Children. How to stay calm and self-controlled

In modern society, much attention is paid to the topic of proper upbringing, and psychologists are studying especially deeply the question of whether it is possible to shout at children. Despite calls for a democratic, respectful attitude towards children, adults shout at children at home, on the playground, and in the store. It’s good if such breakdowns are isolated. But quite often, yelling at children becomes the only “convincing” argument for parents. It doesn’t matter whether the baby really behaved badly, or whether the mother was simply in a bad mood - in any situation, screaming as an educational technique is unacceptable and even dangerous for the mental health of the baby.

How does screaming affect children's future?

Each child will react differently to a raised voice. This is due to the innate characteristics of mental development. Why can't you yell at children? Depending on the child’s sensitivity and the words spoken during a scandal, various negative consequences may appear:

development of infantilism even in the most energetic children;
suppression of emotions, which leads to the formation of fears, interferes with normal communication and the creation of healthy relationships with people;
uncertainty, development, victim complex, accumulation of grievances, unwillingness to analyze one’s actions, to be responsible for one’s life;
development of isolation, autism and other psychological disorders, especially in gifted children;
a change in behavior, manifested either in constant confrontation, or in hypocrisy, attempts to please.

Personality formation occurs in childhood. At this time, the baby needs a calm environment, mother’s protection, love. When a child is yelled at, he becomes vulnerable, loses trust in others, and therefore cannot open up socially, emotionally, and even intellectually. In other words, a person is growing up who is unable to achieve success, become happy in relationships, or realize his natural potential. And the worst thing is that this baby, when he becomes an adult, will also scream at his children.

Raising a child begins with raising parents

How not to yell at a child? Psychologists recommend that moms and dads do serious work on mistakes:

Avoid irritating factors (stress at work, overwork).
Plan your time based on the rhythm of your child’s life. If you take into account in advance that the baby is slow to get ready, walks, and is constantly distracted by surrounding objects, then you will stop being late, and therefore stop being nervous.
As the baby grows, study the psychological and physical characteristics of his age. Then you will react more calmly to the whims of a three-year-old, or the scribbles in a first-grader’s notebook.
Treat your baby with respect, just like you would any other person. You don’t demand complete submission to your will from those around you, do you? So there is no need to scold the child for not following your orders.
If you are at home and ready to explode, imagine that people are looking at you. In society, as a rule, parents show more patience and behave more affectionately with their children.
Describe your emotions to your baby, tell him when you are angry, be angry with him and explain the reasons. This way he realizes his behavior faster than after screaming.
Don't forget what consequences your actions can lead to.

In general, one rule invariably works in raising children - you should always love them, regardless of their behavior, your mood and life circumstances, hug them more often, take them in your arms and say kind words. Read more:

I have been divorced for 4 years, my daughter is 6 years old. After the divorce I had to return to my parents, they helped with my daughter, I worked a lot. Then my dad died. And so the three of us were left - me, my daughter and my mother. Sometimes I could go somewhere, shopping, to see a friend, etc., and my mother didn’t mind sitting with her daughter at this time, she herself suggested that I rest.

Six months ago I started communicating with a man. More precisely, they knew each other before, and a romantic relationship began. And then something began to happen to my mother when she found out. Constant conversations on the topic - why do you need this, take care of the child and not hang around with men (this despite the fact that there were no men after the divorce, and we only meet a couple of times a week, the rest of the time I’m either at work or with my daughter ). And she flatly refuses to stay with the child if I’m not at work. Those. if he understands that I can go on a date right away, I won’t stay with the child, although I’m not busy with anything. And long tedious lectures on the topic of how I’m not ashamed to hang around.

I don’t understand what’s wrong with my mother; she won’t talk. I don't understand her negative reaction. And I don’t understand how to build a personal life then, what to do.
Who can tell me what?

538

Lizard

I'm tired.
My husband has been seriously ill for a long time, more than a year. Since September he has no longer worked, at home, on disability. For the last two months he has been walking only within the apartment. During the last foray into the street back to the 5th floor, I dragged him on myself. It is clear that it is being treated, we are not just waiting for weather by the sea, but it is only getting worse.

The character of the patient under such circumstances rarely improves, to put it mildly. It is clear that everything is on me. In addition to work, household chores, worries about him, many things in which he is no longer an assistant, I am running around fighting with authorities who lose documents, do not transfer data for months, etc., etc. (yes, I defeated them, but how much effort, time and nerves it takes!) You can’t describe everything, only the essential is remembered, and life is in everyday life.

