My teenage daughter doesn't want to study. The child does not want to go to school: what to do? My daughter doesn't want to go to school

For the past 13 and a half years, our 13-year-old daughter has refused to go to school.

Currently, this consists of not getting up, not getting dressed, not tearing her school uniform so she has nothing to wear, hiding her shoes, refusing to leave the house, and so on.

In the last semester she often said that she felt bad, sometimes she had a headache, sometimes she felt nauseous, sometimes her arm hurt. She had a lot of research on the GP and the hospital; Typically, the diagnosis was that she was a healthy girl, but tense, and the therapist suggested an anxiety disorder.

That term, the only way we were able to get her to come in was to micromanage her morning routine, checking every 5 or 10 minutes that she was awake, starting to get dressed, packing her bag, wearing shoes and so on.

Even then, she still sometimes refuses to leave, just standing there motionless. At various times we have had to put her shoes on her and this morning I had to physically drag her from the house to the bus stop as she tried to grab onto the door, railing, gate and then refused to get on the bus until I pulled her with me . She cried and screamed all the time.

The school is clearly unhappy with her lack of attendance and we have met several times with our daughter's supervisor and the school principal. The school reassures us that whenever they check on her, she is having fun playing with her friends or doing well in class, and that there must be some problems at home. However, during the two week half term (just ended) she was a lovely, happy girl who loved meeting her friends to play.

Now the school is saying that we are being persecuted for not sending her to school. (We're in the UK, where, as they keep reminding us, parents can be sent to prison if their children don't attend school.) Her attendance is currently around 55% - we can usually get her to go in 2-3 days a week. a week

I'm in tatters over having to use force like this. As I write this, two hours have passed since I put her on the bus, but I am still shaking and crying. Moreover, such use of force could no doubt also land me in prison.

Obviously there are some problems with the school: first, her dedicated school locker is a very sensitive item. She complains that she doesn't have one, but is evasive and gives inconsistent answers when we check in with her on this issue at different times. It seems like the school gave each of them keys to their own locker, but now another girl is using our daughter for her PE (Physical Education) kit (so she has two lockers, one for her books and one for her PE kit).

The school claims to have no record of which locker was assigned to which girl and has asked us to obtain more details about this; When we suggest we talk to the school about her locker, she demands that we not do it.

(This reminds me a lot of when I was bullied in middle school: the boys who took books out of my school bag told me that if I went to my parents or teachers, they would make my life even worse.)

There also seems to be some problems related to her homework: although she is generally a smart girl, she sometimes gets stuck on homework. She doesn't like being noticed or fussed over at all, so she won't ask the teacher for clarification or help. But she's also very eager to please and hates to disappoint, so she hates turning in work that isn't perfect. Then she got stuck.

Neither my wife nor I know how to help her with this impasse.

We are waiting for a referral to help with her mental health around this but we are completely out of ideas.

It's also especially difficult (i.e. often impossible) to get her to go on a day when there is PE. Unlike our other daughters, this one seems confused by the changes her body is going through; she is very much in the middle of her changes; she tilted her shoulders forward so that the shape of her breasts was not visible.

Her school attendance is on the verge of tearing our family apart.

I don't think the problem is just bullying: I think there are a lot of problems going on at the same time. Obviously any of these issues will take time to resolve, but we need her to go to school every day.

Obviously we have considered moving her to another school, but with that comes homework and body image, and in our experience (both other daughters and our friends) there will be bullying at any school. So she'll have to start again; at least she has friends at her current school.

(When we ask her if she wants to change schools, sometimes she says yes, sometimes no.)

We tried to discuss this topic with her, but she again avoids and becomes uncommunicative.

My wife and I work full time. It's likely that one of us will have to give up work to cope with this; this will involve selling our house (we live in the house my wife's parents lived in before they died; it's been in her family for about 30 years) and moving to a much cheaper area. We've lived in this area for 25 years, so all of our friends and support network are here.

Our daughter has two older sisters: 16 and 18 years old. The eldest is studying at the university. None of them had problems attending school; they are both confused by her behavior, tell her she should come in but she still won't.

We weren't able to determine what the exact problems were, and she didn't confide in her sisters or friends (which we were able to figure out). We only know about the locker issue because we noticed her evasiveness and inconsistent answers to some very specific questions. Other questions are indeed expected.

If anyone has any ideas, we are grasping at straws.

Answers

MCepe

(Background: I saw this question on SE and am answering from an anonymous account due to personal details). I'm not a parent but I feel compelled to post because this resonates strongly with me.

Your daughter sounds like she is a normal, bright, happy teenager with no major problems, except for this problem of going to school. It is also clear that the extent of her dislike of school goes far beyond typical teenage rebellion or a desire to skip class. Please also understand that I'm not trying to bother you with this answer.

What you're describing sounds a lot like she's being bullied at school. Severe bullying by other pupils is most likely, but it is also possible that staff are at fault either because they actively participate in the abuse or deliberately ignore violence from pupils. While she obviously needs to attend school, I think her attendance is less important now than the underlying issues - she may learn later on anything she misses due to low attendance, but there is a real possibility that staying in school now it's bad for her

At the age of 12-13, I acted in exactly the same way as you describe. Because of the school system, I did not have to physically resist going to school at that time, but I was able to fake attendance, which I devoted a lot of effort to. I rarely went to class, was evasive about school subjects with my parents, and was especially evasive about material possessions (even though I didn't have lockers or anything like that). Physical activity was my biggest problem and I missed physical education classes for a year, even on days when I would otherwise go to class. This is why your daughter's behavior sounds familiar.

My problems were mainly caused by bullying from other children, which was silently ignored by most of the staff. I was constantly subjected to verbal and psychological bullying, with my belongings attacked at times - my bag or books were stolen or damaged, once my school bag was stolen and then thrown at a teacher's head from a window in an attempt to frame me for it.

Physical education lessons were when bullying was quite constant, even physical. Sometimes I've had my clothes stolen or destroyed, and of course PE, due to its nature, provided a lot of opportunities for things like "accidental" hitting me in the face, hitting me on the head, tripping me, and so on. The gym teacher was, as I now understand, an adult who should not have worked with children - the teacher often verbally humiliated me and made jokes at my expense (I was a child with a small frame and mediocre coordination). That's why PE eventually became the center of my problems in school, and I started skipping it entirely - and I was definitely prepared to fight back furiously if anyone tried to drag me into PE.

I strongly suspect your daughter is experiencing something similar. If she is being bullied, the bullying may also be centered around sensitive issues. Minor body issues are not that uncommon for a girl her age, but bullying can turn them into major issues, such as being afraid of seeing the overall shape of her breasts.

I also find the school's behavior very disturbing. If they know about her problems from you, and they themselves are dodging the lockers and threatening to harass your family, then perhaps the school is hiding something, such as the staff knowing about the bullying but neglecting it.

