and the state of those around you.
Develop the ability to empathize.
Expand the child's behavioral repertoire.
Practice your response skills in conflict situations.
Learn to take responsibility.

However, all of the listed methods and techniques will not lead to positive changes if they are one-time in nature. Inconsistency in parental behavior can lead to worsening child behavior. Patience and attention to the child, his needs and requirements, constant development of communication skills with others - this is what will help parents establish relationships with their son or daughter.
Patience and good luck to you, dear parents!

Lyutova E.K., Monina G.B. Cheat sheet for adults

The aggressive behavior of a five-year-old child is expressed in the fact that he begins to break, destroy objects that come his way, and offends those around him, who often have nothing to do with his offenses. Parents usually cannot find an explanation for such actions of their children. There is always a reason that provokes a child to aggressive behavior. And finding out is the joint task of parents, teachers and psychologists.

An aggressive child at 5 years old may be hysterical or manipulative

If there is such a bully kid in the team, then the well-being of the children's group is jeopardized.

Typical traits of a five-year-old aggressor

Aggressive behavior of five-year-old children is expressed in the fact that they lose control, argue with elders, and behave rudely and ruthlessly with peers. Such a child will never admit to his mistakes; he will definitely justify himself and shift the blame onto other children.

Traits such as vindictiveness, envy, wariness and suspicion are characteristic of children prone to aggression.

Determination of aggressiveness in preschool children

If you observe the behavior of five-year-old bullies, you will notice the following signs:

the child constantly tries to bully, push or call other children;
he likes to break or destroy things;
he constantly tries to provoke others, angers teachers, parents or peers in order to receive reciprocal aggression;
he deliberately does not fulfill the demands of adults, for example, does not go to wash his hands, does not tidy up toys, in order to be scolded. Moreover, having received a remark, he may burst into tears so that they begin to feel sorry for him. This is how an aggressive child can “release” internal tension and anxiety.

Aggressive children often start fights

Why are 5-year-old children aggressive?

The reasons for a child’s aggressive behavior at this age can be the family situation, temperament, socio-biological reasons, the age component, and even “personal” circumstances. Each child must be dealt with individually. But it is still possible to systematize the reasons.

Family environment

Discord in the family is one of the serious reasons that causes anger in a 5-year-old child. Frequent quarrels and family disputes provoke the child’s anger. He projects family relationships onto the environment.

Parental quarrels are the cause of aggressiveness

Indifference on the part of relatives is another reason for a child’s aggressive behavior. In an atmosphere of indifference, the emotional connection between the child and parents does not develop. At the age of five, children really need this connection.

Lack of respect for the child. As a result, the baby is not confident in himself, begins to develop complexes and assert himself.

As a rule, all these feelings are expressed in the manifestation of anger towards others and oneself.

Excessive control or lack thereof also leads to aggression.

Family reasons for aggression

Personal reasons

Personal reasons that cause aggression lie in the instability and instability of the child’s psycho-emotional state. The most common are the following:

Fear of danger. At the subconscious level, the child expects danger. It happens that the baby is tormented by fears, he cannot determine where to expect danger from, he is anxious. In this case, aggressive behavior becomes a defensive reaction.
Emotional instability is often cited as the cause of anger in children aged five to six years. At this age, children cannot control their emotional state. Aggression can hide poor health or ordinary fatigue. If at this age a child is not given the opportunity to “reset” emotions, then the baby will cope with them through unmotivated outbursts of anger. Moreover, aggression will be directed at whatever comes to hand.
Dissatisfaction with yourself. It happens that a child is not happy with himself. Here it should be said that there is a guilt of parents who could not teach their child self-respect. And the baby doesn’t know how to love himself. And those who do not know how to love themselves cannot love those around them. Therefore, he has a negative attitude towards the world around him.
Defensive reaction to feelings of guilt. It happens that children's aggression is caused by feelings of guilt. A child of five years old can already understand that he has unfairly offended someone and may feel shame for some actions. But he cannot admit them, so the feeling of guilt is also expressed in aggressive behavior, moreover, towards the one whom he offended.

Situational reasons

Certain situations can trigger children's aggression. For example, a child is overtired, he is overwhelmed by impressions of what he saw or heard, he simply did not sleep well. All this can result in an outburst of anger.

Problems with learning can cause outbursts of aggression

Sometimes certain foods can cause aggression. For example, the level of cholesterol in the blood may decrease, as a result of which aggressiveness will increase (this is an officially proven fact by science).

Or, for example, due to excessive consumption of chocolate, a child may experience outbursts of anger.

Environmental conditions can also cause children to become angry. Loud noise, vibrations, stuffiness, or being in a small space can irritate your child.

The amount of chocolate and aggression in children are interconnected

It has been noticed that children who permanently live in areas of busy highways, near the railway, are much more irritable than those who live in residential areas.

The influence of temperament on the manifestation of aggression

The type of temperament also influences the manifestation of aggression. There is one nuance here - temperament cannot be corrected. But, knowing the signs of each type of temperament, you can correct the child’s behavior.

