How to be calm in any situation and not get nervous? Self-control and how to develop it How to learn to remain calm.

Emotional intelligence is “the ability to identify and manage one’s own emotions and the emotions of others.” Low emotional intelligence, as a rule, leads to an inability to remain calm and provokes conflicts, and high emotional intelligence extinguishes these conflicts and gives a person the ability to remain calm under pressure and in the most unfavorable circumstances.

Conflict situations are an integral part of life. Even the calmest and most collected person goes through them at some point in their life. In most cases, people have no control over them, and the only aspect of conflict we can control is how we respond. We can learn to recognize, acknowledge and manage our negative emotions. What should I do for this?

1. Take deep breaths

Why: Staying calm and focused during conflict depends on your ability to relax your body. Shallow and shallow breathing is the body’s natural response to stress, so to get rid of this, practice deep breathing, which immediately involves common sense.

How to: Inhale deeply through your nose and exhale slowly through your mouth. This type of breathing will stop the production of two stress hormones - adrenaline and cortisol.

2. Focus on your body

Why: Focusing on any physical sensations that arise during a conflict will allow you to consciously change them. When your attention turns to your body, you may notice tension, shallow breathing, and other signs that accompany stress.

How: When you notice your body starting to tense up, try returning to a neutral state by relaxing your shoulders and arms. This open attitude demonstrates positivity—and often defuses conflict.

3. Listen carefully

Why: a person will initiate an argument or some other conflict if he believes that he is not being heard. In addition, it is impossible to resolve a conflict without careful and active listening.

How: Focus all your attention on what the person is saying. Ignore any thoughts of interrupting him with your remarks. Once the person has finished speaking, you will already have the information you need to respond intelligently.

4. Ask open-ended questions

Why: Open questions are essential when resolving conflicts. First, they show that you are paying attention. Second, these types of questions show respect to the person by allowing them to articulate their thoughts.

How to: Learning to ask open-ended questions can be a little challenging. The main thing is not to ask simple questions that require short “yes” or “no” answers. Instead, use constructions that begin with the question words “what,” “why,” “why,” “when,” “where,” and “how.”

5. Keep your voice down

Why: the easiest way to escalate a conflict is to raise your voice, and on the contrary, speaking more quietly and softly, you extinguish the conflict. Voice volume and tone are also linked to blood pressure. When the pressure reaches a certain point, it becomes more difficult to understand the meaning of what is being said.

6. We agree to disagree

Why: Not every conflict ends in mutually acceptable results. However, you can avoid making the situation worse by politely removing yourself from the conversation.

How: The law of interpersonal conflict is that there are two participants. It is necessary to remove yourself from the conflict under one of two circumstances: (1) the person becomes increasingly hostile or (2) the conversation, despite all your efforts, has reached a dead end.

Unless you're a self-awareness guru, at some point during a conflict you might get really angry. Humans are emotional creatures, and this ability to feel can be used both to our benefit and to our detriment. By following at least one or two tips from the six above, you will undoubtedly feel more confident in any conflict situation. By doing this, you will gain people's trust and respect for your calm and balanced nature.

One Eastern proverb says: “It takes two hands to clap your hands.” For a conflict to flare up, it takes two or more people. If one of them remains calm, then there will be no incident. Verified. But how exactly do you stay calm?

There is this joke:

How do you manage everything and remain optimistic?
- I just don’t argue with anyone.
- But this is impossible!
- It’s impossible, it’s impossible.

It’s easy to become such a person if you know one secret. Everything your interlocutor tells you is a projection of his internal conflict. This has nothing to do with you. You just came across it.

When any person says something like “You're a slob,” “You're a rude person,” “You don't know what you're talking about,” “Slow down, watch where you're going,” it hits us to the core. What right does he have to say that? What does he think about himself? Why does he think I'm like this? We either get offended or begin to conflict and defend our innocence.