Now he is in his second week in the hospital. Yesterday after work, after an hour in traffic jams, I ran to the hospital - he starts a conversation, according to his habit, then he doesn’t hear, then he pretends, then he grimaces, then he interrupts, then he doesn’t listen to the end. But I don’t have the energy and time for this. She spat, left him the clean things, took the dirty ones and ran home.

I have a teenage daughter at home. I instructed her to do two very small things for my arrival - once again she “forgot.” I couldn’t stand it, I yelled and didn’t lift the restriction on my phone. So she babbled at me and was indignant all evening (the bawl was all like dad).

At eight - you can check the clock - mom always calls. Around the thousandth circle there are the same conversations - like her husband, what can be done with him, where she saw what discounts and what she bought on sale. But yesterday, knowing that I would no longer be capable of this, I called her while leaving the hospital and said: “I’m tired today and out of sorts, don’t call me today, we’ll talk tomorrow.” But, of course, a huge thank you to my parents - when they go grocery shopping on the weekend, they buy a lot for two families and deliver it to me, I just pay.

I went to bed at 10, but couldn’t fall asleep until half past one. Even though I drank valerian. I’ll be relaxing at work (and I’ve also had a new job since September, somehow I don’t want to relax).

And on top of that, I'm starting to catch a cold. I forgot my throat suckers at home. Complete apchhi, damn it.
Ugh. The steam was released. I go to work. And something was completely disgusting to me.

278

Just Marina 69

chatty too.........
How much do we owe our child?
There’s no talk about love and livelihoods, that’s a must!!
But what about attention, time, health, personal life?
I just want to know your opinion...
Recently my 13-year-old daughter told me (3-4 times): “You traded your daughter for a concert!”
It was me who returned after work not at 21.00, but at 23.00, and went to the BG concert...
one-time promotion...
I go to the cinema with her, I come to school in the evening to pick her up, hug her, kiss her, carry on conversations, feed her the animals and take her for walks...
and these are the words, in all seriousness (((

195

Anonymous

Or rather not so
I've become unbearably bored with life
I’m not happy with ANYTHING at all and this condition is almost a year old, and I’m very tired of it
If it weren't for my son, I would have already gone out the window
I kept waiting for this condition to go away, but antidepressants no longer help
My character changed and I became withdrawn.
I have a constant feeling that life is jelly without taste.
I'm just sick
Tomorrow I’m going to another psychiatrist, they don’t help me anymore, but I just don’t know what else to do
I remember how delicious life can be, how even ordinary little things can bring joy - watching a movie, a date, a craft from a child
I want to go back there, to that life, to that me. But I can't find my way back.
I’m writing, I don’t know why, just to talk it out
Sorry for the negativity

191

Juliana

I read a topic about a husband who seems to be good, but the author can’t live with him, and so I decided to talk about the situation that a friend told me a week ago. Sometimes we correspond via messenger, I wrote to her how you are doing. Well, we communicate - I notice that she somehow responds depressively. I ask: is everything okay with you? Well, then she tells me (apparently, she needed to throw out this rudeness).

She and her husband had a fight - she asked to pick up the child from acrobatics - she didn’t have time to get home from work, and in the evening he just up and left to “hang out with friends”, presenting her with a fait accompli. Came in at night drunk. This happens regularly. In the morning she told him everything she thought. They are silent for a couple of days. Then she saw that she had drunk a bottle of wine and went to bed in the evening. She asked: Did you drink wine? - (my husband, as I understand it, began to drink often). And in response...even I was stunned) Hey, you [deleted by moderator], you stupid animal, you..... swearing in general.

She says she couldn’t open her mouth, she was in shock. For about 20 minutes he threw mud at her and there were expressions, I’ll tell you... Mat and trash. The meaning is this: I drank, so what? what difference does it make to you? (besides, the wine is kind of expensive, this was the third one in a week, but he doesn’t have money for groceries) Who are you to reprimand me, be content with who I am, shut your mouth. She moved away from the shock a little and said, let’s go pack your things (they live with her), he kicked her off the bed and the second wave: yes, you’re a vile animal, you’re still going to point me out... I’m not going anywhere.

In general, here's the story. As I understand, she is going to file for divorce, but then there’s the New Year, and how to put it out, and how to communicate with him in general... but I didn’t communicate with her for several days. I don’t know how it ended. Her sister told her like, okay, it happens, this is not the first time he insults you. Outwardly, they are a normal couple, quite. So I was wondering what you would do in her place? I couldn't answer her.