Your daughter may benefit from a therapist. Assuming my assumptions are correct, she does need to feel safe - something she doesn't do at school. She must be fully aware that your first priority is her overall well-being, not her grades or attendance right now. Ultimately, you need to get her to the point where she feels comfortable telling you the truth, even if it involves her being abused at school and threatening not to talk about it or even change schools.

My suggestions, in particular:

Don't assume that she has her best interests at school, don't assume that she is safe (especially mentally) at school.

If she has good friends at school, talk to them privately. Ask them if they have an idea that might help you. I mean her friends, not their parents - if there is a serious problem, her friends the same age may have noticed something, but their parents probably wouldn't know.

Look into suitable therapists who can help your daughter talk. It might be easier for her to open up to a stranger.

Let her know, very clearly, that you will not blame her for any problems that may cause her, and that your first priority is her well-being and safety. Let her know that you are willing to send her to another school or do anything else that might help her. She may be almost ready to tell you the truth, but is too afraid of your reaction.

anongoodnurse

First of all, let me express my sympathy for what appears to be an extremely difficult situation. What follows doesn't mean I don't sympathize with your struggle.

It sounds like you have a few ideas about why your daughter is acting the way she is (since she's not being completely forthcoming), but this has been going on for a year and a half now. Your daughter's behavior is clearly not normal.. If you can't get to the bottom of it, she urgently needs someone who can. A good therapist is a start, and it's hard to understand why more hasn't been done on this front (disclaimer: I don't live in the UK). She should have started therapy by now.

While you can't rely 100% on her teachers' reports, you should talk to all of them regularly to compare and contrast her pattern-seeking behavior. This sounds like possible mockery or even insult.

If she suffers from body image issues, the school should provide a safe place to change into or out of her PE uniform, or you can request that she be left out of the PE program altogether and provide school officials with an acceptable outside alternative. ,

The lock bit - if true - is intimidating. Why are you letting school officials off the hook by saying they have no record of which locker was assigned to which girl? You and they are the adults here, not your daughter. Of course, she won't want any more negative attention if that's actually happening. Have someone open her locker and see what's inside!

If there are problems with her performance in certain subjects, hire her to tutor. Test her for dyslexia. Sit down and do her homework to figure out what she's not getting. But do something.

Now the school is saying that we are being persecuted for not sending her to school.

This seems a little Dickensian. Will this really solve anything? How real is this threat? Is it just a fine? If so, use that money to get her a good therapist.

What I mean is that even without knowing the root of the problem, there are measures (admittedly perhaps a time frame) you can take to solve the problems you know about until someone gets to the bottom of it this problem.

However, at the heart of the problem lies what's best for your daughter. Take her to a good teenage therapist who can help her open up and work it out (it's often easier to let violence happen to a stranger than to family) and who talks to a psychiatrist (again, I'm unfamiliar with the UK health system) so that if it turns out to be an anxiety disorder of some sort - OCD/social phobia/other - she can get the help (and possibly medication*) she needs.

* No doubt the mention of a cure will cause some to protest vigorously. However, I have seen medications appear to be miracles. I'm not talking about quackery here; I'm talking about proper diagnosis and treatment. Be it CBT, medication or some other method.

user25088

Thanks for the detailed answer - we have a lot to think about (and things we still need to do) here. I'll leave this for a day or two for others to respond before accepting the answer. As for prosecution, yes, the UK does send parents to prison every year their children are out of school: bbc.co.uk/news/education-33861985.

@user25088 It is legal to homeschool in the UK, for example see bbc.co.uk/schools/parents/home_education. Education is a legal requirement, but school is not. (Obviously, home education is not something that should be attempted lightly, though).

Josh Corn

Karl Witthoft

@bunyaCloven Ummm, there is no protection for whistleblowers. Supposed laws that claim to protect them do not.

Josh Corn

Because pretending bullying doesn't happen is the easiest thing for school officials to do. Many people do not like to “rock the boat” and also do not admit that their school is not ideal. Not all schools take this approach, but my direct experience with one school was that it did just that.

theDADDY

Bullying happens throughout life, at any age; in workplaces, households, universities and schools, crossing age groups (i.e. some teachers bully certain students) and it takes different forms. Unfortunately, this is a fact of life and the rest of us must try to recognize and spread it. It can literally destroy end it with people's lives. But the problem is that it is difficult to recognize and treat.

R..

Enforced compliance is better than no compliance at all. I'm on the "get a lawyer, yesterday" side.

Josh Corn

The purpose of retaining an attorney is to take the problem out of the hands of the individual school and into the hands of the Board of Education, which has a public responsibility (principals, etc. are not) and is responsible for its entire staff to the extent that no one of his employees cannot plead ignorance. This effectively puts the entire board on notice and communicates - clearly - that you are not going to take the issue alone.

mweiss

First, I agree with other posters who suggest that your daughter may be trying to escape an abusive situation and that this should be taken very seriously. In the short term, however, what should you do?

You wrote this

We are in the UK where, as they constantly remind us, parents can be sent to prison if their children do not attend school.

Strictly speaking, this is not true. A more accurate statement would be:

In England, the Education Act 1944 means that parents have a legal duty to educate their children, but are not required to do so by sending their child to school. The Direct Gov website lists the responsibilities of parents. It is this: “a child is not required to follow the national curriculum or sit national tests, but as a parent you have a legal duty to ensure that your child receives full-time education appropriate to their age, ability and ability.”

In other words, Homeschooling is legal in the UK. I would suggest having a serious discussion with your daughter about this as an option, even if it is only a temporary solution while you work to resolve whatever issues are causing her so much trauma at school.

Adam Davis

We took one of our children out of school and homeschooled them for a year after a particularly difficult year for them - at age 12-13, in fact. After a year of homeschooling, we moved them to a new school and they are doing well now. We had no idea about bullying or bullying, but given the strong objection she has to school, I wouldn't rule it out as a possibility. However, a year of homeschooling - which you can achieve for the brightest youth after work - may be worth considering if outright changing schools is not an option.

Ivo Renkema

Indeed, homeschooling may be worth considering. Being away from school should help loosen things up. And then everything else can be simpler. She may also return to school later...

peterpeterson

Have you tried to talk to her?

The first question I would like to ask is:

Would you like to change schools?

If she said yes, ask why.

I had a similar problem with my sister-in-law, she didn't want to go to school because of bullying.

But the problems may be something else, like abuse, as suggested earlier, but it may also be stupid to us adults, which is not so stupid to a teenager.

The point is that if she doesn't want to change schools, then there is nothing wrong with the school, but there is something wrong with her, such as depression.

If she doesn't want to talk, a good friend of hers can give you some answers.

Amit Sharma

I'm second, it's strong. Ask her if she would like to change schools as soon as possible. To me, all the signs of this point to an abusive or intimidating situation.

