What to do to get your good friend back. What should I do if my friend abandoned me? Don't be selfish
Dr. Adam Dorsey is a licensed psychologist in private practice in San Jose, California. She specializes in working with successful adult clients, helping them resolve relationship problems, manage stress and anxiety, and create happier lives. In 2016, he gave a TEDx speech on men and emotions, which became very popular. He is one of the creators of Project Reciprocity, an international program at Facebook. Currently consults for Digital Ocean, assisting its security team. Received a degree in clinical psychology in 2008.
Number of sources used in this article: . You will find a list of them at the bottom of the page.
Losing a friend is one of the worst experiences a person can experience, so your desire to maintain your friendship is understandable. Luckily, you can connect with a friend and show you care to revive a fading relationship. If an argument occurs, apologize for your role in the disagreement and discuss the problem. Find compromises and spend time together to develop friendship.
Steps
How to revive a fading relationship
- you don't find time for each other;
- one or both friends are going through a difficult time;
- you have little in common;
- you don't listen to each other;
- you criticize each other.
- For example, share funny memes with a friend in the morning.
- Don't be afraid to take the initiative, but don't write more than two messages until you get a response, otherwise your friend may feel like you're bombarding him with messages.
- If you haven't talked in a while, ask your friend about life. You can write: “Hello! This is Alice, you and I were at the camp together. How are you doing?"
-
Tell your friend how much you value the relationship. It will be easier for you to improve your relationship if you share the same view of the situation. It is likely that your friend is not aware of your attempts to mend the relationship. Find a time to talk alone and say that you hope to improve the relationship.
- You can say: “We rarely see each other lately, but I really miss you. I hope we can be close friends again."
-
Be interested in your friend's life in personal meetings and in messages. Your friend will feel more connected to you if you show interest in her life. What could be simpler than asking about business and the latest events in life? Listen carefully to the answer.
- Ask in a meeting or in a message: “How are you doing with your studies?” - or: “What's new at work?”
- Ask clarifying questions like: “And what did he answer to that?”, “What are you going to do in this situation?” - or: “Do you like it?”
- Don't interrupt your friend when she talks about herself.
-
Give a small personal gift to show your affection. You don't need to spend a lot of money. Choose a small but meaningful gift. Gift examples:
- bake your friend's favorite cookies;
- give a framed photo of you together;
- suggest a book you liked to a friend;
- make a bracelet for a friend;
- buy your friend a box of her favorite chocolates;
- Give your friend a souvenir.
-
Spend time together regularly. We often forget to make joint plans even with those who are dear to us. Choose a time and day for regular meetings so you don't forget about it! You can turn meetings into a familiar event and strengthen friendships.
- For example, you could have a movie night on the first Saturday of every month or meet on Wednesdays at a pizzeria.
Options: if you are in different cities, use modern technologies. Have video chats on Saturdays, play online games together, or discuss TV series in messages while watching.
How to make peace after a quarrel
-
Give yourself time to calm down. Don't try to meet or talk immediately after an argument. Everyone will be upset, so the situation may get worse. Use this time to sort out your feelings and not stop your friend from doing the same. When you pull yourself together, try texting or calling.
- If your friend says he needs more time, don't try to rush him. Everyone needs a different amount of time to understand the situation.
- Don't worry if your friend doesn't want to make up right away. This does not mean that the friendship is over! Try to spend your free time with other loved ones.
-
Apologize for his role in the quarrel. Asking for forgiveness can be difficult, especially when you feel like you did nothing wrong. However, if you want to improve your relationship, it is important to admit your mistakes. Tell them that you are not perfect and that you are ready to improve. If you know what your mistake was, be specific.
- You can say: “I really regret my words yesterday. I didn’t mean to offend you at all, but that’s exactly what happened. In the future, I will try to evaluate the situation from different angles.”
- You can also say: “I apologize for my role in our quarrel. I should have behaved differently."
-
Discuss events in first person. This will make it easier for you to focus on your feelings and actions so that your friend doesn't have to defend himself. This will help you explain what happened without making accusations. Express your thoughts in the first person.
- For example, say: “It seemed to me that you were not listening to me,” instead of: “You are not listening to me.” It is also better to say: “Sometimes I would like to choose the entertainment for the evening,” instead of: “You always decide everything without me.”
-
Learn listen friend's opinion about the situation. You perceive the situation from different angles, so your opinion about what happened may not coincide. In this case, none of you are one hundred percent right or wrong! Find out your friend's opinion about your quarrel to see the situation through her eyes.
