I don’t trust my husband after cheating. Is a normal family life possible after my husband’s betrayal? How to trust your husband after his infidelity and betrayal - advice from a psychologist

Hello. Christina, help me please. give some free advice on how you can stop being jealous of your husband (unfortunately, there is no money to buy your paid course). The fact is that my husband cheated on me, but now he swears that he loves only me and doesn’t want to be anyone else. I REALLY WANT TO TRUST HIM, BUT I AM CONSTANTLY JEALOUS about him going somewhere, talking to someone, it seems to me like he’s talking to her, going to see her, etc. Maybe there are some exercises, some words to start believing him? What should I do? I really want to save our family. I’m 27 years old, he is too, and we have a 4-month-old son.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Hello Lena

A very difficult question. Before answering this, I want to say that cheating on a loved one is one of the most painful experiences. And this is the wound from which the scar remains for life. Unfortunately it is so.

This doesn't mean it's impossible to build relationships. This means that your relationship with your husband will never be the same.

And recognizing and accepting this fact is the first step towards healing a relationship after cheating.

Imagine that a person, for example, has a fairly complex leg fracture. The doctors provided him with the necessary assistance, applied a plaster cast, and then carried out all the necessary recovery procedures.

And of course the leg grew together. And the person can walk. And even play sports.

But. The fracture site still makes itself felt. Aching pain when the weather changes. Sudden acute pain during heavy exertion, etc.

In addition, for a long time after the fracture, the leg must be taken care of and a certain regime must be followed.

Our soul is restored in the same way after serious wounds have been inflicted on it.

For a wound to heal, it requires care, attention, and of course time.

And even after that, the scar remains.

And the only thing we can do is to know our scars and, if possible, protect these places from re-traumatization.

What does this look like in practice?

First. You need to “turn your face” to your pain from your husband’s betrayal. DO NOT run away from her. Don't run away from your feelings caused by betrayal. And these are very difficult feelings: anger, rage, resentment, accusation, jealousy, etc.

What does it mean to “turn your face”?

This does not mean experiencing these feelings all the time. This means recognizing them. Yes, they are. And they are natural in this situation.

A good exercise for acknowledging feelings is keeping a diary of your feelings. Every day 15-20 min. write about your feelings.

That is, it is necessary allowing yourself to experience these feelings.

Second. Talk to your husband about your feelings and experiences. And besides this, tell him what he can do or say to make you feel better.

He is guilty before you (despite all the psychological correctness of the statements that betrayal is always an unconscious agreement of both partners).

And he also feels guilty.

Therefore, if you tell your husband how specifically he can redeem her, you will thereby help both him and yourself.

But in order to tell this to your husband, you must first determine within yourself how your husband can “make amends” for his guilt. What words should you say? What actions to take? Most likely it is many, many words and actions. That is, by analogy with a broken leg, you need to establish such a recovery regime for yourself after an injury. During which you receive much more attention and care from yourself and others than in ordinary life.

And one last point.

I already wrote above that Cheating always happens as a result of the interaction of BOTH partners.

Of course, these are unconscious processes. No one in their right mind wants the person they love to cheat. But our unconscious has its own logic and its own desires. AND sometimes betrayal is the only defense against something more terrible (according to the logic of our unconscious).

And this “something more terrible” is often real intimacy with the Other.

Intimacy that forces us to drop all our defenses and remain completely vulnerable in the face of the Other person.

And this is often very scary (again, on an unconscious level).

And then it is necessary to somehow avoid this proximity. And betrayal may be just one of these ways.

These processes are even more activated at the birth of a child. When a couple has a child (especially their first), both parents experience a reactivation of their own childhood traumas. And this is a very difficult period for spouses.

Cheating, cooling in relationships, etc. very often happen here.

Often a man experiences his wife’s “switching” to a child as betrayal on her part. And in retaliation, he also cheats. But with a real woman.

Therefore, in order to restore the relationship, you need to talk a lot, a lot with your husband. Ask about his experiences, about his internal states. About his desires.

Try to look at your husband as a separate Other World. Which is completely different from yours.

And inside this world there live a lot of experiences, fears, hopes, desires. Which you cannot find out about except by asking your husband directly. And hear his answer.