169

We picture a French mother something like this: the child sleeps peacefully in a stroller or “siege-oto” while she drinks coffee on the veranda of her favorite restaurant. However, a fairy-tale carousel, cute plush dudu, graceful maman, who, when necessary, knows how to pronounce a categorical “non” (and they will listen to her!) - everything is so. Lovely children, wonderful upbringing... But French parents have thousands of problems with children who are so similar to ours. The secrets of French education are revealed in her book by the famous psychologist Anne Bakus.

Below we bring to your attention a chapter from the book “All the Secrets of French Education,” which is published by the Eksmo publishing house.

How to stay calm when your child is throwing a tantrum?

“When our daughter throws a tantrum at us, and over a complete trifle, then it’s something with something... It seems as if she is the most unfortunate child in the world, who was mortally offended. And yet, it’s enough to take a small step forward, give her what she asks for, so that a joyful smile will shine on her face again!”

Two-year-old Jean no longer goes to the supermarket with his dad. His screams and frantic hysterics following each refusal to purchase overflowed his parent's patience. How can you not feel helpless and annoyed at the same time when this little devil screams, kicks, climbs into the cart and makes the other shoppers look at you as if you were monsters and not parents? Claude is only about a year and a half old, but his fits of anger are simply unbearable. If he demands an item he likes, he does not accept refusal. Moreover, it could be anything, from a cake in a store to a bunch of mother’s keys. When his parents refuse him, he reacts so horribly to this that they involuntarily wonder whether they are being too strict with him, whether they need to make concessions to him more often.

Children aged one and a half to four years lose their temper very easily. If something goes against what they want right here and now, then this becomes enough reason for hysteria. They want to make their own decisions about what concerns their lives, but at the same time feel small and helpless. Listen to adults? Not even discussed. Well, perhaps in order to please them.

How to behave during a child's tantrum?

A child during an attack of anger loses all control over his emotions. He hears nothing, no arguments can bring him to his senses. Any attempts to calm him down will only make the situation worse.
The first step is to wait until his nervous tension subsides. The best thing give the child the opportunity to throw out this energy, either ignoring his screams or, if possible, isolating him from others (“Go scream to your room. You’ll come back when you calm down”).
Don't make concessions to him. If his tantrums “pay off”, they will happen more and more often.
There is no need to try to shout him down, and under no circumstances should you succumb to anger yourself. This way you can only intimidate him. Do not forget that by your behavior you are setting an example for him.

After the child calms down

When you feel that the child has thrown out most of his anger, then, if he does not protest, you can try to help him calm down. Hug him and hold him tightly and tenderly. Rock it a little. This will help the baby pull himself together.
If you send your child to your room, remind him that he can come back to you again as soon as his temper tantrum subsides.
Never aggravate a conflict situation. It is you who must take the first step towards reconciliation. The child simply needs to feel that the scene he creates will in no way affect your love for him.
If, in a fit of anger, with sudden and uncontrolled movements, a child hurt someone or broke something, then help him fix the situation. He can ask his brother for forgiveness or collect the puzzle pieces scattered on the floor.
Explain to him that he, like any person, has a complete the right to be angry and express your anger, however at the same time You can’t break anything or cause pain to others.

On a cool head

If your child often loses his temper, if he reacts angrily to any refusal or disagreement on your part, then it’s time to think about it. Have you set boundaries for what is permitted? Does the child understand that he is not the boss in the house?
Are you an example for your child of people who know how to control their own emotions, extinguish their anger and remain calm? How a child copes with his own emotions largely depends on the example his parents set for him. As soon as you feel your anger rising, tell him: “I feel myself getting angry about what just happened; I need to be alone - I’ll go stand on the balcony to calm down.”

How to avoid a child's temper tantrum next time?

Try to divert his attention to something interesting as quickly as possible. Anything from “Oh look, there’s a pigeon on the terrace!” will do. to “Hasn’t your cartoon started?”
Before refusing your child, let him know that you perfectly understand his desire: “Yes, you’re right, these candies really look delicious, next time we’ll buy them.”

Teach him to find a compromise

Sometimes one “yes,” but with restrictions, resulting from negotiations with the child, can bring the conflict to naught. With this approach, there are no losers: “Okay, you can take the candy, but only one” or “Okay, you can play, but only for five minutes, no more.”

As for the child, he learns to argue his point of view, and also feels that he can agree with you and be heard by his parents. Even if he didn't get everything he wanted, he achieved something. As for you, you received obedience from the child and nullified the conflict situation. Once agreement has been reached, it is important to adhere to the agreed conditions: five minutes means five minutes, but not fifteen. If you let everything take its course, it turns out that the restrictions you set can be neglected, and your word loses weight.

Be careful: You can’t bargain with your child endlessly. If agreement has not been reached, then the last word should always remain with you.