- Ask: “What do you think about our quarrel yesterday?”
-
Sorry friend for his actions. Forgiving is not easy, but it is the only way to move forward. This is the only way to improve relationships. Think about the pain caused to you, and then say that you forgive your friend. Try not to remember the quarrel in the future.
- You can say, “I was hurt by your words, but I know you didn’t mean to make me cry. I forgive you".
Advice: You need to forgive for yourself, not for another person. If you don't forgive your friend, you will have to carry the weight of your anger. Free yourself from unnecessary burdens.
-
Remind your friend of the good old days of your friendship. Now you are probably offended at each other. In this case, it is useful to remember pleasant moments from the past. Tell your friend about your fondest memory from your friendship and ask her to do the same.
- Say, “I love remembering the day we gave each other matching T-shirts. At that moment I realized that we were destined to become best friends."
-
- Say: “In the future, I would like us to do without body criticism,” “In the future, I would like to choose our entertainment options half the time.”
How to develop friendship
-
Take the first step to improve your relationship. Taking the initiative into your own hands is scary, but in some cases it is the only way to improve the situation. Don't let fear stop you. Write a message, smile, or be the first to ask, “Hey, how are you doing?” Soon your relationship will begin to improve.
- No need to complicate things. Write a simple message like: “Hi! :)".
-
Behave as you did when you first met. Surely you want to return to your old friendship, but now this is impossible. There is no need to pretend that everything is the same. Take your chance to start over. Try to get to know your friend again - spend time together and communicate a lot on different topics.
- Invite your friend to meet in a cafe or bake a pie together. Chat during the meeting.
-
Try new things together. New and interesting activities will help you develop friendships. Choose entertainment options that you have always wanted to try or that have scared you in the past.
- For example, you can jump with a parachute, run five kilometers, sign up for a pottery class, or go to the premiere of a play.
- Invite a friend to share their ideas.
Consider whether it is worth trying to save the friendship. Relationship problems usually don't arise without a reason. Consider the reasons for the disagreement and the likelihood of finding a solution. Then decide whether it is worth trying. Possible reasons for the fading friendship:
Dr. Adam Dorsey is a licensed psychologist in private practice in San Jose, California. She specializes in working with successful adult clients, helping them resolve relationship problems, manage stress and anxiety, and create happier lives. In 2016, he gave a TEDx speech on men and emotions, which became very popular. He is one of the creators of Project Reciprocity, an international program at Facebook. Currently consults for Digital Ocean, assisting its security team. Received a degree in clinical psychology in 2008.
Licensed Psychologist and TEDx Speaker
Our expert shares this opinion: You should think about the benefits of such a relationship. Is it mutual or one-sided friendship? Is she just hurting both of you? Time spent on fading, aimless friendships can be lost forever.
Check in with a friend daily to stay connected. If you used to communicate a lot, then try to return to this habit. Talk in meetings, write emails and messages. Regular communication helps maintain friendship even if both friends are very busy.
You walked through life holding hands tightly. You divided any adversity in half, and multiplied your joy. But suddenly a black cat ran between you. You miss your meetings, long phone conversations, cozy evenings together and fun walks. How to get your boyfriend or girlfriend back? How to restore a strong friendship?
How to get your best friend back
Think about what could have caused your breakup. Remember how you treated your friend. Perhaps you only wanted feedback from him: for him to act exclusively as a vest, listen and console you, forgetting about his own problems.
Maybe you didn’t notice or didn’t want to notice that something happened to a friend, didn’t help him, didn’t support him in difficult times.
If you find the reason in yourself, try to change your attitude towards your friend. Demand less attention to yourself, spend more time on his problems. Offer a helping hand in resolving them. Charge your friend with confidence and good mood. Make it clear that together you will succeed.
Have an evening of revelations. In a calm atmosphere, talk with your friend, discuss the problems that you have in your relationship. Don't yell at your friend, don't blame him for everything.
To get your friend back, think and reason soberly. This is the only way you will be able to make the right decision and find out the true reason for the breakup. It may turn out that the disagreement is very minor, that it is worth forgiving each other and continuing your friendship.
Don’t let anyone in on your situation with your friend. These are your problems, and only you can solve them. Moreover, besides you two, no one can understand this matter better. The referee is good at football, not between two people.
Show a sense of tact and respect for your friend's experiences. Don't rush things. Give your friend time to think things through. Ask him how to get your best friend back. He will understand that his opinion is important to you and will tell you how to earn his trust.
Show your friend how much you care about him. Write him a letter in which you tell him about your feelings and experiences.