For more information on how to cope with jealousy and stop being jealous, watch the video course

Male infidelity is a common phenomenon, due to which a huge number of married couples break up. Often women do not find the strength to forgive their repentant husband. However, there are cases when the wife, after lengthy apologies and promises that “this won’t happen again,” is ready to close her eyes to what happened, trust her husband again and continue to live a “normal life” with him. But in such a situation, how can you start trusting your husband again after cheating?

Before you try to recreate family happiness with your husband again, you need to honestly answer the question: can you sincerely forgive a person and live with him as before, without blaming, without reproaching, without expecting another betrayal? If the answer is anything other than a confident “yes, of course,” then it’s not worth wasting your time and your husband’s time. It is not easy to truly forgive betrayal, but it is necessary to recreate a strong family.

Forgiveness, although difficult, is only the first step. What follows is the return of trust - hard internal work on oneself. Here are some tips from a psychologist on how to forget your husband’s betrayal and trust him again:

1. There is no need to force yourself to forgive. After cheating, you should calm down and recover. How can you forget your husband's betrayal? There is no need to remain silent and sob quietly into your pillow. This behavior can lead to psychological trauma, but do you need it? Pay attention to yourself, your loved ones (communication has never harmed anyone), in general - let go of the problem, at least for a while. When the fear and anger go away, you can think about what to do next with your husband.
2. Give yourself a psychological attitude towards trust. If you have managed to forgive a man, an equally difficult question arises: how to trust your husband again after his betrayal? After all, if you deceived once, you can deceive again. In this case, you should give yourself a psychological attitude to believe. Even if it seems that now you are deceiving yourself, say mentally: “I trust him again, I am not afraid of being deceived again.” Thoughts are material, right? This, of course, will not directly solve the problem, but it will help speed up the process.
3. Work on what led to the betrayal. To change something, you need to start with yourself. Even if it seems to you that it is not your fault for treason, think about it and take a closer look at yourself. Think about what prompted your husband to cheat and correct it. Are you often away from home? Decide whether you want to realize yourself at work or find true family happiness? Give the man what he was missing. Then he will simply have no need to waste material, emotional and physical resources on another woman. You will be protected from repeated betrayal.
   

   Important! No need to blame yourself for cheating on your husband! You might not be perfect, but no one deserves to be betrayed. His act is disgusting, and you are the victim here. We are only saying that you should take a closer look at yourself, but in no case should you reproach or reproach yourself.

4. Eliminate any omissions. Agree with your husband that you now have the right to view his SMS messages on his mobile phone, answer calls or look at his diary, where all his meetings are recorded. He should not be surprised by this condition, because your shaken trust is expected. Over time, when you find nothing in your phone except messages from your mother, and only work meetings are recorded in your diary,your mistrust will disappear, and the question “How to trust your husband again after his betrayal” will no longer bother you.
   

   Important! Remember that everyone needs personal space. Don't become a real spy. Otherwise, the husband, who decided to change, will sooner or later not withstand the onslaught. Indicate that the checks will only be for a short time, only until you feel calmer. Over time, the desire to spy will really disappear due to uselessness.

5. Communicate with your husband. Communication implies trust. Share your emotions, feelings and experiences with your man. Post everything that is on your heart. And demand the same in return. If you know not only what a man does, but also what he thinks about, it will be easier for you to start trusting him again, because he will be like an open book to you.
6. Carefully observe your husband's behavior. In the process of regaining trust, a lot depends on it. He must want his wife to trust him again and take certain actions. Firstly, he must be patient with all your whims, hysterics, and insults, which, by the way, you have the right to. Secondly, it must be open. Your husband can easily provide you with all the passwords and bill receipts because he understands that you are going through a very difficult internal struggle. And thirdly, he will show you signs of attention, give you gifts, and shower you with compliments. So he will try to make amends and give you joyful emotions.

Important!If a man does not do any of the above, it means that he himself is not very eager to be forgiven and does not fully admit guilt. We need to think about whether it was worth forgiving him at all then.

If you can’t regain trust when your husband cheats on you on your own, the advice of a professional psychologist will help. Family life is not an easy thing, and the help of a specialist can be very helpful, especially in such a difficult situation. Contact a psychologist, if possible, attend a session with your husband. Advice from a competent specialist will not hurt you.

How to behave if your husband cheated: psychological aspects

Having discovered their husband's betrayal, women often do not know how to behave. Some perceive the situation aggressively and throw the offender’s things from the balcony, while others silently sob into their pillow. How should you behave if your husband cheated?