IllusiveBrian

I think it's a little hasty to say this just because she's not sure she wants to change schools, that it's not a problem with the school. She may not want to leave the friends she has, or simply think that she will face the same type of violence at the new school (if it is violence or bullying).

called2voyage

@IllusiveBrian Also, if an adult is committing violence, there is a possibility that credible threats were made that moving will not solve.

Warren Dew

Something bad is happening to her at school, something very bad judging by her level of disgust. This could be serious bullying or violence, possibly sexual. This likely has a physical aspect to it, given that it seems to be focused on PE.

I would try to get her to talk about it to understand what it is. Offer to allow her to stay out of school for a few weeks in the gym or not attend school at all for a week. If asked, tell the school that you are concerned about possible violence, perhaps by school staff, and you want it resolved before sending her back. Also call the hotline on the website mentioned in the comment - https://www.nspcc. org.uk/what-you-can-do/report-abuse/

If you can't figure out what the problem is, change schools. She doesn't mind too much, and the problem probably concerns specific people who won't be at the new school. This is not a guaranteed fix, but it should at least help.

user25088

Thanks for the answer. I have to say that the thought of violence didn't occur to either of us; we will talk about it later.

Warren Dew

@DoritoStyle On the other hand, they have not yet been prosecuted despite a 45% absence rate, which provides a baseline for determining the threshold. The part about reporting suspected abuse is important to put the school on the defensive to be blunt about things.

aparente001

There are many underlying health problems that can lead to school failure. My 13 year old went through school refusal, but not as severe and not as long as your daughter. My son has several neurological conditions, including OCD, that are difficult to detect and diagnose. But as other answers and comments show, there are a number of different basic things that can produce the same result.

Of course, every piece of advice you gave for her to start therapy was correct, but my experience has been that sometimes it takes a while to get into shape, and even after that, to see improvement.

So I have some specific suggestions for you while this falls into place.

Consider alternative school placements. Where I live in the US, young people who are going through a difficult time can attend a small alternative program for a month. See what's available where you are.

Consider the home instructions. Here is a link to one such program: http://www.p12.nysed.gov/nonpub/handbookonservices/homeboundinstruction.html Please note, I think it is too early to start thinking about selling your home, downsizing, when one parent leaves Job. However, you may want to consider having one parent take temporary leave. You can also hire a child care provider to ensure your daughter is safe and cared for at home while you are away.

Involving your daughter's primary care provider would be helpful in many ways. Is that what you call a GP in the UK? Her doctor can help you get the services your daughter needs and discuss possible pharmacological treatments.

Consider making some comments at school. You might be surprised how useful this can be. (Example: When my son was in fifth grade, I knew something was wrong, but he couldn't point to it to help me understand. When I went to the October Open House and sat at his table, I found out that his teacher sat him where he couldn't see the board and couldn't see her face. Two minutes into her speech, I realized what was wrong - his ADHD was driving her crazy, and she was trying to solve this problem in the only way which she knew how.)

After school, make an appointment with the school principal (principal - principal/headmistress) to visit your daughter's locker with you and have the two of you carefully try to open it and check the contents together - perhaps without your daughter present.

Take a look at several lists that are published online about school placements. Choose a few ideas you've read that you think will help your daughter feel more comfortable at school, and ask the school to test them to see if they help. It can be overwhelming to show one of these long lists to your daughter; however, try to get information from her about what she thinks might help. Example: https://www.iidc.indiana.edu/pages/Classroom-Ideas-to-Reduce-Anxiety

If changing schools is an option... monitor a potential new school; Compare your impressions with your observations of her current school. If the new one looks promising, make sure your daughter checks it out too. Usually the best way to do this is to provide a "shadow". A well-meaning, friendly child her age will volunteer to be her owner, and your daughter will attend classes with her owner, sit with her at lunch, etc. Where I live, one of the schools uses this as a standard way of introducing fifth graders. in high school, in the spring, before making changes.

If your daughter turns out to be diagnosed, see if you can find a way for her to spend some time with other young people with the same diagnosis, even if you have to travel a little. A few months after my son was diagnosed with Tourette's syndrome, we attended a family Tourette's retreat weekend. It was worth the 5 hour drive! He came home feeling much less weird, more accepting of his differences.

aparente001

@user25088 - Today I came across a good article on your topic: chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/366261/jewish/… . It is written by a rabbi, but the article itself is completely secular in its approach.

1 for recommending against parents quitting jobs etc - I'd say she probably needs home stability now to help counteract what's going on at school and drastic changes in home and family income would be major destabilizing factors.

Momthatsbeenthruit

My daughter skipped school from 15-17 years old. We were tied up with the District Courts in the US due to lack of school. Counseling, school trackers, court internships, threats to move her to a group home - nothing helped. There were no other problems except absenteeism. It was only after she tried another high school that she decided to get her GED rather than graduate from high school. Everyone told her that she would not give anything. She received her GED within 6 weeks. I tried everything from extreme fighting, talking until I felt there was nothing new to discover to finally tell her that this is her life and I had to hand it over to her. It took her another year to finally tell me what she couldn't understand when she was in middle school. She didn't fit in with the kids she wanted to be friends with. She didn't have good friends at school. She had anxiety after missing classes. The teachers were unkind after she skipped class. The administrators were worse. She was not bullied. She just didn't feel fit and didn't want to be there. I don't have a solution for you. I feel your pain. Well my story is that my daughter turned 18 and because of my constant message to stand by her through this and that she needed to take responsibility for her life decisions even at 17 - she Decided she wanted to go to college part-time and get a full-time job One day, she met other like-minded students whom she rented! She now has a life plan and is living it. I pray for you that you can help your daughter find her way and it won't take you 2 years.

SteveDonie

Another possibility that occurred to me while reading this is that she may have gender identity issues. My youngest child (now 17) recently transitioned from being born (female) to binary gender and had his breasts removed over the summer. The change in their behavior was astonishing - they now much happier at school.

We had to see several different therapists who could help with this, including family therapy for all of us, therapy for just my wife and I, and private therapy for our child. This has happened over the last 2 1/2 years or so.

Rory Alsop ♦

I'm not sure there's anything in the question that points to gender issues. Can you elaborate on specific indicators?

200_success

@RoryAlsop "Unlike our other daughters, this one seems confused by the changes her body is going through; she is very much in the middle of her changes; she tilts her shoulders forward so that the shape of her breasts is not visible."

Charleh

My daughter had similar problems when she was 12 years old. She found it difficult to cope with the rapid changes that occur when puberty hits, to the point that she talked about "chopping off" pieces. She is a gymnast, obviously quite slim but with muscles, so neither my wife nor I could understand the body image issues at first. Every child goes through a process of finding themselves - it takes time and sometimes they end up not matching their body. While this particular question sounds (imho) more like bullying, I wouldn't discount anything!