A melancholic child tends to experience stress from participating in competitions and from various innovations. These conditions make them feel angry, but they express their emotions passively.

There is an opinion that the Internet and computer games contribute to aggression

In phlegmatic people, aggression is also expressed, one might even say calmly. The balance of the nervous system allows owners of this type of temperament to control themselves. External manifestations of rage are very rare in such children.

Sanguine people tend to be peaceful and are not inclined to show aggression towards other children. A sanguine child is aggressive only when he has exhausted all possibilities for peaceful resolution of issues.

But choleric people are prone to fits of rage from childhood. A child of this psychotype is characterized by extreme imbalance, nervousness and hot temper. More often than not, they take actions first and then think about their actions.

Reasons of a socio-biological nature

At the age of five, boys show signs of aggression much more often than their peers. It is at this age that children begin to differentiate by gender. The social stereotype that a boy should be stronger, and therefore more militant, than a girl plays an important role.

Reasons for different types of aggressiveness

Social reasons in this age category also matter. Children at the age of 5 are observant; they assimilate the value systems that are accepted in their environment.

Thus, a child from a family where people are treated depending on their position and social status may be aggressive towards the cleaning lady, but will be restrained towards the teacher. If there is a cult of material wealth in the family, then a child at the age of 5 will take these values for granted and will direct his aggression towards those who earn little, towards those children who do not have expensive toys.

Violence against a child can cause aggression

Forms and purposes of aggression in five-year-old children

Aggression in children aged five can be expressed both physically and verbally. Moreover, aggressive behavior can have either a mental or emotional basis. What is the reason for the aggressiveness of five-year-old children? What do they want to achieve with their bellicose behavior?

And the goals for children can be the following:

expressing your anger and hostility;
an attempt to show one's superiority;
intimidate others;
achieve what you want in any way;
an attempt to overcome any fears.

Aggression against other children is the most common manifestation

Modern psychologists distinguish between 2 options for the manifestation of aggression in children of this age:

This is impulsive aggression, which is committed in a hysterical state, it manifests itself spontaneously and is accompanied by very high emotional stress.
Predatory aggression, which, most often, is planned as a way to get what you want. For example, by deliberately breaking a toy, a child throws an aggressive tantrum in order to be bought another one.

Moreover, psychologists note that children who are more developed at 5 years old choose the tactics of aggression according to the second option. Whereas, less developed children are more prone to impulsive aggression.

The behavior of children from 4 to 6 years old is characterized by the manifestation of anger towards peers. During this period, children begin to realize that they are part of society, so they have contradictions and grievances, both real and far-fetched. It is these feelings that make the child attack others.

What are the consequences of aggressive behavior?

If a five-year-old bully constantly tries to “bully” his peers, is aggressive towards adults, treats animals with malice, is very sensitive and touchy, then this behavior must be treated with increased attention. All of these symptoms taken together may indicate a predisposition to violent acts.

Parents should closely monitor their child and, if attacks of anger recur periodically, they should seek help from specialist psychologists. This behavior is truly a problem that needs to be addressed.

Fights in kindergarten - consequences of aggressiveness

What factors can increase the aggressive behavior of a five-year-old child?

Teachers, psychologists and parents should be very careful if

the child has experienced any violence;
he observed violence in the family or among others;
saw violence on television;
there are people in the family who use alcohol or drugs;
if the family is at the stage of ending the marriage;
in a family where there is only a mother, the parents do not have jobs and are not well off;
Firearms are stored in the house.

Parents must teach their child to be patient and be able to manage emotions. The family should limit their baby from the negative effects of the environment. But it is impossible to isolate the baby. Therefore, you need to talk to the baby and teach him to cope with negative emotions.

Hours of watching TV leads to outbursts of uncontrolled aggression

What stimulates increased aggression

The risk of increasing the level of aggression in children aged 5 years arises if mutual understanding with peers is disrupted in a particular child, and the child begins to feel isolated. The result is increased aggressiveness. Parents and teachers should help the child get rid of this, try to set the child up positively and change his behavior.
There is another factor that stimulates aggressive behavior - shortcomings in upbringing. It happens that parents simply encourage the child to become embittered towards the world around him.
Depression that occurs in children is also a stimulus for anger.
Of course, mental development deviations are also a factor that stimulates aggression. These are various conditions bordering on schizophrenia and paranoia.
Autistic and mentally retarded children are also susceptible to aggressive attacks. The behavior of such children can be aggressive due to disappointment, resentment, and inability to cope with emotions.
Destructive disorders can also stimulate aggressive behavior.

In order to cope with the aggressive behavior of a 5-year-old child, you need to find out the cause and stimulating factors of anger.

Parents of those children who are prone to aggression must learn to manage the behavior of their children. Positive contact should be established with the child, and parents should praise him for good behavior.

about the danger of punishment

At the age of 5, a child should not be physically punished. Such punishment will not stop an aggressive child; on the contrary, the problem will worsen. If children who are prone to aggression are punished, they begin to misbehave more often, but hide their actions.

In this case, the child’s psyche may be shaken, and he will develop a desire for violence. Children with such behavior are classified as high-risk groups. As adults, these children are at risk of developing mental illness.

