Why no one loves me, or the syndrome of contrived unlovability. What to do if no one loves you: advice from a psychologist How to understand that no one loves you

“Why doesn’t anyone love me? Why am I still lonely, despite all my advantages? - many women ask these questions and often blame men for their loneliness, who supposedly could not appreciate them. But are men really to blame for everything, or are the reasons for our loneliness and lack of meaningful relationships in ourselves?

Reason #1: Idealization of relationships

Julia has been living for many years waiting for her happiness. She has clear ideas about how things should be, and she does not accept other relationships. The chosen one is expected to have a certain level of income, appearance, character and, most importantly, ways of showing feelings for Yulia.

Many young people meet her in the hope of starting a relationship, but the girl is adamant - she refuses to meet if the man does not look like her ideal and does not behave the way Yulia dreams.

What to do?

This attitude towards life is idealization. Usually girls whose parents were in debt and happy marriage , or those who were raised by one parent. In the first case, the woman is looking for a relationship that completely replicates the ideal marriage of her parents, and in the second, the imagination itself builds an idealistic model of relationships, using books and films, since the dreamer has no experience of her own.

Unfortunately, life often destroys our castles in the air, and the result of waiting for ideal happiness can only be ideal. loneliness . There are no ideal people, just like there are no ideal relationships.

Life is so diverse that by forming your social circle strictly according to fictitious parameters, you risk missing the real feeling, and not only that. The framework of ideal relationships you have created limits your life and deprives it of richness and spontaneity. It turns out that you are not living, but only preparing for life.

But life happens here and now, so you shouldn’t give up on the opportunities that you encounter every day. Accept everything as it is and enjoy every moment of communication and relationships. Relax, stop comparing everyone to a fictitious ideal, and then relationships will definitely appear in your life that will make you happy.

Resentment towards the world

Reason #2: Resentment towards the world

Dasha is a very sociable and open person, but her impulsiveness and touchiness prevent her from maintaining long-term relationships with people. She believes that people are unfair to her, do not understand her and are trying to offend her.

Why no one loves me / shutterstock.com

As soon as the next gentleman makes some mistake, the girl immediately turns him away. Any little thing can be the reason - for example, a young man promised to call at eight, but called a couple of hours later. She constantly complains to her friends about her life, but they strive to quickly end the conversation.

Dasha languishes from loneliness, but sincerely does not understand why she is so unlucky. After all, other girls, although less beautiful and not as smart as Dasha, have been married for a long time and have many friends! But Dasha and her girlfriends don’t have permanent ones, and men don’t stay long...

The reason for Dasha's loneliness is a complete distrust of the world and people. If something happens, the girl does not think about the reasons and her influence on what is happening, but immediately blames other people or evil fate for what happened.

Dasha distrusts the world so much that she is constantly in tension and sees a catch in literally everything and everyone. It turns out that with her grievances, Dasha is simply fencing herself off from the world, in such an absurd way subconsciously trying to protect herself from possible failures.

What to do?

This often happens to people who have suffered severe childhood trauma (for example, parents often left the child alone, divorced or did not love him, etc.), and this undermined their basic trust in the world.

Such events leave a particularly strong mark if they occur before the age of three. A person, most likely, does not even remember about them, but the psyche for many years turns out to be tuned only to protection.

At a later age, the betrayal of someone close to you can become a trauma: and if a person could not forgive him, then he will transfer the old offense into his present.

You need to understand the reasons for your distrust of people and the world, analyze grievances and radically change your approach to life. First you need to forgive life and people for not meeting your expectations. First of all, you yourself need this - to free yourself from the burden of the past and let yourself into your world positive . Once you open up to the world, it will open up to you.

Diffidence

Reason #3: Lack of self-confidence

Sveta really wants to start a family, but it is very difficult for her to do this - after all, she hardly goes anywhere.

She always thinks that she is doing something wrong, that she is not beautiful, smart, or charming enough, and therefore the girl subconsciously avoids crowded events, justifying herself by saying that she has a lot of work. In fact, Sveta has many advantages, but she does not give herself a chance to demonstrate them.

Why no one loves me / shutterstock.com

What to do?