1. Don't believe gossips. You can often find out that your husband has cheated on you from friends or colleagues. You cannot take their words at face value - there are too many envious people and gossipers in the world. Someone may sincerely want to destroy your happy marriage, someone may be in love with your man - but you never know the reasons. Until you receive reliable facts, do not rush to accuse your husband of betrayal. The accusation may be a lie, but you will provoke a conflict within the family, and the gossiper will get what he wanted.
2. Don't be silent. If you nevertheless confirmed your husband’s infidelity with facts, do not remain silent. Often wives, having learned about the betrayal, hush it up in fear that their loved one will leave. There is no need to do this. According to statistics, if after six months a man does not leave the family for his mistress, less than 10% of cheaters decide to do so after this period. The “strong” sex is afraid of change. Therefore, it makes no sense to remain silent; it would be better to show that you know everything, just do it competently.
3. Discuss the problem calmly. It’s definitely not worth making scandals and hysterics for your husband. This will only convince him that he cheated simply because he wants to be happy. After all, his mistress is a calm, balanced woman. When you have discovered your husband's affair, talk to him calmly. Just say that you know everything (it is advisable to present the facts so that he does not argue with you) and that now you must decide how to proceed.
4. Don't be like an unfaithful husband. Betrayal for treason is simply an outburst of emotions that entails even more problems. Firstly, such betrayal is only a desire to restore offended pride, to prove to yourself that you are still attractive and sexy. Only the triumph from this will be short-lived. Secondly, it won’t be possible to take revenge on your husband in this way either. If his betrayal occurred from a sudden feeling, your actions will not touch him in any way. If he simply stumbled, you ruin all possible chances of restoring the family.
5. Be attentive to your health. A woman’s body has a hard time withstanding emotionally difficult situations. Psychological instability and stress directly affect your overall physical condition. Paying attention to your health during such a period is very important. Otherwise, minor ailments can lead to serious consequences.
6. Forgive only if you deserve it. If you immediately forgive the cheater, he will decide that he can deceive you again and get away with minor losses. Do you want to experience this pain again? Let him earn forgiveness through his actions. Know your worth.

Natali.

My name is Natalya, I am 41 years old, married for 24 years. Let me start by saying that once again my husband
I decided to take myself a mistress. We have already gone through this and more than once four years ago he even left me for another woman, but after living with her for a month he came back to me, how much effort and nerves it cost me to forget everything and forgive, only I probably know this. And it’s just that everything seems to have worked out, we live, as they say, in perfect harmony, and it’s all over again for you. He got a new job and after some time I find out that he is texting with a girl, he claims that it’s just correspondence, but I know that he can’t just have correspondence, and that’s where it all begins, naturally we started having scandals about this . In the end, I still turned out to be hysterical and I can’t pretend that everything is fine with us, I just want to live with a person and just trust him and not suspect him of something. How can you trust a person who betrays you all the time???

Natalya, hello!
I would like to support you with the fact that your man loves you if he comes back to you all the time. You are important to him.
But he also loves himself and therefore satisfies his needs through communication with women. This is probably not your flaw, but his self-affirmation. Apparently, he cannot deny himself this. For some reason, you need to look at his childhood and relationship with his mother.

How can you trust a person who betrays you all the time???

Yes, there is no way to trust him. Until, at least, he can prove the opposite to you for a long time with his loyalty.

Natali.

We lived peacefully for 4 years, only I began to believe that the person had changed, but he started again

Natalya, one day you should talk to him in a calm, confidential tone about your feelings about his infidelity, tell him about all your emotions, feelings and experiences, without blaming HIM. Look at his reaction. Try to determine whether you got through.
Perhaps he will learn something from your suffering, perhaps not.

Natali.

I’ve already talked, it seems like a person can’t understand this, he’s never experienced anything like this

I can't understand this

He understands on an analytical level, but it’s another matter to emotionally understand and accept the rejection of other women, which is difficult. We need to look into his family history for this.
And you or accept him as he is and endure all the advantages that would allow you to maintain the relationship
OR if this is not possible, end the relationship and get a divorce. Right now, reading the last sentence, something should click in you, or you should not like something in my words, or some other emotion. Feel this - this will be the first path towards your decision.
Because you and I will not be able to change a man in this format.

Natali.