Psychologists believe that a common problem for parents is children’s quarrels with their sisters and brothers. If a child behaves this way towards his family, then with unfamiliar children, he may simply become uncontrollable.

The task of parents is to teach a 5-year-old child the basics of social behavior and emotion management skills.

One of the options is martial arts classes, where the child learns not only the basics of self-defense, but also learns correct behavior.

Teachers and parents should make it clear to children that all issues can be resolved peacefully, learn to assess the situation and control their emotions.

How to reduce a child's aggressiveness through play activities

“Toy in the fist”: Give the child the task of closing his eyes. Let him take a toy or candy in his hand. Then the baby should firmly grasp this object in his fist. After a few seconds, you need to ask to open the handle. The surprise that the child sees in the palm of his hand will be a pleasant surprise.

“Bag of anger”: You need to have a “bag of anger” at home. The child will “put” his aggressive emotions into this bag. If you take an ordinary ball, but instead of air, fill it with grain or sand, then a container will appear where negative aspects are hidden. This pouch is used to avoid aggression.

“Tuh-tibi-duh.” If the child begins to get angry, then you need to invite him to walk around the room, saying the phrase: “Tuh-tibi-doh.”

Words should be pronounced very actively, with anger. As soon as the baby starts to laugh, you need to stop saying these words.

Methods for eliminating aggression

When you see that the child’s behavior is becoming aggressive, he is irritated, then invite him to draw his feelings or mold them from plasticine or salt dough. While working, ask your child about what he is doing and what feelings he is experiencing. These actions distract from an aggressive attitude.

Together with your child, make a small pillow “for anger.” As soon as the child begins to get irritated, ask him not to be nervous, but simply beat the pillow with his hands. The hysteria will gradually fade away.

Playing sports is a way to relieve aggressiveness

Make it clear that fighting and attacking others is not a solution to problems. If he is aggressive and angry, then no one will be friends with him.

Other methods:

It’s time for a 5-year-old child to be introduced to the rules of behavior at home and outside the home. At 5 years old, a child will already be able to fulfill basic requirements and obey established rules.
If you know that your child listens to you, then praise him more often.
Fairytale therapy is also very effective. Using examples of the actions of fairy-tale characters, you can teach a child to understand what bad actions are and how not to behave.
An aggressive 5-year-old child needs physical activity. If children play sports or receive other physical activity, there will be no time left for anger.
If a child needs to “throw off” negative emotions, then direct his anger at... old newspapers: let him tear them into small pieces.
You can buy him hammers made of plastic or wood and give him the opportunity to become a “drummer” - let him knock on the pillows.
Give a 5-year-old child a piece of whatman paper and allow him to draw what he wants with a marker. Then let them portray good, kind feelings.
A good way to overcome aggression can be participation in theatrical productions. You can take any toys and act out a scene. Or you can offer to come up with a scene yourself.

So, at 5 years old a child can behave aggressively. Factors that provoke aggression are very difficult to avoid. But parents, with the help of teachers and psychologists, must do everything to ensure that the child is irritated as little as possible.

Children's aggression is not unreasonable. It is imperative to find out why the child’s behavior manifests itself in anger.

Perhaps the reasons are in the family, maybe he himself is prone to such manifestations of anger due to his temperament, or perhaps he is not comfortable in a team.

In any case, parents and teachers must find the reasons for this behavior of a 5-year-old child and help him get rid of excessive aggression.

Sometimes the parents of a child who has started going to school or is just about to enter first grade are faced with the problem of attacks of aggression in their child. How to behave in this age crisis and what to do if he does not listen to his parents and teachers?

Causes

Aggression in children is a negative reaction to various actions or comments of others. If a child is not brought up correctly, this reaction can develop from a temporary one into a permanent one and become a trait of his character.

The sources of a child’s aggressive behavior can be somatic or brain diseases, as well as improper upbringing. Another reason for this behavior may be the age crisis.

At this time, children begin to recognize themselves as students, and this is a new role for them. This contributes to the emergence of a new psychological quality in the child - self-esteem.

Watch a video about the causes of crisis in children aged seven and methods for overcoming it.

Why doesn't he listen?

From now on, this is no longer a small baby, but a real adult who strives to become independent. At 6-7 years old, children lose their natural childishness, so they deliberately begin to make faces and behave unreasonably. The reason for this is that children begin to separate the inner “I” from external behavior. They are aware that their behavior can cause reactions from others. Unnatural behavior shows that this is just a child’s experiment, although because of such experiences of the baby, the parents are very worried and worried. Besides, It becomes difficult to put the child to bed or send him to wash, an unusual reaction appears:

neglect of requests;
thinking about why to do this;
negation;
contradictions and bickering.

During this period, children demonstrably violate parental prohibitions. They criticize any rules that they did not set themselves, and strive to take the position of adults. The existing principles are understood by the child as a childish image that needs to be overcome.

Why does a baby make croaking sounds?