Give him a day of memories, go to the places where you have been before together, watch a movie whose heroes you once imagined yourself to be, play computer games together that you played in your childhood. To win your friend back, remind him that you love him very much and value your friendship.
Losing and regaining your best friend will make you appreciate your relationship more. You learn from mistakes, and your friendship has passed the test of separation, which means it has become even stronger and more reliable!
How to get your best friend back
The most important thing is to understand what started your quarrel or your distance from each other. In any case, there are usually two people to blame. Understand what exactly happened in your relationship and fix it.
If this is due to adolescence, or rather due to mood swings, rudeness or anger, then try to change yourself for the better or tell your best friend about it. This way, you will not only be able to get your girlfriend back. but also to help ourselves.
Each person should have their own personal space. Sometimes this is not understood by many people who do not know how to get their best friend back. Your girlfriend is not your property.
There is no need to cross the appropriate boundaries. After all, everyone wants to spend time surrounded by a variety of people. Do not think that if a friend spends his free time not only with you, this means that he does not value you or does not like you. And sometimes it’s also necessary to take a break from each other.
Conversation is what will bring great benefits during a quarrel. Just don’t get excited, try to restrain your emotions if your friend’s behavior somehow offended you. Tell her that you really miss her, you miss that person who will always listen and give good advice. In general, show your tenderness towards your friend.
Do something nice for your best friend. Remember what your best friend likes, what she likes, what she has long wanted to buy. You can also call to a place that reminds you of your friendship and brings back common memories.
Spit on your pride! In most cases, friends quarrel and do not talk afterwards only because these two are proud people. Understand that friendship with your best friend is more important than your pride and self-esteem. You can never just throw your best friend out of your life.
How to regain your friend's trust
It is very difficult for all of us to regain trust after betrayal. Is it even possible to regain betrayed trust? We'll talk about this below.
It should be noted that trust between close people is a very delicate matter. And the balance in relationships is disturbed mainly due to thoughtless words or actions, which results in some kind of crack. And in order to return the previous warmth, you will need to make some efforts, preferably on both sides.
Very often we begin to wonder how to get a friend or girlfriend back after a disaster has occurred. Perhaps your friend, having lost trust in you, is experiencing anger, resentment, fear and sadness.
Basically, this negativity manifests itself after she convicts you of betrayal or something so unpleasant. Such situations are very unpleasant and are difficult for both parties, even if you sincerely repent and decide to make amends.
And in order to win back your friend and her trust, you will need to go through several stages, and some of these stages are difficult to overcome without the help of your friend.
First of all, you need to think carefully about what happened that your friend took this incident as a betrayal. Perhaps you justified yourself by saying that you did it completely by accident.
Very often we act one way or another because we envy the person, we want to hurt him, and if you betrayed your friend precisely because of such feelings, then you should not return your friendship.
To get your boyfriend or girlfriend back, you should apologize to them and not contact them again. After all, it is difficult to be friends with such feelings as envy or the desire to cause trouble.
Well, if it was a misunderstanding, and you repent of what you did, then you can regain your friend’s trust only by talking honestly with her. We advise you to tell your friend truthfully about what made you act this way or that way.
Sometimes, our close friends are offended and simply ignore us, and this is natural, because they are angry with us. In such cases, it is better to write a letter and send it by mail or email.
In your letter, tell your friend that you regret what you did, do not justify yourself in any way, you cannot blame circumstances, bad mood or other reasons for what you did. Be sure to promise your friend that you will not repeat such mistakes and sincerely ask her to forgive you. Perhaps, having understood you, she will forgive and accept you.
A true friend or girlfriend is very valuable in life, because it is not so easy to find such friends, but what to do if you had a fight, how to return your friendship with a friend or girlfriend?
THINK
Before you return your friendship or take the first steps towards this, analyze the entire current situation down to the smallest detail. At the same time, try to first think from your side, and then think from your friend’s side, what would you do in her/his place? When you have thought through everything that happened and you still have a desire to return the friendship, proceed to the first step. We recommend that you read
APOLOGIZE
Perhaps, after analyzing your situation, due to which you lost your friendship with your best friend or girlfriend, you realized that it was you who was to blame, which means that the first thing you need to do is apologize to your friend or girlfriend. You need to be able to apologize beautifully, you shouldn’t throw yourself at your feet, get on your knees and shout what a bad person you are. Respect yourself, do not fall morally in the face of your boyfriend or girlfriend. Just say that you were wrong at that moment and are very sorry for what happened. There is no need to make deep and eternal promises; no one will believe them, just give time to the friend whose friendship you want to return to think for a while. Resentment and bitterness will go away and friendship will return.