Self-doubt can manifest itself in different ways, and not always everything is as obvious as with Sveta. A person can be successful and communicate well, but in his inner eye he will see himself as uninteresting and unnecessary, believing that he must earn someone's love.

This internal attitude will guide his further choices. “I’m not good enough for a relationship,” such a woman will signal to others. And until she changes her attitudes, the relationship will not work out.

The only way out is to increase your self-esteem and self-confidence, learn to communicate, and not wait for a miracle to happen and, quite by chance, a handsome prince will notice you and appreciate all your merits at first sight.

Idealization of oneself

Reason #4: Idealizing yourself

Marina is always aware of all the latest events in the world, knows all the fashion trends, she is the soul of any company, smart, beautiful, and she is always welcome. But the huge amount of communication does not save her from loneliness: the men next to her hang out and quickly disappear from the horizon, and her girlfriends are jealous.

Why no one loves me / shutterstock.com

Marina's problem is that she is too busy presenting herself. She is obsessed with her strengths and constantly demonstrating them to other people. At the same time, Marina forgets one simple truth - people, first of all, do not need her virtues, but attention to their own person.

Men rate Marina very highly, but do not risk starting a relationship with her, because they are afraid of quickly becoming unnecessary to her, because she is perfection itself.

What to do?

This expressed desire to impress usually stems from self-doubt. A person believes that without this, no one can please him, and therefore he tries very hard to be on top. And, in assessing oneself, he relies on

So what should we do about it now?

In one very useful article, Why don't those who like me like me? Regarding the question “We choose, we are chosen, how often this does not coincide,” three situations are described:

1. Why don't people like me like me?? Because these people are liked by everyone, and you are just one of the few for them. It's not a fact that it's the best. And they can choose.

2. Why don't I like people who like me? Because you are not a valuable object, and only those who are very far from the fullness of life themselves fall for you. Accordingly, you don't like them.

3. Why don't I like anyone? This is the saddest thing that can happen. If this is not a temporary state (temporary is normal), then it means that the fire of life has gone out so much in you that intuition itself does not recommend getting together with anyone. In this state, there is a high risk that you yourself are moving towards illness, and the risk that your offspring will be unhealthy.

Of course, you most likely have some logical explanation for the fact that you don’t really want anything or anyone. It may even be that you draw these explanations from some psychological and near-psychological sources, and regularly feed your opinion by reading some fashionable psychologist.

But the only correct explanation is this: The less psychological fullness of life a person lives, the less he really wants something. It’s not like “whether you want it or not, you have to want it.” And so that you really want it. Freezing with anticipation, heart beating with anticipation. So that in the very depths of my soul there is no doubt that this (something or someone) is exactly what I really want.

It is necessary to distinguish that “fullness of life”, which is generally accepted in our society, from the psychological fullness of human life. It is important! Re-read the highlighted fragment again, otherwise you will not understand anything in the further explanation. Are they so different that most people don’t immediately understand what we’re talking about?

What is “fullness of life” for the average person? Of course, each of us here is unique and original, and has our own opinion about this. For some, “fullness of life” means creating a good family, several children and your own apartment. For some it is an opportunity to travel and explore the world. For some - to earn a lot or develop their business. One can name no more than a dozen options for the “completeness” of human life, which exhausts all the “originality” of the multi-billion-strong humanity.

At the same time, we see many cases where a person who is successful in many similar (external) areas feels unhappy and lives with the feeling that life is passing by. He himself understands that “that’s all” is not what he needs. But what exactly he needs - he himself does not know. Because he doesn't really want anything. And he doesn’t really want anyone either.

Such a person can lead an outwardly fulfilling life (by the standards of our society) - attend fitness, go to developmental trainings, spend leisure time at exhibitions, communicate with a considerable number of people. To have enough resources, as it is fashionable to say these days. Resources of health, material resources, beauty, education and so on.

Remember: the fullness of psychological life does not depend on everything listed here. She is on a completely different plane. If you don't understand this (yet), then at least take it on faith. It will help to take it on faith that the thoughts of the true sages of mankind on this issue were in tune. Consider that you have not yet grown to wisdom.

Let me quote one of the phrases: “a person’s life does not depend on the abundance of his possessions.” (Gospel of Luke 12:15)

“Life” in this case is meant precisely as the psychological fullness of life.