Now imagine a different situation. The same person comes up to you and shouts: “I’m a slob,” “I’m a rude person,” “I don’t know what I’m talking about,” “I’m slow, I don’t see where I’m going.” Such behavior brings nothing but a smile.

So, any accusation of something against another person stems from the internal conflict of the speaker. If he doesn’t have a point on this topic, a mental struggle, then he won’t notice it in you.

A person always talks only about what worries him personally. This has a very indirect relation to the interlocutor. Any joke or accusation only speaks of what a person does not like about himself or what he cannot come to terms with. This is not about you, this is about him. Communication with you only reveals this.

Having been studying conflictology, studying the origin and development of conflict for the last few years, I have never seen an exception to this rule.

So look at your reaction. Replace "you" with "I". And smile. As if the person had just publicly accused himself.

Agree, after understanding this issue it will become easier to react calmly. Just don’t try to explain this to your interlocutors! This is not only senseless, but also dangerous: people are sometimes not ready to perceive information about their own internal conflicts. Just listen, just smile. For many people, after realizing internal conflicts and their external manifestations, life changes, relationships in the family and at work improve.

But note: the other side of the issue also exists. Observe what you yourself say to others. On what issue are you ready to conflict? Why are you expressing your thoughts this way now? What are you shouting to the world?

If you talk to your children about , look at what you yourself are addicted to and why it hurts you. If you talk about the selfishness of others, it means you have not come to terms with your own selfishness. Our behavior in conflict is always a cry of inner pain.

Knowing this issue has significantly changed my life, and I hope it will help you too.

Self-control is a real art. Today, a positive-minded person is valued. But even the most resilient of us have our bad moments. What to do with feelings that are usually called negative, how to learn to control yourself and your emotions in any situation?

It is believed that negativity must be fought by any means, and positive emotions, on the contrary, must be cultivated. Psychologists have a different opinion: without sadness there will be no joy. Suppressing and masking negative emotions is the path to serious psychological problems. What should I do? Learn to accept and consciously manage the “other side of the coin.” Let's look at the secrets of mastering this art using specific examples.

How not to be offended by people and let go of the situation

Reasons for resentment can be found in every day of your life. An old friend did not invite you to visit, a friend wrote an SMS in honor of her birthday, but did not call. Colleagues at the corporate party ignored your joke; the husband refused a simple request; the acquaintance did not thank me for the service rendered. This feeling makes a voluminous, colorful and rich picture of existence black and white. Everything in your eyes becomes simple and clear: here I am, white and fluffy, generous and selfless, and here are nasty people and the same world around me. What to hide, to feel good among the bad, to experience righteous anger towards the offender, to reproduce in your head a scene of violent repentance, sweet.

But the end result is always the same - suddenly a person discovers that the voluntary state of the victim has “eaten up” his mental strength and time, which could have been used with much greater benefit. Fortunately, getting out of this state is not as difficult as it might seem.

Resentment and pain in the soul

The main danger of feeling offended is replaying the same situation in your head, focusing on the personality of the offender. This leads to resentment growing beyond measure, causing more and more harm. The reason for “walking in circles” lies within yourself. Believing that you have no right to be offended, that you deserve such treatment, you try to hide the fact of the offense from yourself and others. Leave this approach! Being honest with yourself, having sorted out your own feelings, tell yourself and (even if only to yourself) the culprit of the discomfort: “I am offended.” Awareness and recognition of the reason that caused the storm in you will stop it.

Understand, forgive

Overcoming resentment is impossible without “absolution of sins” for the offender. And this can only be done by standing in his place and understanding his motives. Look at the situation from the other side. Perhaps the offense was inflicted accidentally, and in fact the person did not want to offend you? If this is so, is it worth wasting mental strength on accidents?

"I'm alone at home"

Before you pout, think about the consequences for your loved one.

• Firstly, others are not particularly eager to communicate with those who are offended for any reason.
• Secondly, perhaps the reason is not so serious. Then why waste your precious nerves on this?