TALK
Regardless of whether you are guilty or not, in order to restore friendship you need to talk with your friend and girlfriend and discuss the current situation, come to a mutual understanding of the current situation.
ATTENTIVENESS
During a conversation, you don’t need to talk all the time; try to listen to your friend or girlfriend, and do it carefully, listening to every phrase said. Perhaps what the friend or girlfriend with whom you want to return friendship says will not be what you like and may be disgusting, but you must listen to the end in order to draw the right conclusions. We recommend that you read
If your friendship was broken due to some negative qualities of your friend or girlfriend but, despite this, you want to return and continue to maintain the friendship, then you will have to accept the person’s qualities “As is”. After all, each of us has our own cockroach and either those around us accept it or not, it is no longer possible to eradicate this cockroach.
LOOK FOR COMPROMISE If a person’s cockroaches are so disgusting to you, but you are ready to do anything to regain friendship, remember that sooner or later these cockroaches will bother you again. To prevent this from happening, it is necessary to look for a mutually beneficial compromise in your relationship. We recommend that you read
A FEW ADVICE ON HOW TO GET FRIENDSHIP BACK
Don't be afraid to be the first to start a conversation with the person you want to reconnect with.
During a conversation, try not to be distracted by other things or conversations, for example on a mobile phone.
Try to show the person that you are truly a loyal and good friend. To do this, do something good and useful for your friend or girlfriend.
Having restored friendly relations, always remember your mistakes that led to the loss of friendship, so as not to make them again.
If your quarrel was very strong, do not rush to restore your relationship the next day, let the person think and recover from bitterness and resentment. Sometimes this takes a week and sometimes whole months. Don't rush things, everything will fall in its own way.
COMMENTS FROM OUR READERS
Alex: I'll tell you my story of how my friend returned his friendship with me. We have known him for more than five years, but with each year of communication and growing up, I began to understand and notice a note of selfishness in him, and at the very end, when we had a fight, I realized one thing cannot be corrected: he was an egoist, and will remain so . Moreover, his egoism grew stronger and stronger over the years. At one point, I realized that there was no point in having any further relationship with this person and told him that his selfish behavior was annoying me and that there was no point in having such a relationship. Of course, he was offended and we didn’t talk on the phone at all for about a month. A month later, he took the first step and called, but I didn’t answer, then a week later he wrote by email with interesting and funny news, then I realized that he wanted to return our friendship. My soul was seething with accumulated grievances, and I didn’t answer, I didn’t care. A week later he called again and I didn’t pick up again, this continued for another month. As time passed, the grievances began to subside, and I called my friend myself. We talked, of course, I told him everything, why I behaved this way, he listened and took it personally. A week later you met and had a good time at the bar. But what do you think? After a while, his selfishness began to repeat itself again and again, and then I concluded for myself that this person cannot be changed and everything will be as it is, and therefore I did not interrupt our friendship, but I no longer show any special zeal to communicate with him . We recommend that you readIrina: Our friendship with my friend fell apart, and I couldn’t get it back. The reason was banal, no, we didn’t quarrel or fight. It’s just that she got married and I got married, over time our lives began to become covered with family worries and we no longer cared about each other. Of course, we communicated, but the more time passed, the less and less our communication became, and eventually our communication stopped completely. Now I don’t even know her phone number or where she lives. Why did this happen, and was it possible in this situation to restore and return our friendship? Most likely not, because friendship is valuable only when we need each other for something, in our case we were needed for communication, but a family appeared, communication appeared and we slowly lost our friendship.
Olga. After university, I went to work in another city, and then returned to the capital with my husband. I wanted to establish old connections; our group was very friendly. But it turned out that no one was communicating anymore, some had gone abroad, some were just minding their own business, so nothing worked out for me. The only thing is that I managed to find a couple of girlfriends and become friends with families - there is simply no time to go to meetings only with girls, but family gatherings are quite possible.
Anna. My friend and I quarreled over a guy, and he was having fun - either courting her or courting me. I thought that we would race to jump into his bed. But we have been friends for many years, so we were able to come to an agreement and became even more friends in order to teach the insolent a lesson. They didn’t try to be clever - they poured a laxative into the drink during a big break at the university - the poor fellow flew out of the classroom like a cork, probably managed to run, but to the women’s toilet, since we slightly unscrewed the lock of the men’s toilet with a screwdriver and slammed the door. Serves him right, otherwise he imagines himself to be Casanova.