As I understand, I have two ways to accept him as he is and the other way is divorce

Natali.

If I stay with him, can you give me advice on how I should not overreact to his betrayal?

It is always difficult to believe those who deceive and clearly do not deserve it, but in life there are many examples of how faith does miracles and saves even the most shaky relationships, making them truly an example for others. Of course, all this is not achieved in one day and it is not possible to make such a decision right away, but it is worth considering this approach, because making a decision based on emotions is not the right path in life and it will not lead to anything good.

The article collects frequently problematic questions from women and gives answers to them, but everyone understands that this is only a small part of what you can actually encounter.

It is worth describing your problem in the comments in order to receive practical advice and only then make a final decision for yourself.

How to trust your husband after his infidelity and betrayal - advice from a psychologist

No matter what decision you make, it should be made with a sober head, cooled down and calmed down.

Why did it happen? Maybe it’s just you, you’ve stopped taking care of yourself, you’ve stopped paying proper attention to your husband, and you often have headaches in the evenings. Try to erase it from your mind, forget about it.

The husband, in turn, should envelop you with his attention like a cocoon, so that you feel like the only one, the most loved and needed.

How to trust my husband after cheating and not suspect him that he loves me

Calm down is what you need to do first. You need to stop thinking about it all the time.

Since you decided to stay together, that means you are dear to him. It is unlikely that he will run for another skirt. To stop suspecting, take a break.

Throw yourself into work, find something to do, a hobby. In the end, no one canceled gatherings with girlfriends.

How to help your husband believe in himself and his strength, that he did not cheat

Idolize a man, tell him how good he is, what a great guy. Remind him how much he loves you and you too, and what a strong family you have, what a wonderful future you have together.

A man should feel like a breadwinner, a master of life. Everyone knows “The wife is the neck, the husband is the head.” Wherever the neck turns, that’s where the head looks.”

A man must be sure that it is he who manipulates the head and no one else.

Leave him the right to choose, because you must become a fragile woman whom you want to look after. Under no circumstances do for a man what he will do himself.

There are few married couples who have lived their entire lives in love and fidelity. Sooner or later, spouses are faced with the fact that a third person comes between them - the husband’s mistress or the wife’s lover. And it happens that each spouse acquires an extramarital partner.

Despite the fact that divorce is by no means a rare occurrence in our society, cheating is not very often the reason for divorce. Spouses, especially wives, are trying to save their families. Some do not want to separate their children from their father or be separated from them themselves, others love their unfaithful spouse and do not want to lose him, and others are afraid of being left alone. The motive for saving seven is a lot. But in almost every case the question of mistrust arises. It gnaws at you and forces you to do stupid things that poison your life. Therefore, if a woman decides to forgive the betrayal and continue to live in marriage, she needs to know how to learn to trust her husband after the betrayal.

How to live on after your husband cheated?

After your husband’s betrayal, the most important thing is not to return to it again and again in your thoughts. Every new day is exactly a new day, this is today. And what happened was yesterday. Living in yesterday is unproductive and contrary to the law of nature. You can only move forward, otherwise the meaning of movement is lost. My husband is back, and that’s good. Now you need to build new relationships with him, and not go through the old ones. For some reason, no one wants to wear old, worn-out clothes with unwashable stains, but many people like to try on the image of the offended, abandoned, deceived over and over again and irritate their wounds. The memories cannot go away, but you need to learn to filter them.

Another point is that you don’t need to please your husband in every possible way after cheating. Of course, we need to take into account the reasons why the husband turned “left” and strive to eliminate them, but it is completely unnecessary to spread a Persian carpet at the feet of the master. The place for the carpet is at the feet, and for the woman, next to her husband. Not in front, not behind, not above, not below - in modern society such excesses lead to a lack of understanding.

We need to stop complaining. The husband already knows how hard his wife experienced his betrayal. Probably, the parents of one of the parties or both, friends, are aware. Why complain to them again and again about your own inability to abstract from the source of pain?

There is no need to wait for lost trust to return on its own. It doesn't happen that way. Trust is a very subtle thing and does not arise out of nowhere. The wife needs to remember how she began to trust her husband at the very beginning of their relationship, when he was not yet a husband. These are exactly the memories that are pleasant and beneficial. Now is the time to refresh them.