It's about me

What if you yourself have a “stigma in the cannon”? You could accidentally provoke a person to such a reaction or make too high demands. Be honest with yourself. And remember that admitting mistakes and being more loyal to your neighbor will bring relief to you too.

How to learn to manage anger and resentment

Throughout your life, you have encountered anger more than once or twice. His. If handled ineptly, this feeling can cause a lot of trouble. But if you learn to manage anger, it may well become a helper, not an enemy, allowing you to improve yourself, better understand yourself and the motives of your own actions, and motivate you to new achievements. Therefore, if something makes you angry, use taming tactics in order to be considered a balanced person and benefit from even the most unpleasant situation.

Stop fighting!

When a feeling hits, most often a person tries by all means to calm down. In vain. In this case, the thunderstorm should subside naturally. Recognize that you have the right to feel this way. Accepting a negative reaction shifts attention to solving the problem, saving energy for a futile fight against the elements.

Let off some steam

But in such a way as not to cause harm to yourself or others: take a walk, call a friend, take three deep breaths and exhales, closing your eyes. No less effective is to mentally imagine yourself throwing thunder and lightning at mortals. Do you like this blushing, almost exploding creature with a distorted face? Then imagine how skillfully you suppress anger, showing miracles of self-discipline. Visualization prevents anger from taking over, helping you return to your normal state.

Prioritize by focusing on the solution, not the problem.

It is easy and even pleasant to return again and again to what irritates you, or to complain about the irritant. But in reality, this only harms, preventing you from developing and taking an active, adult position in your own life. Instead, learn from the past so you can be more creative and smarter in the future.

Remember that you are a “reasonable person”

In other words, carefully study all the triggers of your anger, think through all the “retreat routes” in advance. For example, if you are annoyed by a colleague talking loudly and for a long time on the phone in her office, use her conversations as a break from work. Few people like anger, and by anticipating explosive moments, it is quite possible to remain collected and calm.

How to get out of despondency and apathy

Dejection, apathy... It turns out that these emotions can also be beneficial. All this is a natural process that is launched by the body itself for the purpose of self-defense. The mode, which is economical on emotions and activity, allows you to survive difficult moments with minimal damage, so that in the future you can rejoice, dream and hope with redoubled force. One who can cope with a difficult period is one who, even in the most crisis moments, does not forget: life is given only once. Honest answers to the questions below will help remind you of this. By the way, it is best to interview yourself every evening, and not just during attacks of melancholy, as a preventive measure.

• What did I learn today?

Only schoolchildren and the most responsible students can call this question easy. But those who are older will probably think about it. You will stop feeling the zest for life if you act according to a practiced, automated scenario every day. You can diversify your impressions by regularly getting acquainted with something new: previously unfamiliar words, scientific facts... Don’t forget about new physical exercises - your body also needs fresh impressions.

• How much have I been through today?

Mental health should always be at the top of your priority list. Meanwhile, many people treat themselves worse than their own mobile phone. They complain when they see a scratch on it. They run to the store and buy a durable case for it. They drop things at any moment in order to charge the “assistant” as quickly as possible. To find time for themselves, their energy should be, at best, at the level of 10%. Don't follow such a harmful example! Take breaks to recharge. Since breaks are required even by the most modern technology, why are you worse than a perfect, but not a living device?

• How did I make others feel?

Not everyone asks this question. Meanwhile, the manifestation of simple attention to one’s neighbor gives a feeling of the value of one’s own life and gives meaning to every day spent.

• What made me smile?

It is very important for emotional health to go into the world of dreams with a light heart, without depressing thoughts. To do this, make it a rule to end your day on a happy note, even if it didn’t go well. Simple, but so necessary for anyone, things will help: listening to your favorite song, kissing a loved one, listing all the good things that happened during the day, mentally reproducing especially pleasant memories from life.

• What can I do better tomorrow?