Every hysteria has a hidden meaning

Anger becomes the result of a sharp surge of negative emotions that completely absorb the baby. An attack of rage occurs suddenly, and it is absolutely independent of whether the parents understand its true cause or not. Young children are very sensitive, and this sensitivity is not always healthy. Anger, in turn, leads to unnecessary nervousness, tension, and shame, ultimately. Or it completely provokes another anger, this time - parental.

An attack of childish anger, no matter how sudden and excessive it may seem, carries a certain meaning:

He expresses discontent: “I want to do something, but I can’t do it”;
He expresses fear of abandonment and related experiences;
He expresses desire to be independent, adults, decide for themselves;
He expresses need for respect And indignation at what may seem unfair to the child.

Has your child already brought home swear words? Boys and girls aged 4-9 years begin to actively swear. How to react correctly and what to do about it?

The other day, my friend’s 9-year-old daughter “brought” several interesting words from the street with a request to explain their meaning. My friend did an excellent job, but after that we spent a couple of hours discussing on Skype what one of the obscenities meant - each of us put a different meaning into this word. And then I remembered an incident 15 years ago: I accidentally discovered a piece of paper on which 50 obscenities were written in the diligent handwriting of my 9-year-old niece. Moreover, I saw most of them for the first time. A little delicate investigation showed that 50 swear words were needed... to summon the gnome. Considering that the gnome never came, the method is not working, don’t waste your time.

But how to talk to children about swearing and swearing?

After all, boys and girls aged 4-9 years often begin to actively swear and swear. On the one hand, it’s interesting, on the other, it’s a way to fit into a group of peers, and on the third, it’s a way to attract attention or cope with strong emotions. And here, as in matters with sex, the most important thing is how the parents react.

1. Calm, only calm!

Your son or daughter may not fully understand the meaning of swearing. So be calm and explain that the word the child used is not a good one. It can hurt other people's feelings. It is important to say this to prevent the use of swear words in the future.

2. Discuss the meaning of the word

You can ask your child: what do you think this word means?

Why are you using it in this situation? And then explain clearly why you should avoid swearing. For example: "This word refers to certain private parts of the body. We do not use it in our family." Or, “This word is disrespectful to certain groups of people.”

3. Create rules for swearing.

The rules for ignoring obscenities and swearing must be followed by both adults and children. Then you can appeal: "Remember, this is a word we don't use in our house." Yes, you will also have to restrain yourself and instead of a short but meaningful curse, say: “I feel very upset/upset, angry/angry.” This way you teach children different ways to express their feelings. If the child does hear swearing from your lips, explain why you cursed.

4. Praise children for avoiding swear words.

Praise your child when you see that he is restraining himself in a fit of anger or rage. Or when one of the children calls you bad names, and your son or daughter walks away from the situation without responding in kind.

5. “Why can they, but I can’t?”

Even if your family does not use swearing, children may hear it on the street. And you need to be prepared to answer the question of why someone is saying bad things. You can say that people in different families have different rules.published

Yulia Yarmolenko

If you have any questions, ask them

Parental fatigue, views on upbringing, and sometimes the child’s behavior lead to the fact that mom or dad often get irritated with the child, scream, and get angry. Of course, parents do not stop loving, but in fact children hear negative words addressed to them more often. Meanwhile, an atmosphere of calm and love is vital for a child to develop and grow up. Only by feeling parental acceptance and love can a child stand firmly on his feet and boldly walk through life. To create the necessary atmosphere for raising a child, parents often have to work on themselves first. It's hard work, but the rewards will exceed all expectations. If you are already on this path, the tips below will be very helpful.