As you understand, ordinary (external) human life depends on all the external circumstances that we listed above. But the psychological fullness of life does not depend, this is completely different. The sense of taste for life, the feeling of happiness, joy, the presence of meaning in life and bright strong emotions directly depend on the psychological fullness of life. A person living a full human life, among other things, can truly want. And then the conclusion will be that in order to start wanting something badly, you need to increase your fullness of human life.

Yes, having a greater completeness of psychological life, it will be easier for you to achieve the external attributes of the “fullness” of life accepted in society. But not the other way around. Achieving all the outer attributes will not help you progress in increasing your fullness of psychological life.

, Psychology of love. Psychologist's website about the art of love.

Recently, girls who differ from each other in social status and worldview are brought together by one phrase. Almost all representatives of the fair sex pronounce it sooner or later. This phrase goes like this: “Why doesn’t anyone love me?”

Inadequate self-esteem

Girls who are “not liked” idolize themselves very much and believe that everyone should bow to them. When their expectations are not met, they complain: “No one loves me, no one understands me,” and become depressed. Such girls need to lower their self-esteem a little and stop expecting the whole world to be at their feet. You need to accept yourself as a part of the world around you, and not as a commodity, and understand that every person is unique.

Believe in yourself

While some young ladies overestimate themselves, others, on the contrary, underestimate themselves. They try to appear in public less, considering themselves ugly, uninteresting and unnecessary. Girls signal their shortcomings with their appearance and receive appropriate treatment. They don't love themselves. How can others love them? In order to find their love, such girls need to increase their self-esteem, believe in their strengths and then it won’t take long to wait.

Drive away fear

There is another group of girls: those who are afraid of being rejected. They are constantly unhappy because they cannot find what they need. But they don’t find it because they don’t show their desire, fearing being rejected. As a result, they find themselves trapped in a vicious circle that they themselves created. To break out of this circle, you need to overcome your fears and express your desires. This is the only way to find inner freedom.

Reaction to failure

There are girls who, not receiving the admiring glances of men, consider themselves losers and harbor a grudge against the whole world in their souls. They constantly complain about the injustice of people around them. They blame their loved ones for all troubles. This leads to the fact that men do not stay near them for long, and they can only cry: “No one loves me, no one will take care of me.” Such girls need to free themselves from grievances and forgive others. When they open up to the world, it will open up in return and, quite possibly, provide an interesting meeting.

In search of the ideal

Some female representatives are characterized by idealization. They have come up with an ideal man and an ideal relationship for themselves and are looking for it in real life. But in life there is no ideal. Therefore, they only get ideal loneliness and suffer from it: “Why am I lonely? Why doesn't anyone love me? Such people need to take a closer look at real men and find positive qualities in them. As a result, they will be able to fill their lives with variety and find their destiny. To stop the question “why doesn’t anyone love me” bother you, you need to follow these tips:

Develop adequate self-esteem.

Believe in yourself.

Drive away fear.

Learn to be calm about failures.

Refuse idealization.

Try to follow these tips and then the question “why doesn’t anyone love me” will stop worrying your mind.

You look great and feel good. You have a lot of talents, a wonderful and favorite job. Everything in your life is good, and life seems to have happened. But there is one BUT. You are alone, and only one thought fluctuates in your head - why doesn’t anyone like me, no one understands me, no one is interested in me? A whole set of complaints about life and no enlightenment or way out of the situation. Millions of people face similar misfortunes today. What is happening to modern people and what mistakes are they making, dooming themselves to loneliness?

Why doesn't anyone understand me?

In almost any company, be it friends or colleagues, there will definitely be a single person who, compared to the others, has not married, has not found a partner, and if it is a girl, then she is not married, etc. Such people are accustomed to answering all questions about why this happens with standard phrases like: “Nobody will love me” or “Nobody likes me.” But they themselves are hardly aware of the real reasons that they are still alone. Such patients appear at psychologists’ appointments every day. “No one communicates with me, no one gets involved with me. No one notices me. Doctor, why doesn’t anyone need me?” they complain. And the doctor smiles sadly and asks each of the lonely people to turn to their childhood. This is where the legs of this problem grow. Fear of love, an example of difficult parental relationships, childhood grievances, isolation, etc. - all this leaves an imprint on the personality, which can sometimes become a real stigma of loneliness. Ask any successful and rich people why they are lonely. And many of them honestly admit: “Nobody has ever loved me.” And the point here is not in others, but in the person himself. And he is quite capable of solving this problem. Some tips will help you dot all the I's and understand yourself.