This question is especially relevant for perfectionists who reproach themselves for shortcomings and miscalculations. Everyone makes mistakes. Much more important is the reaction and not mistakes. After all, no matter how sad failures may be, they are useful to some extent, for example, they bring clarity. After them, a person manages to become more far-sighted - he suddenly realizes what is really required for further movement in the right direction. So allow yourself to “see the light.”

When I was a little younger, I had big goals and aspirations and a strong desire to achieve them every day of my life. In those days, my greatest desire was to live each day with dignity and peace of mind - to be equanimous and move peacefully from one task to another with concentration and calm, controlled energy.

Does everything seem simple? Probably no. But there are steps we can take to at least stay calm more often. Why be calm? Damn it because it feels fantastic! Anger and impatience wear on our hearts, our souls, and our families. When we control our emotions, we get more done, communicate better, and live more productive and purposeful lives.

1. Try not to be dramatic

It is very easy to dramatize and make mountains out of molehills. When a problem affects you, resist the urge to exaggerate the negative. Avoid the words “always” and “when”. You may feel like Stuart Smalley, but telling yourself “I can handle this,” “It’s okay,” and “I’m stronger than this” can really help you look at the problem differently.

2. Think before sharing a problem.

Don't talk about, blog, or tweet about your problem. Don't discuss it with your friends right away; digest it yourself first, this will give you time to calm down a little. Sometimes, well-meaning friends are too sympathetic to you. This only adds fuel to the fire and makes you even more upset.

3. Discover metaphors and visualization as a way to stay calm.

Here's what helps me: I try to think of the problem as a node. The more I panic and pull at the ends, the tighter the knot gets. But when I focus completely, I calm down and can loosen one thread at a time.

It also helps if you imagine yourself acting calm and focused. Stop shouting and move as slowly as possible. Speak slowly and quietly. Become the calm and calm person you see in your imagination.

Here's another trick: Do you know anyone who can be called unflappable? Think about what this person would do in your place.

4. Identify the factors that drive you crazy

Are there certain situations that make you feel out of control? Identify specific factors, from the time of day to how busy (or bored) you are, to your blood sugar levels. Do you lose your temper when it's too noisy—or too quiet? Knowing your personal triggers will help you stay calm throughout the day.

5. Realize that you can control your emotions.

Think back to times when you were able to successfully remain calm in a difficult situation. Perhaps it was when you wanted to yell at your spouse or children, but then the doorbell rang, and you were able to instantly change your mind. Remember that you can repeat this by knowing what irritates you and what can help you maintain peace of mind.

6. Create a calm environment with relaxing rituals

If calm music comforts you, take advantage of it. If silence calms you, take advantage of it. Maybe you'll play soothing instrumental music, dim the lights, and light some scented candles.

When you get home from work, take a few minutes to let your mind calm before diving into family matters. Sit in your car for a couple of minutes and take a few deep breaths. Take off your shoes and drink a few sips of water. Such rituals are extremely calming during the transition from one activity to another.

7. Take care of your immediate needs

Make sure you get enough sleep and get enough protein, fiber, vitamins and minerals. Most often, I become irritable when my blood sugar is low. However, all I have to do is eat something nutritious and I feel (relatively) better.

Also try to exercise. Daily exercise helps relieve physical stress, which in turn helps you control your feelings. If I feel the need, then instead of jogging for half an hour, I do kickboxing. It helps.

Avoid excessive consumption of sugar and caffeine, and stay hydrated. Drink a big glass of water and see if you feel better, calmer and more alert.

8. Pay attention to the soul and spirit

Depending on your religious preferences, meditate or pray. Practice yoga—or just sit quietly for a while. The ability to find peace of mind will serve you well more than once. Take a meditation class and learn techniques to help you control your busy mind.

9. Take a break

Instead of thinking about the same thing, do something interesting, exciting or creative. Try to laugh (or laugh at yourself). Watch a comedy or read a blog that always makes you laugh. When you are animated, it is much easier to remain calm.