Derek Tomes

I joined the site to answer this question, but I can't. So I'm leaving a comment on this issue because I think they might be right. This was the age when my daughter decided she identified the man. I highly recommend proactively stating that you support any LGBT decisions your daughter may make and seeing if attending school without a uniform is attractive to her.

livesblackblood

Your daughter is at a difficult age. School may expect more from her academically, and by age 13 most children have undergone enough biological changes to cause bullying, depression, peer pressure to try drugs and sex, etc., so for many children school becomes a harrowing experience ,I think if she resisted that much, it would be respectful to listen to her.You might want to consider taking a short vacation.

Homeschooling may be the solution.If you spend more time with her, the source of her suffering may emerge more easily.At the same time, she can continue to learn without the pressure of a school environment, perhaps even discovering what interests her about approaches to high school.You are also sending her a crucial message that you are serious about her.

In the UK there is a well known non-profit organization calledEducation otherwise" which deals with compulsory education laws and offers a support network for families.The site's FAQ states: "The law in England is that education is compulsory, but school is not."and has documentation and instructions for the parent who wishes to remove the child from school.

Perhaps, having gotten through this difficult patch, she will return to school with a more assertive attitude: Over the years that we have been homeschooling, I have known many families who took their children home due to bullying, health problems, or learning problems. and then they returned to school after everything was resolved. Good luck!

Anonymous

Your child is currently being failed by the school and medical system.She has something of a school phobia (although there are good reasons why no one should make diagnoses over the Internet, especially not experts).

The school should support you in getting treatment.This may include therapy for her and family therapy so you all understand how to best support her.They threatened legal action.To reassure you, the fact that you are seeking treatment and have asked the school to help you should be taken to mean that you are advocating for her.Please document the school's failure to support your child.You can contact your local child protection council to raise concerns about the lack of support at school.

Unfortunately, CYPS (Children and Young People's Mental Health Services) are currently massively oversubscribed and underfunded.There is recent investment in the form of the Young People's Transformation Scheme, but some clinical commission groups have spent that money on other things.Please, if you feel that your experience of treatment has not been good, please let your MP know.

To get treatment, you need to go to your GP and click.You must be polite but persistent.

Due to the regional nature of clinical commissioning groups, it is difficult to know what is available in your area.Some areas are better than others (they spent YPTP money on youth).

Here are some examples of sites that provide some information:

Gloucestershire: (text created in collaboration with young people. All artwork created by young people. Great site.)https://www.onyourmindglos.nhs.uk/

Liverpool: (CYPS/CAMHS award winning):http://www.freshcamhs.org/

National charity MIND has information for young people:http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/children-and-young-people/

Receiving mental health treatment for a child is a difficult time for families, but it is important to remember that most mental health problems are treatable and respond well to early intervention.

Michael Borgwardt

We tried to discuss this topic with her, but she again avoids and becomes uncommunicative.

Jokes aside? This is all? You're ready to physically drag your daughter to school and think about uprooting your entire family, but when you just trytalk to her, do you just give up when she doesn't cooperate?

This is where your priorities are mixed up (not necessarily your goals, but definitely your action priorities).

Leave everything else behind right now and do whatever you need to do to get your daughter to trust you!

Because she obviously doesn't, and for good reason, considering how much effort you're willing to put into superficial measures and how little into trying to understand her perspective.Note: I'm not saying you don't love her or aren't interested in her deep down - but you seem to be approaching this issue completely wrong and may be giving her the very wrong impression.

Another factor is that at her age she desperately wants to be more independent and may follow some self-destructive strategies in this regard.

So I suggest you (or your wife, whoever you think she's more likely to open up to) try talking to her again, and try harder this timemuch more . You have to convince her of some points:

• What you honestly want to understand isWhy she doesn't want to go to school and will take everything she says seriously and not reject her.
• That you won't get angry, humiliate her, or punish her no matter what she says.
• That you love her and your number one priority is to help her be happier, not to maintain appearances or force her to live up to expectations.
• That you are willing to let her make her own decisions (within reason) andto work together to solve these problems, and not just impose your will on her.

ORG

This is not a particularly useful answer.This is somewhat objective and seems to make unfounded assumptions about what happened when the parents tried to deal with it.As a parent, you can be proud of your storytelling skills, but you don't need to practice them on the OP.

Michael Borgwardt

@jwg: My "guess" is to go by the details in the question.And, as I see it, I am addressing the heart of the issue that most others are ignoring.

kubanczyk

Good approach! It struck me too: in one paragraph, “she’s shying away,” and in the next, “One of us needs to quit our job, we need to sell the house.”Seems like a lot of drama but lack of informationV source. Although @MichaelBorgwardt's answer would be even better if you expanded a bit,How break up. The desired end result is outlined in full.

Michael Borgwardt

@kubanczyk: I'm not sure I can say much about how, it depends on the girl's reaction and what exactly she's afraid of.The key is probably reassuring her that her feelings, opinions and decisions are taken seriously - nothing makes a teenager more angry and stubborn than not being taken seriously.

Chris Jones

I agree with the top voted answers that there is some good and valid reason why she really doesn't want to go to school.

Imagine that she is in a situation where everything in this life forces her to do something that she really does not want to do.This is something that as an adult (living in a modern democracy) is not always easy to fully understand, because while you certainly experience all sorts of pressures, you rarely actuallyforced do something against your will.

Also understand that it may be extremely difficult for her to explain what the problem is.It won't reflect on you or the sitting man that she is being difficult or secretive, which is probably very difficult for her to articulate.

I would suggest that the first thing you should do is tell her that you understand that she has problems and tell her that youunconditionally on her side . Keep in mind that she may well be aware of your expectations (even if they are in her best interests), and the problems may be compounded by feeling disappointed by you.

On a practical level, one of the best things you can do immediately is give her some options.Even a sense of choice can make a huge difference in a situation like this.

Don't expect to discover the root of the problem immediately or even ever, but you can make her feel like she's safe and at home and she doesn't have to resort to deception if she's afraid to go to school.

Personally, I would say that if your child really doesn't want to go to school, they will benefit more from your support in dealing with whatever problem is present rather than just being blindly forced to attend.

Possible solutions

You can find out if there are any helpful structured activities she can participate in, such as sports, youth groups (such as Scouts) or art groups.It is also worth finding out if there are any charities that could help support this type of activity.

Obviously there are legal requirements to provide a proper education, but since there is an obvious problem with the normal process, you need to try to interact with the system and find some solution.There may be some mechanism to at least help, and if not, then you need to find a way around it.It is important to emphasize here that you are concerned about her well-being and have definitely indicated that you feel she is not receiving adequate support at school and has clear mental health issues.

Three Diag

I would just like to add to the other answers that while changing schools may not be a long-term solution, it can be a short-term solution that allows your family to stay in control without compromising your financial situation.