There are times when children begin to make various sounds: croaking, mooing, chirping, and the like. This could just be a continuation of their experiments, but this time with sounds and words. If your child does not have speech problems, then there is no reason to worry. If there are any defects or stuttering, you should consult a doctor.

Express your approval of your child’s independent actions, allow him to be autonomous.
Try to become an adviser, not a prohibitor. Support in difficult moments.
Talk to your child about adult topics.
Find out his thoughts on an issue of interest, listen to him, this is much better than criticism.
Let your child express his opinion, and if he is wrong, then gently correct him.
Allow yourself to recognize his views and express agreement - nothing threatens your authority, and your offspring’s self-esteem will be strengthened.
Let your child know that he is valued by you, respected and understood that if he makes a mistake, you will always be there and provide help;
Show your child the possibility of achieving the goal. Praise him for his success.
Try to give answers to all the child’s questions. Even if the questions are repeated, repeat the answer patiently.

Classes for children 6-7 years old

Actions that show the child that there are other opportunities to get attention and show strength will help reduce a child's unstimulated aggression. To look like an adult, you don’t need to assert yourself at the expense of those who are weaker, or use bad words when irritated. The following methods for emotional release are recommended:

tear into pieces paper that you always need to have with you;
shout loudly in a special place;
play sports, run and jump;
knocking out rugs and pillows will be useful;
practice hitting the punching bag;
Playing with water helps a lot (contemplation of water and its inhabitants in aquariums, fishing, throwing stones into a pond, etc.)

How to find a common language?

During attacks of aggression in a child, parents need to be calm and restrained. You need to try to understand how your child feels. The most important thing is to love and understand your baby, give him more attention and time.

Unconditional love is the best way to combat aggression. Moms and dads know their children very well and are able to prevent unexpected outbursts of anger. Physical aggression is easier to curb than verbal aggression. At the moment of a surge of emotions, when the child pouts his lips, squints his eyes, or otherwise demonstrates his dissatisfaction, you need to try to redirect his attention to another object, activity, or simply hold him. If the aggression could not be stopped in time, it is necessary to convince the child that this should not be done, it is very bad.

How to deal with shyness?

Among other things, at the age of 7 years, children begin to pay attention to their appearance and clothes. They strive to look like adults. For the first time, the child critically evaluates his behavior. During this period, shyness can very easily develop; the child is not always able to adequately evaluate the opinions of others. An incorrect assessment of what is happening can frighten a child and make him afraid of attracting attention. It may be difficult to establish contacts. But sometimes children are just naturally shy.

How to help?

A shy child is more receptive; often those around him are unable to understand him. Moms and dads are encouraged to emphasize the good qualities of their children more often. In this way, you need to cultivate his self-confidence. Under no circumstances should you be angry with your child for his shyness. He may feel somehow flawed, different from the others. This may have a bad effect on the development of his character. As an adult, a person will remember his childhood resentment. A child will not become brave and decisive from constant reproaches, but he is able to withdraw from it.

ANGER AND AGGRESSION.

taken from the website of the ANO Psychological Center “Resources”

Outbursts of anger in a 2-3 year old child can be quite strong and literally take his parents by surprise. Most often, the first reaction of parents to these negative feelings will be to prohibit and blame the child for experiencing them.

What is the best way for parents to act? Which position is most justified from the point of view of child psychology?

Almost all caring parents think that a child surrounded by the love and attention of his family, just has no reason to be angry. And this “groundless” anger, in their opinion, makes them think about whether everything is okay with their child: “Maybe it’s our fault? Are you spoiled?" The question naturally arises: “How should we approach this?” Not paying attention - won't this encourage aggression? Explain and punish? But how do you explain such complex things to a baby? And if he doesn’t understand, then why punish him?

In the causes of children's aggression we have to understand, as well as develop the correct onetics of parental behavior. To begin with, we just need to define what we mean by the word “aggression”. First of all aggression will mean ah aggressive actions, committed by a child in relation tocommunication with other people. This could include biting, pinching, scratching, hitting, or other ways of physically hurting them. Aggressive actions can also include a child’s intentional damage to toys and other items in a fit of anger and rage. “Swear words” that a child utters to loved ones - “I’ll kill”, “throw away”, etc. - are manifestations of verbal aggression. The words “anger” or “anger” will actually refer to the emotional state of the child, the negative feelings he experiences.

Well, now let's try to understand what motivates a baby who attacks his beloved mother, grandmother and others with his fists.

What happens to a child by the age of two - the age at which aggression against parents most often begins to manifest itself? The child is growing up: he has learned to control his arms and legs, has mastered his body enough to move independently and explore the world around him, and has learned to use simple words to express his desires to his parents. And I realized that to some extent he controls his parents. He cried - mom came up, wet himself - mom changed his clothes, got hungry - mom fed him, etc. As the child develops, he improves his ways of attracting attention to himself, remaining for the time being in the happy delusion that his mother will continue to guess all his desires and satisfy all his needs.