10. Take a day off

If I fight like crazy not to take a day off, I know for sure that I need it. If I can overcome myself and spend a whole day away from work, I always come back calmer, more confident and filled with fresh ideas.

11. Don't forget to breathe

When my children were very young, we helped them calm down by teaching them to breathe from their belly. It still works - for them and for me. Breathing from your diaphragm helps relieve tension immediately and gives you a couple of minutes to calm down. Often this time is enough to assess the situation and regain a sense of control.

During proper belly breathing, your belly will literally rise and fall. To practice, place your hand on your stomach. Inhale through your nose and see if your hand rises as you inhale. Hold your breath for a few counts and exhale slowly.

12. Reflect on quotes that can help calm your mind.

Here are some quotes that I find inspiring:

“You are heaven. Everything else is just weather." Pema Chodron

“A calm, focused mind, not aimed at harming others, is more powerful than any physical force in the universe.” Wayne Dyer.

“It’s no use rushing life. If I live on the run, then I live wrong. My habit of rushing will not lead to anything good. The art of living is to learn to give time to everything. If I sacrifice my life for the sake of haste, it will become impossible. Ultimately, procrastination means taking the time to think. This means taking time to think. Without haste, you can get everywhere.” Carlos Petrini is the founder of the “slow food” movement.

“The single most important reason to remain calm is that calm parents hear more. Moderate, receptive parents are the ones whose children keep talking." Mary Pipher.

“Keep calm, serenity, always control yourself. Then you will understand how easy it is to be at peace with yourself.” Paramahansa Yogananda.

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Each person who understands that he can develop any ability in himself has his own list of future qualities. If self-control isn't on your list, perhaps this article will help you not only understand the importance of this ability, but also help you develop it.

Although self-control has always been considered a truly masculine quality, it is also useful for women to develop it. A woman who has lost her composure evokes compassion and even love, while a man loses all respect. Sometimes loss of self-control is manipulation, it depends on the underlying motives. And yet, women should develop this quality in themselves, if only because frequent loss of self-control is fraught with huge problems with. You can explain everything as choleric and continue killing yourself, but there are better options.

A nervous breakdown is a ticking time bomb, so let's figure out what it will cost you. It is worth mentioning that although loss of self-control does not at all mean a nervous breakdown, frequent loss of oneself weakens the psyche so much that with each new time you become closer to a nervous breakdown, and then you will experience it every time. With or without reason.

Self-control and its loss

Self-control- this is a person’s ability to maintain inner calm, not to betray his inner self in the most difficult emotional and critical situations. To lose self-control means to succumb to emotions, expose a raw nerve and betray your inner self. If you ask the question of why to maintain self-control, the answer will be a list of negative aspects that follow its loss:

• Feelings of guilt or shame
• Loss of masculinity if you are a man
• Nervous breakdown, hysteria
• The lower the level of the irritating factor, the greater the discomfort of people who have witnessed a nervous breakdown
• Loss of self-control can result in complete stupor. The man appears calm on the outside. This is the most dangerous type of nervous breakdown.
• A break in a relationship with a person, a damaged item, burning of all bridges at work and social life, moral decline in the face of witnesses to the breakdown
• If repeated frequently, a heart attack or weakening of the nervous system is possible.

Loss of self-control usually does not occur over a short period of time. This is a long process of accumulation of irritating factors. A person who cultivates self-control has the ability to dissolve the first signs of the first stimulus. In order to learn to dissolve a stimulus within yourself, you must first recognize it. The trouble with many people is that during the course of the day they accumulate many negative situations that they no longer even notice - they are automatically credited to your negative emotional account.

Those who have lost self-control describe this feeling as a red haze before their eyes. There is a complete loss of control over the entire body, the consciousness seems to be watching the body from the outside. In a person, the feeling of guilt and shame is mixed with bewilderment; he does not understand what happened. Realization comes later.