Changing schools has several consequences:

This may cause your child to lose their current network of friends.

• This can teach her that it's okay to run away from problems and leave her unprepared if the problem happens again.

  • This leaves the bullies unchanged

But it will give your family a break and perhaps save your child's school year by starting good therapy and dealing with the consequences.

This is not a complete answer to your situation, but I feel you could benefit from this consideration.

wberry

This sounds like bullying to me.And if your daughter thought you could be of more help, she would have already told you about it.Therefore, she believes that you can't (or won't) do anything about it if you should know the truth, and that her best strategy is absenteeism.

For her to open up, you need to prove to her that you can and will stop it.Either by changing schools, or punishing those responsible, etc. So first decide if you are going to commit to finding a solution.Because it sounds like the school wants to go afteryou , if some faculty turns out to be somehow complicit.If it's too hot for you, perhaps you should run rather than fight (i.e. change schools or even quit).

Also keep in mind that for girls, bullying often takes a psychological form.Shame, expulsion, test taking, etc. A particular aversion to the PE class is a good place to start looking.Also check her phone and social media for offensive messages.

VictorySaber

sayings

I agree with everyone that this sounds very serious.It's obvious that you've thought about this for a long time and that you're concerned.

I won't repeat what others have said, but here's another suggestion: try talking to some of her school friends or her friends' parents.Maybe you can get more information about the locker problem and how to fix it.

coteyr

Daniel Allen Langdon

I really like this answer.I love how you learned more about what this girl is going through and you are very practical about how to deal with it.As I said in my own answer, she needs to feel safe enough to express her concern to those who care about her so that it can be addressed appropriately.

ihatespiders

Wow. This sounds just like my daughter did at 13 years old. (She is now 22 years old). I basically couldn't get it in high school. I didn’t know why for almost a year, a year when they listened to me at the examination committee. (Especially humiliating since I'm a teacher...) It turns out she has developed social phobia and panic disorder. However, it was clearly a family issue that triggered this - (our situations are different in this regard) My then husband, her father, was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, from which he passed away a few short months later. She also accidentally became familiar with the information. that he had an affair that resulted in a child. So it was all quite traumatic - more for her than for her sisters, since she is the oldest and has known him longer. She acted just like your daughter. I probably could have done more to help her if the school nurse hadn't told me that she goes to the office almost every day feeling sick and just sits in the nurse's office and crying. Ultimately, I wasn't successful in any way; Now she's agoraphobic too. Beautiful, smart and completely cut off from the world. My advice to explore this possibility - anxiety disorder - is to look into it completely and do everything you can to get help for it. This is increasing among our teenagers - every year I have a couple more students (usually girls, boys this year) who suffer from anxiety. Luckily, there is also more information. and treatment options, it seems to me, too. Ultimately, I was not successful in any way; Now she's agoraphobic too. Beautiful, smart and completely cut off from the world. My advice to explore this possibility - anxiety disorder - is to look into it completely and do everything you can to get help for it. This is increasing among our teenagers - every year I have a couple more students (usually girls, boys this year) who suffer from anxiety. Luckily, there is also more information. and treatment options, it seems to me, too. Ultimately, I was not successful in any way; Now she's agoraphobic too. Beautiful, smart and completely cut off from the world. My advice to explore this possibility - anxiety disorder - is to look into it completely and do everything you can to get help for it. This is increasing among our teenagers - every year I have a couple more students (usually girls, boys this year) who suffer from anxiety. Luckily, there is also more information. and treatment options, I think, too. It's on the rise among our teenagers - every year I have a couple more students (usually girls, boys this year) who suffer from anxiety. Luckily, there is also more information. and treatment options, I think, too. It's on the rise among our teenagers - every year I have a couple more students (usually girls, boys this year) who suffer from anxiety. Luckily, there is also more information. and treatment options, it seems to me, too. Good luck.

Peter Teoh

Simple: change the environment, i.e. change the school.

Analogy: If I go to work and my boss criticizes me all the time, for outrageous reasons that I had before, and there is nothing wrong with me - emotionally, ethically, etc., I resign.

There was a much happier life there after me: everyone respects each other and does not play politics with each other (to an acceptable extent).

The child is often vulnerable and innocent, but some are not, due to individual parenting.The child's guilt, if any, is most likely also related to his parental upbringing.Therefore, we cannot change the behavior of other children, but try to change the school or environment.

But be careful: you'll probably run into the same problems at another school, so be prepared to come up with alternative solutions to this.

Ivana

To the already great answers about how to deal with your daughter, I would like to add that the school is completely failing her and your family.Is your child in their care, having serious problems at school, and all they can offer are threats?They can't even be taken apart to sort out the cabinet? Indeed?! They must begin to understand that this is a huge problem for your daughter, for you, and a risk to the school for them as well.Their failure could lead to anything from government sanctions to bad press, so they really should start doing their job.

At the very least, they should answer simple questions like who is using your daughters locker and which school staff failed to take action.This, in turn, may let you know thatactually is happening.

Getting them to cooperate in trying to figure out what's going on can actually benefit your relationship with your child by showing her that you're on her side. When I was her age I struggled a bit with school, but my dad figured it out and it still makes me smile:

There was a party, and to keep it from being disrupted by strangers, when a child bought a ticket, his name would be crossed off the list.An elderly girl bought a ticket in my name and also spread a rumor that I allowed it.The school said they couldn't do anything about it.When my dad went to school to investigate, he accidentally walked into the principal's office without knocking.The latter somehow misinterpreted this, became defensive and apologized profusely while being cautiously supportive.(My dad is a very nice, outgoing guy, but sometimes clumsy).Needless to say, I got a ticket to the party.

Daniel Allen Langdon

TL; DR; You must make your daughter understand that you love her, you are on her side, she does not need to fear punishment from you, and you will do anything to make it right for her.

I'm very sorry to hear about your problem. I wish I could stand next to you to hug you and dry my eyes. (I need to dry my eyes now to answer your question.) The pain you feel must be terrible, but the alternative to feeling that pain is even worse. The alternative to feeling this pain is to be apathetic. The pain tells me that you love your daughter so much.

My child is not old enough for school yet, but I recently had a chance meeting with another father who had a son about the same age as your daughter with some kind of autistic disorder.This boy was having some problems at school and his father's final solution was to homeschool him.(not saying this is necessarily what your daughter needs) He admitted to me that as his son grew up, he insisted that he behave like other children and he used punishment.He said the day finally came when he realized he was punishing his son for something he couldn't control, and it was a terribly painful realization. Fine! The pain he feels reflects his love for his boy.

You present your daughter's school refusal as a problem that needs to be solved.The real problem is what is causing your daughter to refuse to study.