A colleague didn’t say hello, a friend forgot to wish him a happy birthday, they pushed him into the subway... Such different situations - and there’s always one explanation: “Nobody loves me!” This is not easy to come to terms with, but such a statement is true: the lack of unconditional love from others is a reality that every adult faces.

“Our thirst for love is a strong, often unconscious need to relive that ideal love that only a mother can give to her child,” explains Jungian analyst Konstantin Slepak. “But the perfect and absolute love of a mother is a feeling that only a child can claim.” As adults we learn to overcome this frustration. Our love, affection, friendship are always the result of a bilateral relationship in which everyone is both a giver and a recipient. But some of us continue (as in childhood) to be in dire need of love, approval, and support.

The bar is too high

“No one needs me,” this is often said by those who did not receive enough parental love in childhood, or at least live with this feeling,” says Konstantin Slepak. However, too much parental love can lead to similar consequences. Growing up, the child will expect from others the same amount of attention that he received in childhood, but no one will be able to meet his high expectations. The insatiable need for new expressions of love and recognition ultimately forces others to withdraw.

“It’s difficult to stay close to someone who will never have enough feelings that are ready to offer him,” continues Konstantin Slepak. “And of course, such a reaction fuels the resentment of the “misunderstood”, strengthening his belief that the whole world is against him.”

The need to be the best

A constant “lack” of love is often felt by those who have dominant narcissistic character traits.

“To be loved” for them means “to be the most loved,” that is, the one who was preferred to others, says Konstantin Slepak. “However, it is difficult to admit that perhaps you do not deserve the love that you claim; it is easier to blame others for not taking the trouble to become interested in you.”

Lack of confidence

The phrase “Nobody loves me!” sounds like an unquenchable thirst for compliments.

Anyone who lacks self-confidence constantly needs positive assessments from the outside, and the more of them, the calmer the person feels. At the same time, he becomes very vulnerable to criticism: the slightest hint that he is imperfect makes him seek recognition with renewed vigor.

What to do?

Return to childhood. Try to remember your childhood. Ask yourself: did I feel surrounded by attention? Did my parents show their love for me? The purpose of these reflections is to realize that your experiences and fears belong to your personal history, so it is useless to shift responsibility for them to other people.

Remember everyone who loves you. You're probably exaggerating. Write the names of five close people and remember one of the last signs of attention: words of gratitude, a compliment. These gestures can hardly be called signs of great love, but they certainly prove that you are valued and valued.

Realize your role. Close relationships are always a mutual exchange. Remember and write down the good things you have done recently for people close to you. You will probably find that you enjoy giving love just as much as you enjoy receiving it.

Turn it into dignity. Through a process that psychoanalysts call sublimation, the destructive need for love can become a force that can fill the inner emptiness and satisfy the spiritual hunger. Artistic creativity, scientific research, charity. Everyone has the power to find something that will allow them to turn frustration into a source of positive emotions.

“I tried to say these words myself”

Yana, 37 years old, artist

“I grew up with the feeling that no one needed me. At some point I began to experience dizziness and hearing problems, but only psychotherapy helped me understand what was really happening to me. Psychotherapy did not fill the void, but taught me to live with it. For many years, until my mother’s death, I hoped to hear from her: “I love you.” My mother would have been furious if she had seen me take up something other than law, the profession for which she had prepared me. She wouldn’t understand that all the colors I put on my canvases are the same “I love you” that she was never able to give me.”

Anyone who feels not loved enough, first of all wants to be attentive to him, supported and protected at the moment when he needs it. But do not put yourself entirely at his disposal - this will not help heal his mental wound.

Learn to give the other “his part” of your love and do not despair if you cannot change the situation. Do not blame yourself for this, because this emotional “hunger” is a trace of his personal history.