And then one day he is faced with a situation in which mom tells him no. Sooner or later, it becomes difficult for the mother to adapt to the ever-increasing needs of the child. Her refusal to fulfill one or another desire of the child can cause quite strong anger. According to the child’s inner feeling and the previous experience of his life, the mother “has no right” to refuse him. He is used to getting what he wants, and does not understand why it should be otherwise. The child begins to protest and get angry, resorting to simple aggression.

Is this normal? Absolutely normal! Anger is a normal reaction of a healthy body to an obstacle that prevents you from getting what you want. However, the child does not yet understand what his parents learned well in childhood. We can't always get what we want right away.. Sometimes we have to not only endureto wait, But And make significant efforts for achieving what you want, enduringwith all sorts of inconveniences. Moreover, sometimes, Despite all efforts, we cannot satisfy our desire. And in this regard, we must also learn to cope with negative feelings. It is precisely this experience of humility, of postponing one’s desires “for later” that the child still lacks.

Our public social life is subject to many restrictions and prohibitions that are still unknown to the child. Although for parents these prohibitions have long become the norm and operate automatically. And they expect the same from their child. “How does he not understand, this is impossible!” But he doesn’t understand, or rather, he hasn’t understood yet. A child is not born with the ability “endure” and “wait”, he will need to learn this. And he will study throughout preschool age (and then throughout his life). The task of parents is help him with this, without pandering, but also without rushing him and without judging.

He will also have to learn to restrain his aggression. In addition to the ban on aggressive actions towards others, society has an even stronger ban on aggression towards close people - relatives and family members. Sometimes parents are ready to understand their child’s aggression directed at a stranger, but they are “offended” by him if these actions concern themselves. Sometimes, on the contrary, the mother “will not notice” the child’s aggressive behavior towards her, but will be ashamed if the child starts doing the same thing at a party or on the street in the presence of strangers.

By the way, by expressing anger, a child can cause harm not only to others, but also to himself. A child can direct anger both at those who caused it feelings - that is, on parents, and on “replacingliving" objects - toys, furniture, etc. But sometimes the child directs his anger and rage at... himself. For example, he may start hitting himself, pulling his hair, and even hitting his head against the wall. In child psychology there is a special term for this behavior - auto-aggression, or aggression directed at oneself. We will not delve into this topic now; we will only note that auto-aggression receives its development/feeding when other ways of expressing aggression are strictly prohibited. “You are bad, you beat your grandmother,” the parents tell the child. “I’m bad,” the child understands to himself. This means that you need to punish yourself. As we see, the child behaves very “logically”. However, very quickly his parents feel sorry for him. And not in vain, auto-aggression is unsafe for the child’s psyche, and its manifestations should be a signal to parents about his internal troubles.

So, speaking about the attitude of adults to manifestations of children's aggression, we noticed that at the core indignation most often lies behind the idea, the child already has the ability to control chowl anger, which means he hurts them on purpose, “osozNanno." That is why the first thing parents should remind themselves of when faced with a manifestation of aggression on the part of a child is that he really “does not realize what he is doing” and does not control himself sufficientlyexact measure to restrain your aggressive pulse. He does not yet understand that he is committing a bad act, just as he does not understand that you are in pain; the baby may still not understand (not remember from sensations) what pain is in general. That is why it is very important for parents to indicate what is happening - embracerealize that they are in pain and calmly explain to the child, that “you can’t fight or hit people.”This ban and the explanation must be repeated again and again, preventspeaking to the child at the time of implementation aggressive actions- catch his hand raised to strike, dodge bites, etc.. Until the child realizes what is happening and learns to restrain himself of his own free will.

In response to the child’s aggressive action, the mother, as a last resort, can resort to light corporal punishment - a slap on the bottom, squeezing the child’s hand in the forearm, etc. This punishment will be, so to speak, symbolic in nature. Its purpose is to indicate to the child the seriousness of his offense. This remedy should not be abused. It will be effective if used occasionally, when it seems that such punishment is appropriate. Of course, a 2-3 year old child is already able to partially understand his actions, but very often he still cannot slow down his aggression at the moment when he is overcome by a feeling of anger. Although later he realizes what he did and sincerely repents. For example, a child may make comments to toys: “You can’t fight, you can’t offend your mother,” although he himself may continue to swing and hit his mother.

In this case, some mothers begin to get annoyed with the child even more: “How is it - he knows what he shouldn’t do, but still does it. So, on purpose." However, these mothers are simply rushing to conclusions. Such a situation should be treated not as a “pedagogical failure”, but as an intermediate success of its influence. The child’s behavior shows that he has already memorized the rule, knows what is expected of him, but is simply not yet able to fulfill it whenever it is required. While emotions are stronger than him. And that's okay too. Any study takes time. And you need to give this time to both yourself and the child.

Thus, a preliminary conclusion can be drawn. The fact that the child is angry, swears and maybe aggressive - normal. This is not a sign of corruption or improper upbringing. Anger in its own way origin is the same natural feeling as rahappiness or sadness. Anger is also energetically a charged feeling that in many situations helps to fight difficulties, overcome obstaclesactions. Anger may be needed for self-defense, to assert one’s rights. Anger sends a signal to a person that some important need is not being met. That's why The child is faced with the task of not suppress your anger altogether, and learn to express itin a safe way for yourself and others. Ideally, you need to learn not only to express your anger in a civilized manner, but also to turn this negative energy into constructive actions to overcome obstacles.