According to the famous American pediatrician William Sears: “A child who feels well acts well.”Look at your daughter's behavior.You had to physically force her to go to school in a way you clearly regret.Your daughter clearly feels very wrong about school.Your task is to find out the reasons.

As I write this, there are 18 more responses and the word “empathy” is completely missing from all of them.The word "love" appears only once, and the answer in which it appears was rejected.

I encourage you to imagine stepping into your daughter's shoes.Imagine seeing the world through her eyes. What does she see? How does she feel? For what?

I think the other answers suggest that there may be some medical or psychological issues that are causing her to do poorly in school, such as ASD, OCD, gender dysphoria, ADHD or many others.

The problem may be abuse from other children or even school staff.Please keep in mind that often when a child is abused, the abuser will manipulate her into feeling that she deserves what is happening to her, sometimes to the point of denying that abuse even exists.The school's evasiveness and threat of jail are red flags.

Others here have suggested that she might open up to a doctor or therapist.

I don't know what parenting style you use, but I do know that many, if not most, parents use coercive punishment in an attempt to shape their children's behavior.Especially if this describes your parenting, your daughter may be afraid of angering you and getting punished if she tells you what's really on her mind.

I can't claim to be an expert, but here's what I can tell my daughter in these circumstances.(I pretend her name is "Sue")

“Sue, we have a serious problem, and Mom and Dad don’t know what the problem is. You see, having to drag you to the school bus broke my whole heart. I cried for hours later. Maybe you're thinking? that I don't love you anymore because I force you to do what you hate so much.

But Sue, I love you dearly and I want what's best for you. I need you to know, Sue, that Mom and Dad are on your side. We need you to tell us why you refuse to go to school. We promise you that you can tell us the truth, no matter what it is, even if you think the truth will make us sad and angry. We promise not to hit you, punish you, or try to make you feel ashamed. If there is an adult or other student at your school who is threatening you, we promise to protect you from them, even if we have to keep you home. If there is something you feel bad about, no matter how stupid you expect us to think about it, we need you to tell us. We will try to see it through your eyes.

Sue, we need you to talk to us about this because we can't help unless you talk to us.We can tell you're just as unhappy about this as we are, and every day you refuse to talk to us about it is another day you have to live with it."

I'm going to go get some fabric now.

Physico-Compute

I don't see anything that suggests mental issues or bullying.The locker issue needs to be sorted out, so she has her own (she probably voluntarily let her friend use it because she decided she didn't plan on being there anyway).What worries me is that many people turn to frustration, medication or abuse when usually the answer is simpler.

I see there are probably several factors going on here.

1. Attendance problems may have started because you may not have jumped on it soon enough.Kids love to push the boundaries of what they can get away with.
2. Due to low attendance, she may feel embarrassed that she is far behind and may suffer from grades.

If it looks like it might be a problem, I would work to have a private tutor work with her at home (so no one at the school knows).

I would also find a way to reward her for attending and discipline her for not attending.Make the discipline consistent and factual up front so she can see it's not out of anger when it happens.

Peter A. Schneider

This is a slight elaboration on an earlier answer that didn't feel like an answer (thanks to Rory for pointing this out).I'll try to be more specific about why I thought my advice actuallyis answer. Not a solution, mind you, but certainly an answer.

The OP reports an incident that is painful to read:

this morning I had to physically drag her out of the house to the bus stop as she tried to grab onto the door, railing, gate and then refused to get on the bus until I pulled her with me.She cried and screamed all the time.

I believe this is what prompted the post because parents don't know what to do:

Neither my wife nor I know how to help her with this impasse.

Wisely, they seek advice.The post ends

If anyone has any ideas, we are grasping at straws.

This is a fairly broad request for comment.(Also, it's interesting that the post doesn't actually ask a question.) That last sentence is certainly a catch-all for any information or idea that might help.

And I only presented one idea because I thought it was an important, fundamental principle:

Whatever you do, do not use physical violence.

The reason is that mutual confidence (and therefore trust) to avoid physical violence is the basis for all healthy interpersonal relationships.This is not only, but especially true in the family.Inflicting physical violence on another person is a crime that changes the nature of the relationship to a person who cannot be trusted.I don't think this kind of relationship is conducive to solving any problem that may be underlying the OP's daughter's unwanted behavior, which is the ultimate goal.

However, this does not mean that we should say: “If you don’t want to study, that’s your business, only then will you sweep the streets in the future.”

You shouldn’t let everything take its course - this can turn into a tragedy, since teenagers, despite their desire for independence, are still not yet able to bear responsibility for such rash decisions.

To begin with, it is important to analyze the current situation and look for the reasons. It is not without reason that a child may lose interest in learning.

First of all, it is necessary to conclude why the teenage daughter does not want to study. Only then can you help her.

New school

For any student, changing schools is a big shock. There is a gap between primary, basic and secondary schools. Each of these schools has much higher requirements, and the child is initially unable to meet them. This is the principle of learning.

Often in a new school you need to do things differently. The teacher no longer leads students by the hand as he did in elementary school, does not dictate tasks. They are expected to take notes themselves.

The material to be studied is much more extensive; you often have to look for answers in other sources, because not all knowledge is available in textbooks. Added to this is environmental change; new friends, teachers.

Some children, especially sensitive ones, may feel lost. The words: “I won’t study anymore, it’s boring” may hide a request for help addressed to parents.

I do not understand anything!

Some children have an aptitude for the humanities, others are inclined towards the exact sciences. You can't expect your child to get straight A's in every subject. It is worth emphasizing its good and strong sides.

Often a teenage daughter does not want to study because she cannot cope with a certain subject. As a rule, this applies to natural sciences, such as mathematics, physics, chemistry, as well as foreign languages.

If there are gaps in knowledge from previous years, learning problems become deeper. Even when the girl tries hard, she is unable to understand the subsequent topics.

“If what I do does not bring results, then why should I study, and it will not give anything!” - such thoughts swarm in the head of a teenager.

If such a situation occurred in elementary school, as a rule, parents could help understand the material. In high school this will be much more difficult to achieve.

It often happens that parents themselves cannot cope with school material, since such things were not studied during their schooling.

However, as a rule, a high school student himself does not want to study with his mother or father, he thinks that this is a shame.

In this case, if your teenage daughter does not want to study, it is better to think about additional classes with an experienced tutor.

It is important to find not just a good teacher, but also a specialist who understands the topic. He can show the teenage girl a different way of teaching that will be more convincing to her.

What if tutors don’t help?

It’s worth talking to the teacher and finding out how he sees the current situation. Take a look at the requirements that the school sets. Maybe they are too high?

Parents send their child to study at a prestigious school, guided by the desire for him to have the best education. But not everyone has such abilities and can satisfy the requirements of the educational institution.

Of course, you shouldn't change schools hastily, but sometimes it's the only way out. It's worth thinking about.