Thoughts like “what if he cheats again” must be driven away. Moreover, do not discuss this option with your husband. For a husband, if he loves his wife and wants to maintain a relationship with her, his betrayal can serve as a good lesson on the topic “how important it is to restrain your impulses.” You should not form a stable image of a new betrayal in his head.

It is very important to stop thinking about what makes a woman unhappy. This is not only the betrayal that happened, but in general, anything: an unloved job, a rude colleague, a scratched car, a rent debt. Instead, you need to concentrate on eliminating these troubles. Build a relationship with your husband in which thoughts of infidelity will not arise. You can change your job if you undergo retraining, retraining or improve your qualifications and change the position of a line worker to the position of a manager. Knowledge from books and video lectures on conflict management and psychology will help to establish relationships in a team. Well, the car will be repaired in any workshop. Yes, and you can pay off debt if you moderate your spending on unnecessary purchases or work more.

It is very important to determine your life principles and build your life in accordance with them. Knowing what you really want will tell you how to build relationships and with whom, what to demand from yourself and what to ask from others. In family life, knowing each other’s fundamental positions will save a lot of nerves and reduce the number of disagreements.

How to build a relationship with your husband?

Offer him, instead of the woman he cheated on, a woman who needs to be conquered. Men are greedy for two things - external beauty and what others need. Here some kind of instinct kicks in, which is why husbands from pious wives sometimes go out with women who lead a riotous lifestyle and change lovers.

Until the age of 20-25, a woman looks the way nature intended her, unless, of course, she has bad habits and health problems. An older woman looks the way she wants. Therefore, instead of eating away the bitterness of male infidelity with chocolates and cakes, you should take care of your appearance: sign up for a gym or buy a home exercise machine and lose excess weight; change your hairstyle and, if necessary, hair color; perform epilation and skin cleansing; stop overeating and gradually switch to a healthy diet - it’s much cheaper and healthier; update or go through your wardrobe and throw away all the things of the “wrong” size, color and style. This way, the very necessary visual age will be created for the husband.

As for the second point - the demand of a woman by other men, then you need to approach it wisely. It would be nice to establish friendly relationships with colleagues and hobby partners, but it is important not to create the image of an easily accessible woman. This can greatly complicate your relationship with your husband.

You need to be constantly interesting. Many books, lectures, and training videos that are posted on the Internet for free will help with this. It is advisable to make a couple of points of contact between your own interests and the interests of your husband, look at some records with him or discuss news in an area of ​​interest to him. You and your husband need to not only live in the same territory and have a sexual life. A husband can become a reliable friend, and this is worth striving for. Love passes over time, this is an axiom. But friendship and tenderness remain and preserve the marriage.

If conflicts often arose with your husband in the past, then it’s worth turning to a family psychologist right now. If these conflicts previously led to infidelity, then someday they will cause divorce. And besides, no one wants to live with constant background grumbling. A professional psychologist will help you get rid of many habits that are harmful to relationships - nagging, criticizing, being offended, causing scandals and throwing tantrums.

If you have a quarrel with your husband, you should not react violently or with offense to his criticism. You need to learn from criticism, because it is something that can help you become better. In any comment, even the seemingly unfair one, there is some truth that is worth listening to.

You should never, in the heat of a heated quarrel, accuse your husband of cheating. This fact should be forgotten and banished from memory, and not serve as the final argument when the arguments end.

As for the mistress, there is no need to remember her either, even if she was a friend of the wife or a colleague of the husband. She never existed, she is an abstraction, a mirage, a fiction. Only such an attitude towards her will allow a man to pass by her and look through her, without indulging in memories of a fleeting sexual relationship with her.

Trust issues after cheating

To trust your husband again, you need to believe his words. If he sincerely repents of his actions, promises to control his desires under any circumstances, claims that his feelings for his mistress are not the basis for his betrayal, then, most likely, there is no reason not to believe him. Over time, trust can be regained as you build a new, strong relationship with your husband.

If the spouse convinces that there is nothing so terrible in his action, that all men are polygamous, that for him this is just entertainment, and he only loves his wife, you should not believe him. These are the arguments of a womanizer, a womanizer who will continue to cheat on his wife in the future. Life with him will never be calm, and when he is not at home, the wife will begin to be tormented by suspicions, and the imagination will helpfully slip in a picture in which the husband will be with his mistress.

Therefore, before deciding whether to trust your husband after cheating, you must first of all proceed from the personality of the husband himself.