By forbidding a child to be angry and angry in general, by imposing a “taboo” on this feeling, parents can do their children a disservice. How does a child feel if his parents shame him for being angry? “I’m bad, there’s something wrong with me.” Because anger occurs naturally over and over again, the child may begin to fear being rejected for having these “wrong” feelings. Thus, in place of anger come guilt and a feeling of one’s own inferiority.

At the same time, anger does not evaporate anywhere, but remains unconscious, suppressed, which is fraught with inappropriate outbursts of anger in situations where a person’s self-control is weakened, for example, during illness. This outburst of “forbidden” anger leaves behind a very severe state of guilt, demoralizing the person even more and depriving him of the strength to fight stress and ill health. Guilt and shame may be even less constructive than anger. And unlike anger they don'tgive a person strength, but, on the contrary, weaken him,causing you to doubt yourself and your capabilities.

To teach a child to control his anger and managing it, it is worth sharing the feeling of anger and aggressive actions committed by the child. When you condemn a child's aggressive actions, you do not condemn him for his feelings. “You have the right to be angry, to be dissatisfied, to declare your disagreement,” you tell him. “But you shouldn’t hurt people and all living beings.”

This way you ban aggressive actions, not feelings. At the same time, it is good if you indicate to your child an “allowed” action that will allow him to get rid of accumulated tension: beat a punching bag (or a special “hitting toy”), have a pillow fight, have a fight with inflatable swords, tear up old newspapers, crush plasticine and etc. Thus, scientifically speaking, you “channel” his anger, which means you control it.

Now a few words about curse words. Parents have an equally negative attitude towards manifestations of both physical and verbal aggression in children. Although from the point of view of child psychology, oddly enough, the expression of verbal aggression is preferable. Because it's a more "civilized" and more "adult" way to be angry. Agree, saying is not doing. This is why parents can initially teach their children to replace their aggressive actions with words. This will be the first step towards coping with your aggression.

It is great if a child learns to recognize his anger when he himself can understand that he is angry now. And he can learn this if you, his parents, first recognize and indicate his anger for him. When you notice that your child is unhappy and angry, you need to tell him about it (without judgment, calmly): “I see that you are angry.” And then the next question-assumption: “Are you angry because... it doesn’t work out / you can’t / I don’t allow you, etc.?”

In other words, you appeal to the child's mind, inviting him to determine the cause of anger. This is the most valuable lesson for a small child: he can UNDERSTAND , maybe not right away , that there is a specific reason for his experiences. Over time, he will be able to determine this reason himself, thereby moving from the expression of emotions to their analysis, which, of course, will allow him to learn to restrain his aggressive impulses. The next step for him will be the ability to enter into a contractual relationship with his mother, that is, to negotiate to get what he wants under certain conditions.

Thus, scheme for teaching a child educationalmanaging your anger looks like this:

1) first you indicate to the child his condition - “you’re angry” - and name a possible reason;

gradually the child learns to understand that he is angry and associates his feelings with a specific reason;

at the same time, he learns to express his desires and needs in words and make others understand what he needs: “I want...”, “Now I want you...”, “I don’t want you...” ";

Common mistake parents is to suppress the child’s feelings of anger and impose an absolute ban on any aggressive actions on his part.

Reason This is due to the fear of parents. They are afraid that their child will grow up to be an “asocial type” and will not love his parents. A deeper reason lies in the parents’ inability to manage their own anger, which they were similarly “forbidden” to feel as children.

Parents should not shame and scold their child for his feelings and for the fact that he is not yet able to cope with his aggression. It’s bad if the child concludes: “I’m bad because I’m angry; but since sometimes I can’t help but get angry, I get even angrier, and I’m also angry that I’m forbidden to be angry.” As a result, he does not learn to control his aggression, he only learns to suppress it, which weakens him and deprives him of important experience - the opportunity to learn to control himself.

The Right Action parents are to stop the child at the moment of his committing aggressive actions and inform him that it is unpleasant and painful for you. For example, a mother can physically prevent the infant from “attacking”: removing the nipple from his mouth when he tries to bite, stopping his hand raised for a spanking, And etc. In the future, an older child should be taught to replace his aggressive actions with words, telling him what he is angry about. The child can also be taught other ways of expressing his anger, ways that are safe for him And for others, it is to “channel” their aggression.

If a child is able to recognize his feeling of evility, identify and name the reason, and also talk about this to others, that means he's doing a great job with the difficult task of controlling their negativefeelings, knows how to manage them.

Many parents sooner or later face the problem of aggressive behavior in children, without knowing what to do. Before looking for advice, you need to understand what experts mean by aggression. This may be called a form of verbal abuse, causing damage to property.

There is still no common point of view on the causes of childhood aggression. Some experts believe that this is an exclusively innate character trait, others believe that the unfavorable environment at home, insufficient upbringing, and social withdrawal are to blame.