If a child puts a lot of effort into science, but it does not bring results, then often he simply gives up and stops participating: “If I am a bad student, nothing will come of me, then why should I study?”

Then changing a school to a less demanding one can have a good effect. However, it is worth discussing this issue with the child and teachers.

Try to interest yourself

It happens that due to a lack of understanding of some subjects, a student loses interest in learning other disciplines.

If you see that your daughter is lagging behind in knowledge or does not understand some things, try to interest her yourself. This can be done in several ways.

• Find more information on a complex topic and present it to your daughter in a language she can understand.
• During the explanations, ask questions as if you don’t understand the topic, so the teenage girl will begin to understand and figure out the difficulties herself.
• Praise your child for the smallest successes, especially in those areas that are quite difficult for him.
• Talk to the teacher and try to find solutions together.

My teenage daughter doesn’t want to study, she’s not a nerd!

In every class there are children who study and those who do not study or say they do not. Typically this second group is larger in number, more respected in the class, and more attractive than the first.

And any teenage girl wants to belong to it. Peer recognition is very important to her. The student does not want to be a “black sheep.” You must understand this.

However, it is worth trying to ensure that this group does not become destructive for your daughter. It is necessary to support the child’s interests, find his strengths, and emphasize them. It’s good if a child finds some kind of hobby outside of school, thanks to which he will feel confident and will be able to impress his peers.

Lack of thoughts about the future

Sometimes teenage girls don't want to study and prepare for exams. They believe that they are already adults and can decide everything themselves. Let the schoolgirl feel that you are not deciding for her. You should definitely talk to her, ask how she sees her future.

Don’t repeat to your teenager every day: “If you don’t study, you won’t pass the exams.” It is enough to have one serious conversation on this topic.

During such a conversation, you can force your daughter to try to outline different scenarios for her future. It's worth asking what she'll do if she can't pass the entrance exams.

When your daughter answers that she will go to study on a paid contract basis, ask the question who will pay for it. If the girl thinks that she will earn money herself, let her add what she is thinking about and how she wants to find it.

It is good to provide a child with education, but only if we can see that he is putting a lot of work into doing well in exams. In this case, let him know that he can count on us.

Already in adolescence, it is necessary to actively develop the child’s independence and responsibility, otherwise he will grow up infantile, unable to solve all his problems. The goal of parents is to help and teach, and not to do everything for their student.

However, he must make a final decision and begin to act. Do not provide endless “towing” - this is not beneficial for the development of a teenager’s character. A high school student should know what and why she will need science.

It is necessary to talk with your daughter more often about the fact that she has an independent future, where no one will clean up the consequences of her wrong decisions. Sometimes you have to allow yourself to make a mistake and make a bad decision. We all learn from mistakes.

Incentivize with reward promises

Determine your daughter's capabilities and, based on them, formulate goals that she should achieve. They must be possible to implement.

For one child this will be a B at the end of the year in physics, for another an excellent mark in English. Tell your daughter that if your daughter succeeds, you will make her dream come true, for example, buy new skates.

Never be scared if your teenage daughter doesn’t want to study!

“If you don’t start learning your homework and studying, I will put a password on your computer and forbid you to go to training and meet with your friends...” - how often do our children hear such threats?

In this way, you only provoke rebellion in the teenager, and you make him lose interest in you. If you carry out your threat, then your beautiful girl will become embittered and hate studying even more.

If the threats are not carried out, he will consider that it is not worth adhering to your prohibitions and instructions, because nothing will happen to him for this.

We advised what parents should do if their teenage daughter does not want to study. Be patient, everything will work out!

Nina, good morning! If possible, help or tell me what to do. A 13-year-old child has no desire to attend school. He comes up with various excuses and illnesses just to avoid going to school. I've talked to her many times, but she always gets angry when I ask why she doesn't want to go to school. She refers to the fact that this school is not suitable for her, that she cannot learn English, but now all schools teach English. So I don’t know what to do right so that she starts learning and loves school?

Hello! Thanks for your question. The situation is serious. Your appeal contains little information about the family, the character of the daughter, or the duration of the problem. Based on the information received, I will make several recommendations that can help in your situation.

Your daughter may not like school for many reasons: the complexity of the school curriculum, tense relationships with teachers or peers, fatigue, stress, difficulties in learning the material, some psychosomatic illnesses.

To understand what reason is relevant for your daughter, it is worth having a confidential conversation. You write that when you ask about the reasons for not wanting to attend school, your daughter gets angry. In what form and tone do you ask questions, do you listen to her answers and listen to her wishes? I can assume that the child does not have much trust in you and does not have much desire to share his problems. It is very important to talk to your child in a friendly manner, listening carefully to what she says in order to understand her feelings and pain points. There is a very good communication technique - Active Listening (a description of the technique can be found on the Internet). Its essence is to help the child deal with negative feelings, build trusting contact and help the child find a solution in a difficult situation. During the conversation, you should not try to convince your child that school is good or that her feelings don’t matter much. After the child speaks, you can voice your experiences, concerns and emotions about this. Just don’t slide into reproaches and accusations. The conversation should shed light on the true reasons for the child’s reluctance to go to school. And judging by your description, they are quite serious

Once the true reasons are established (this may require more than one conversation), it is important for you to accept everything that the child shares with you. It is important to make her feel that you understand her, accept her and are ready to look for a way out together.

Then you need to find a solution and a way out of the situation. You can invite the child to independently voice several options for solving this problem that would suit her. Write down all options. Next, offer your options. At this stage, all options are accepted for consideration without criticism. When the list of solutions has been compiled, proceed to discuss them. In the end, you should be left with one option that would suit both you and your daughter as much as possible. And apply this decision in life.

Thus, firstly, you can understand the reasons for your reluctance to attend school: secondly, provide your daughter with support and share her experiences, thirdly, place part of the responsibility for solving the problem on her; fourthly, you will find a solution that suits you and will not cause resistance from your daughter.

To consult a psychologist on issues of education, child development, mental health, etc. click here < >

P.P.S If you have a question for a psychologist, write it to me at admin@site or leave it in the comments under this article. I will post the answer on the website.

Law of the Russian Federation dated July 10, 1992 No. 32661 “On Education” contains the requirement that the charter of an educational institution must necessarily indicate the procedure and grounds for the expulsion of students (Article 13, paragraph 1, subparagraph d). In the same Law in Art. 19 paragraph 7 states what they can be expelled for. Since expulsion is made for a “gross violation of the school’s charter,” the school’s charter must contain a list of actions that constitute these “gross violations.” Usually it is standard:

Failure to attend classes for a certain period of time without good reason (absenteeism);

Insulting participants in the educational process and visitors to the school (indicate in what forms);

Unlawful behavior leading to disruption of the educational process (the so-called disruption of lessons);

Use of physical or mental violence against participants in the educational process;

Consumption and distribution of alcohol, tobacco products, narcotic and psychotropic substances.