Do not shift responsibility for your reactions and behavior onto your child. Sometimes, out of powerlessness, parents themselves take a childish position, shifting responsibility for their own actions onto the child: “Well, what should I do with you: spank you or put you in a corner?”, “Do you want me to scold you more?” A child cannot decide how his parents should raise him, punish him or act in a given situation. This is the task of adults.
Take responsibility for your actions. It is not the child who is angry and irritated, but you who are angry and irritated when he does something. Accepting responsibility for your reactions makes it possible to manage them, because it is impossible to change what you are not responsible for.
Analyze your behavior. In the process, you will be able to see the mechanism that triggers your reactions to the child’s actions and understand what actually throws you off balance.
Don't push yourself to the point of overwork. The resource of parental strength needs constant replenishment, so do not push yourself and your needs into the background. Sleep, proper nutrition, physical activity, hobbies and hobbies give positive emotions and fill you with strength for a calm upbringing.
Give up haste and rigid planning of life. Very often we get angry with children because they are too slow or disrupt our plans with their behavior. If you don't rush anywhere and let events just happen in your life, your problems will become much smaller.
Formulate your requirements correctly. It is very difficult for children to perceive the demands of adults, because they are formulated in “adult” language. Often adults formulate their demands in a “negative” way: “don’t meddle,” “don’t touch,” “don’t come near.” The child needs not so much prohibiting signals as specific instructions: “Take your hand away from the dog and come to mom.”
Learn to leave your problems outside the children's room. Children are great at reading the emotional state of adults. If you are “excited” and immersed in thoughts about problems at work, financial difficulties, conflicts with relatives, the child will definitely be “infected” by your nervousness and will behave accordingly. From birth, the rule has been unshakable: “A calm mother means a calm child.”
Do not demand from your child what you cannot do yourself. Agree, it is absurd to shout in rage at a crying child: “Calm down immediately!” If you yourself cannot cope with your emotions, a child, looking at you, will never learn to cope with his own.
By raising a child in love and tranquility, you do good not only for him, but also for yourself, “growing” a wise, calm, loving parent within yourself.
If you feel like your child is provoking you, stop and think: what does this little defenseless person really want right now? In most cases, behind provocative behavior is a desperate desire for attention and intimacy.
Control what and how you say to your children. Children need to express criticism correctly: firstly, these should be “I-statements”; secondly, it is not the child himself who needs to be criticized, but his specific actions. For example, instead of “You make me angry”, it is better to say “I get angry when you...”.
Be open to new experiences and knowledge. Not only do children learn from their parents, but parents can learn a lot from their children.
The best parental position is the position of authoritative care. This position requires strength, self-confidence and personal maturity. But it is from this position that education can occur without shouting and irritation. A child happens simply because you are an adult whom he trusts and whose authority he recognizes.
Do not hesitate to seek support from more experienced parents whose example is indicative for you, from specialists and books. Sometimes through books and conversations you can see your mistakes and draw conclusions.
Don't expect instant results from yourself. Working on yourself and developing new habits takes time. Celebrate every step towards your goal, praise yourself for the slightest success. If today you were angry and irritated with your child less than yesterday, that’s already good.
Don’t look for special reasons to tell your child about your love and be sure to maintain physical contact through hugs, touches, and kisses.
Believe in your child and his good intentions. It is inherent in nature that children always strive to be good for their parents, to please them, it’s just that a child is not always able to assess what is really appropriate and good, and what is not so good. Your task is to teach him this.
Shift the focus of your actions from “training” to your relationship with your child. Education is, first of all, reliable and close relationships, and not a system of prohibitions and punishments. If there are no problems in your relationship with your child, it is easy to raise him in love and peace, because he himself strives to be like you and obey.
Do not confuse love for a child with permissiveness. A child simply needs to know the boundaries of what is permitted; for him, these are points of support in the world around him and the basis of his life principles and guidelines.
When prohibiting something and limiting a child, do it from a position of authoritative care. If there are any rules, then in principle they must always be observed. Moreover, every time you need to explain to the child why you forbid him something: “I don’t want you to get sick,” “I want you to have healthy eyes.”
Allow your child to show any emotions and be in any mood, be sad, be capricious, cry. Accepting any behavior of a child, not just exemplary behavior, is the best confirmation of your love.
Let go of all expectations about your child and don't compare him to other children. A child deserves love simply because he exists, and not for his successes and achievements.
Always be on the child’s side, especially when someone else criticizes the child or lectures him. The situation when a mother or father, out of a desire to “please” a stranger, unites with him “against” the child and begins to shame or lecture him is very traumatic. The child perceives this as a betrayal, which greatly undermines trust in the relationship.
Don't be afraid to praise your child. For a long time in our culture it was believed that it is impossible to praise a child - it can be spoiled by it. In fact, words of praise for a child are a powerful motivation to become better and please their parents. Otherwise, what is the point of being good if no one notices his small victories? You can also encourage the desired behavior with praise, but then you need to praise correctly. Not an automatic “well done”, but explaining in detail to the child that you liked how he did something or behaved in some situation. How did I get rid of stretch marks after childbirth? I will be very glad if my method helps you too...
Raising a child is a very difficult process. A child is raised not only by his parents, but also by the very environment that prevails in the house, other family members, kindergarten, and school. But it is parents who are the main people in a child’s life. Parental love makes him strong, resilient, able to achieve success and cope with any difficulties. Work on yourself, change unsuccessful parenting models to more effective ones, gain parental wisdom and raise your child in peace and love!