At any age, aggression in children is a way to convey important information to the outside world. Up to a certain age, this is an indicator of ongoing development.

Infancy

At the very first stage of life, anger is a defensive reaction. Appears in response to discomfort and serves to attract the attention of an adult.

2-4 years

Aggression in children aged 2-4 years is an attempt to learn to interact with the outside world. Most often it is aimed at parents and is needed to present their demands or desires. This period marks the crisis of the age of three. Children already understand that they are separate from their mother, independent people. But they do not yet know the correct ways to express their demands, so they often resort to anger, such as biting.

4-6 years

At preschool age, children begin to experience grievances. Often disorders are associated with toys or games with peers. Preschool children already know how to talk, but the ability to verbally express desires develops gradually. Aggression occurs as a defensive reaction. Aggressive behavior of preschool children especially worries parents before school. But as they grow older, irritation decreases and the ability to resolve conflicts verbally increases.

6-10 years

At this age, a former preschooler finds himself in a new environment - school, and learns to integrate into a new community with its own rules. In addition, children of primary school age experience a leap in development. Now the children are no longer babies. They are actively growing up and showing interest in adult life. Most often, the aggressive behavior of children of primary school age is associated precisely with parents’ rejection of the fact that it is time to communicate with the child on an equal basis.

10-12 years

10-12 years old is a stage otherwise known as early adolescence. A kind of preparation for adolescence, adolescence. Now parents and other adults are losing their authority in the eyes of a teenager. The opinion of peers becomes much more important. Attacks of aggression are natural and indicate changes in the body.

If until this time nothing in the behavior of your son or daughter has caused concern, then do not rush to sound the alarm. Gradually the behavior returns to normal. If the child is nervous and aggressive, if you have previously encountered uncontrollable anger, or you feel that you are losing control over the situation, a diagnosis from a specialist is necessary.

Attacks of aggression in children are common. In the cases described, this is a signal of the emergence of new emotions that the baby does not yet know how to cope with properly, and therefore should not cause much concern for parents. You need to show attention and explain how to behave in certain circumstances. The main example for children of any age is their parents. Therefore, it makes sense to look at how you deal with conflict situations. His behavior is probably a copy of yours.

However, if this behavior is protracted, it is worth paying attention to it. Experts identify a number of signs that can help determine a child’s predisposition to aggressive behavior:

Sensitivity and, therefore, constant resentment.
Refusal to follow the rules.
Provoking conflict.
Excessively emotional reaction to the actions of others.

The listed qualities may simply be character traits, or they may be a signal of more serious problems. Carefully observe why your child performs certain actions before drawing conclusions.

Types of aggression

Types of aggressive reactions are divided into several types:

Verbal - the fidget uses all its vocabulary to insult another person.
Physical - fists, teeth, nails are used. The child actively gets into a fight.

Can also be divided into:

Direct - coming into direct contact with an opponent verbally or physically.
Indirect - the desire to express aggression towards an opponent through causing harm to his things. For example, a child may want to break another person's toy, tear up a book, or throw something away if he feels angry towards that person.
Symbolic - in other words, threats. The baby may scream that he is going to use force. Most often, a warning is immediately followed by action.

Moreover, aggression can be:

Active, that is, initiated by internal mental processes.
Protective - a reaction to external conditions.

Experts are trying to establish a relationship between the level of development of a child and the tendency to show aggression. For example, it is noted that children with lower developmental levels are more likely to exhibit sudden, impulsive rage.

Factors influencing the child

Aggression does not occur if the student feels comfortable. Hostility appears if he is in an unpleasant situation.

There are a number of external factors that can increase a child's risk of developing excessive impulsivity at any age. Including:

Psychological comfort is very important for a baby from birth. Including the daily routine and consistent behavior of parents. If some relatives prohibit something, while others allow the same, the baby begins to feel discomfort. Irritation, anger and aggression appear as a response.

Situations often arise in which as soon as a child begins to aggressively express his demands, he is immediately allowed what he wants. In the minds, this behavior of adults reinforces a certain model. This means that everything can be achieved this way.

Other factors that can cause aggression include:

Punishments. If punishments inspire fear and cause pain so much that the restless person ceases to perceive their cause, then most often this leads to isolation, irritability and attacks.

However, aggressiveness can be formed in both an overly strict and an overly lenient environment. In a family where prohibitions are not taken seriously, the younger ones learn to get their way through aggressiveness. This pattern of behavior continues in the future. The older the child, the more difficult it is to correct this omission.

Although it cannot be said that exclusively watching programs containing elements of violence can lead to nervous behavior, the level of aggression from them definitely increases. This is worth considering when you trust phones, tablets and TVs. At a younger age, it is recommended to control the programs and games they watch.

Situational aggression - occurs in response to discomfort. For example, hunger or fatigue. The baby becomes irritable. Such anger goes away when basic needs are met.

Rarely does only one factor lead to nervous behavior in children. More often there is a combination of reasons. It is usually quite difficult to figure it out on your own. It is best to contact a professional psychologist who will give recommendations to the parents of an aggressive child and offer a way out.