This list can be supplemented by each educational institution independently. Moreover, these violations must be committed repeatedly, and the applied educational measures did not produce results. And all this must have an evidence base.

Without compliance with all of the above requirements, the expulsion of a student from a general education institution is unlawful and the guilty officials may be held liable under the law.

As for students in grades 10-11, most often the reason may be systematic failure in subjects. But you wrote that the child completed grade 10, which means he is doing well. In addition, the criteria for such failure must again be defined in the charter. The charter should also provide for measures of responsibility (in addition to expulsion) for such an attitude towards studies.

In addition to the Law on Education, the only norm providing for the mandatory expulsion of students is SanPiN 2.4.3.118603 (clause 2.8.5) and this applies to the expulsion of students from an educational institution of primary vocational education when a pathology is identified that prevents them from continuing to master their chosen specialty.

In short, expulsion or expulsion should be made only by decision of the governing body of the educational institution. In accordance with Article 35 of the Russian Federation “On Education”, this body must be represented by the school director, who, being the highest official of the educational institution, is endowed with all the necessary powers. In addition to the director, persons representing the governing bodies of the school include the so-called self-government bodies, which can be created in the form of a school council, pedagogical council, parent committee, board of trustees, etc. At the same time, the school charter and local acts of the school must specifically include The powers of these bodies to make decisions on the expulsion of students are noted.

select a question topic--------------- Family relationships Children and parents Love Friendship Sex, intimate life Health Appearance and beauty Interpersonal conflicts Internal conflict Crisis states Depression, apathy Fears, phobias, anxieties Stress, trauma Grief and loss Addictions and habits Choosing a profession, career The problem of the meaning of life Personal growth Motivation and success Relationships with a psychologist Another question

asks: Larisa

My daughter (14 years old) refuses to go to school after the holidays. Reason: “I’m not interested in anything”, “You hate me” (i.e. me, mom), “You ruined everything” I, frankly, don’t understand what I ruined and what is my fault. For three days I tried to persuade her, frightened her with the consequences, scolded her - to no avail. This morning I didn’t even wake you up - just a scandal and that’s it! He studies at the Lyceum, good, 4.5. Tell me, please, how should I behave? We live alone with her, there is no one else. Grandfather, grandmothers, her father died (she was 10 years old). Thank you.

Answers and advice from psychologists

Larisa, at this age, “not interested” in school means that your daughter has problems in relationships with peers. And, apparently, she cannot entrust them to you. But it’s possible to trust a psychologist. After all, this is the time of first love, betrayal, true friendship and painful perception of oneself through the eyes of peers. This is difficult for the daughter due to the fact that she early lost the one who shaped her self-esteem as a girl and young woman - her father.



Psychologist-hypnologist

Psychologist - hypnologist. I have been running a private practice since 2007. I base my work on the systemic phenomenological method, neuro-linguistic programming techniques, and hypnosis. I pay attention to the individual characteristics of the person who contacts me, and depending on this, I use one or another psychotherapeutic method. More often I use the integration of methods and techniques in my work. This gives good results to my clients. An individual approach to a person, to the subtle facets of his personality, maximum connection with his feelings and experiences, rejection of any patterns in working with each specific person - this is the fundamental principle of my work. I provide individual consultations in the format of a letter or a personal meeting. Working with a group is a live exchange of love energy, life experience, knowledge, and professionalism. Ask for help. Don’t keep the problem to yourself for a long time, don’t accumulate tension in your body to the point of serious illness. Let go of the heavy stuff. During psychotherapeutic work, interesting discoveries await you, in which you will learn that a lot of things turn out to be completely different from what you thought. You will discover yourself from a new, hitherto unknown side. Get good live energy. You will feel new desires within yourself. Much begins to change in life from the moment the energy resource of the body and psyche is renewed. As a rule, no one leaves without results. You will not spend your money in vain, you will exchange it or buy yourself a new resource fortune with it, which is more expensive than just a good suit. This is liberation from old, callous, outdated problems and stories. In your new appearance of a resource state, you will see how the world begins to change colors, how another life opens up ahead, more pleasant, more interesting, more joyful. And isn’t this the purpose of your visit to me?! Make up your mind, write, come, try to change your life at all costs, if you feel bad, if you have lost, have lost your joy. After all, this is your life, and it continues, and it is worth it for you to take care of it. And I will help you with this.

Online consultations

Chat on the site

By e-mail

Personal meetings

Larisa, it’s clear that now the condition of a teenage girl is more important than her studies. We need to help. Get closer. Gain trust. With the emergence of trust, you will be able to exert a good influence. The child needs love, protection, support. Leave her decision at this point in time in her hands. Shift the responsibility from yourself to her. But without revenge, disagreement, reproach, discontent! And with love.

A loss is a loss. Because of this, children can show a whole range of emotions, from resentment to anger (aggression), up to a loss of interest in those who are successful in school, and in success itself. The girl may begin to refuse her, and believe that she is no longer worthy of success. Why... if someone failed... those who are part of it...

If the mother's heart does not prompt. how to change your behavior, write in a personal message.



Hello, Larisa!

Your daughter's phrases speak about her emotional experiences. Apparently something happened in her life that caused resentment. Perhaps you are a participant in the event, since she throws accusatory phrases at you. Or maybe she simply, through her conclusions, connects you and the event into one chain that you are not even aware of. Judging by her behavior, she may be taking revenge on you in this way.

There is an assumption that the event occurred during the holidays. You yourself write that the refusal to go to school began after them. It is important to remember this period of time, what was happening at that moment in your relationship and, in general, what events happened in her life then. School could also be a reason, because the situation could have happened there before the holidays. Here you need to consider your studies, relationships with teachers, and relationships with classmates.

The main thing now is to find contact with my daughter. It will be easier to establish relationships if you switch your attention from studying to the child, to her condition. Moreover, my daughter is now in her teens, and emotionality, impulsiveness, and most importantly closed off from her parents are characteristic features of the period. Until you establish emotional contact, you will not be able to find out what really happened.

Less criticism, teenagers are already very critical of themselves, less lectures, persuasion, pressure - in practice this did not help you (“persuaded, frightened with consequences, scolded”). There is no point in arousing feelings of guilt in a child. Build communication not from a position on top, “I know better as a parent,” but as equals. Build relationships so that you care. Don't increase the conflict that already exists. If you are offended by her and want to take revenge, this is a sure sign that the child’s goal is revenge.

What words would you use to describe your relationship with your daughter before and now? How often do you quarrel? On what issues? How was your relationship before? What is her area of ​​responsibility in her actions (i.e., where can she make her own decisions)?

At least answer these questions.
Sincerely, child-adult psychologist - Evgenia Lazareva.

I would love your feedback and the opportunity to continue working with you!