Are there any disadvantages to developed self-control? Of course, if you still don’t understand what it is and think that you can’t tolerate anything for a long time. Self-control is the constant nullification of irritants so that they do not accumulate. No one advises you to endure humiliation and bullying, just a nervous breakdown is the worst way to conduct a dialogue and solve problems. And simply irritation in any dialogue does not allow you to even follow the progress of the conversation. By losing your temper you may even win a battle, but not a war. No one will do business with you anymore.

The benefits of developing self-control

By developing self-control, you will not only control your emotions, but also control the emotions of those close to you, instill confidence in them and prevent them from losing face. People really appreciate this quality.

Despite the fact that we all love to be emotional, there are a huge number of situations where it is necessary to be guided by cold calculations and have a steady hand. Emotions should have their time. Just because people pay more attention to highly emotional people doesn't mean they value them.

You gain power over other people. In any difficult emotional situation, when many are prone to panic, people instinctively look around and note the calmest person. Evolution tells them - follow him, he knows what to do. Even when a person is simply confused, he will notice your calmness and listen to you.

A person who has developed self-control is able to plan his actions in a difficult situation. At a time when others lose face, this person is aware of every action and knows what steps and words will be next. He remains himself in any situation.

How to develop your self-control

Meditation

This is always and everywhere. But what if it really is universal when it comes to any emotions. It will allow you to recognize, understand and feel your emotions. You will finally be able to wonder, “Oh, I feel grateful. What a pleasant feeling, I’ve never paid attention to it.” Negative emotions are much more difficult, but by taking 20 minutes a day, you can save a huge amount of money and time later. In the end, you will simply be surprised that you can experience several dozen emotions in one minute and how much it harms a clear mind.

Relaxation

If at first it’s difficult for you not to think about anything and sit with your eyes closed, just lie down, turn on your favorite music and lie down. Two times 10 minutes a day is enough to bring emotions back to normal.

Love people

More than half of your irritations come from people making you angry and irritated. You can spend your whole life trying to re-educate them, or you can find the best in every person and be sincerely interested in them. Look at the person who always annoys you and ask a simple question: “Why?” Once you have your answer, ask the same question four more times. Surprisingly, you will most likely end up finding out that the reason for your irritation with this person is within yourself, something that can be easily eliminated if you constantly remind yourself of that very last answer. It's not your unlucky relative that irritates you, but the fact that you can't help him get back on his feet. He will still be your relative and you love him sincerely, the fact is that you don’t know how to help him. Perhaps you never even thought about it, he just annoyed you because he couldn’t get settled in life. Get to the bottom of the true, not superficial, cause of irritation.

Ignore external stimuli

A phone call annoys you not because it distracts you from work, but because you need to answer. You automatically pick up the phone, simply because someone called you. In many cases, this call will not change your life. If it’s annoying, don’t pick up the phone, call the person back when you realize you need it.

It’s worth doing the same with many other irritants, if you finally think about the fact that you can not react to them or minimize their impact. Headphones will help you concentrate on reading (music without words), reading annoying news surprisingly stops annoying you when you stop reading it.

Resetting the stimulus

As already mentioned, the main reason for loss of self-control is that irritants accumulate and there is a certain threshold, after crossing which you get a nervous breakdown. Therefore, if an unpleasant event for your nervous system occurs in the morning, do not ignore it (it has already penetrated inside), but work with it. Don't solve important issues when you're doing something. Think about getting rid of the irritation and only then move on.

Delay your reaction time

When a stimulus occurs, do not react automatically. This is especially important during... Count to ten or take a couple of deep breaths. Only lower microorganisms react instantly to stimuli.

Always remember that loss of self-control is an unambiguous evil. If you are engaged, all this is meaningless if you do not know how to control your feelings and do not monitor your emotions. Self-development is, first of all, mental balance, and it is in this state that one can achieve great success in all endeavors.

Leave your comments and give examples of how losing your temper can ruin a life.