Portrait of an aggressive child

Misha Smirnov is in first grade. He was really looking forward to the first of September, but over the course of several months of studying, his mood and behavior changed dramatically. He has almost no friends in class, because everyone knows: if the boy doesn’t like something, he can ruin the textbook, throw out his pencils, or even hit the offender. Meetings at which Misha is constantly reprimanded for his behavior do not help, nor does the advice of teachers who claim that a first-grader should be punished for evil deeds. Misha withdraws more and more into himself every day and does not tell his parents anything.

Psychologist's comment

Irina Malyaeva, child psychologist: “If a boy doesn’t want to say why he’s angry at everyone, you don’t need to pull him out of him with pincers. Most likely, “all the stars” have come together here: the crisis has lasted 7 years, high expectations have not been met, he is trying to withstand the stress and responsibility, but involuntarily pushes away friends and relatives, the circle closes. If this is not stopped, it will only get worse. First, you need to get the student talking - play special games with him, ask him to simulate the situation, and then gently explain how to behave in his condition.

What to do?

First of all, remember that such a baby needs understanding and consolation. This is his kind of cry for help. He drives himself into a cage and doesn’t know how to get out. He pushes you away and you feel like he's antisocial, even though he's desperately trying to get attention.

Aggressive behavior at different ages requires different actions. For example, in early childhood it is possible to simply ignore such manifestations, but at the same time be sure to praise the child for good deeds. This method shows that there are more effective methods of communication. Talking through feelings together with parents helps. This works especially well if aggression arises as a result of a misunderstanding of one’s emotions and, as a consequence, the inability to manage them. Older children can already be calmed down with a calm phrase. For example: “Adults don’t behave like that.”

If you see signs that aggression is beginning to accumulate in a child, and he is about to let it splash out, try to distract him.

Very often you may encounter the fact that in response to aggression from a first-grader, adults begin to demonstrate their superiority. This tactic never brings the desired results. On the contrary, it leads to an increase in the level of anger. The task of adults should be to create favorable conditions and explain options for behavior in difficult situations. Below we discuss in more detail methods to help cope with aggressive behavior.

It is necessary to be aware that holding back negative emotions can have unpleasant consequences for children's aggression. Anger and irritation accumulate in the psyche of any person. If these emotions are not given a timely outlet, they will most likely break out at the most inopportune moment and will be directed, perhaps, at those who are not at all to blame for this state.

There are a number of actions that experts advise using to give vent to aggression:

Use physical activity. For example, tear a piece of paper, beat a punching bag or a pillow. Active walks or exercise can also help reduce aggression.
Encourage your child to hide emotions somewhere. For example, screaming into a bag or box. This helps to splash out excess aggression, but only in a certain place.
One of the most important ways is to verbalize feelings and emotions. This exercise helps you learn to understand what he is experiencing. And gradually he will master other possible reactions. Recognizing anger is the most important step towards controlling it. But it is very important for parents to start. First, adults talk through their feelings. It is possible to show emotions, but not excessively. Then the parents start talking about feelings. Delicacy must be observed here. Saying, “I know how you feel,” can be irritating. Don't assert, but guess and ask. Your task is to provoke a dialogue.

In addition, you can introduce activities into your daily life that are quite calming. Pay special attention to:

Any form of water play has a calming effect. Even just sitting on the shore of a pond or next to an aquarium has a positive effect on your emotional state. Many games are easy to organize at home, even if you don't have access to a bathroom. An ordinary basin or bucket can turn into a home lake on which animals or boats can float. Pouring water from one container to another works great. There are many water-based experiments that your baby can do with you to keep him distracted and calm.

You can combine physical activity with the therapeutic properties of water and go to the pool.

Bulk materials are easily susceptible to external influence. You can experiment with them and not worry about damage: everything can be easily restored. Even the most aggressive child will easily get involved in the game.

Creation

A great way to express emotions is through creativity. Children's drawings, for example, usually reflect their inner state. And based on the subject of the drawings or the colors used, you can roughly imagine whether the child has problems.

There is a psychological technique that is used when a child does not want to share the details of a conflict situation. Invite him to draw what happened. During the creative process, the way of thinking changes and, perhaps, it will be easier for the baby not only to describe the situation, but also to perceive parental instructions and advice.

In addition to drawing, modeling deserves special attention. Activities that focus on fine motor skills are known to have a calming effect.

For older children, you can offer written work. For example, write a story about your emotions. Spiritualize feelings and place them in some situation so that the child experiences the conflict detachedly.

Sometimes he just needs to build and break a tower of cubes. And this is his personal way of dealing with aggression.

In any case, creativity is well received by children. It's worth taking advantage of this to help them deal with their anger.

In rare cases, it is difficult to combat child aggression using these methods - especially if children suffer from autism, epilepsy, hyperactivity and other disorders. In this case, education and advice will not help; a deeper diagnosis of aggression in the child, examination and treatment is necessary. The causes and consequences of childhood aggression are not fully understood. Diagnostics can help resolve the problem as quickly as possible.

Alena is a regular expert on the PupsFull portal. She writes articles about psychology, education and learning and games for children.