Separation from adult children or “empty nest” syndrome. "Empty Nest Syndrome"

The moment when children leave home (studying at university in another city or country, marriage) can be very difficult for parents. It is not unusual to feel sad, yearning and irritated during this period, with or without reason. Psychologists even gave this condition their name - “empty nest syndrome.”

In psychology, this syndrome is described as “a feeling of depression, sadness/bitterness experienced by parents or caregivers when children grow up and move away from home.” In addition, parents of “boomerang children”—adult children ages 25 to 34 who have tried to live on their own and returned to their parents' home due to financial difficulties—often experience similar symptoms.

In this case, as a rule, parents experience double feelings. On the one hand, they are glad that the children are moving forward and gaining new experiences, on the other hand, they are haunted by a feeling of loneliness, emptiness and abandonment.

Culture and other factors

Scientists from Canada's Simon Fraser University conducted a study, surveying more than 300 parents, and as a result found that cultural norms and customs play a large role in the occurrence of “empty nest syndrome.” Thus, residents of India and people from this country are much more likely to experience the syndrome (50 and 64% for fathers and mothers), compared with people from China, Southern Europe and the UK. According to the study, social factors also contribute to the occurrence of the syndrome:

1. Identification of oneself only as a parent (especially in women);
2. Feeling of loss of control over children (especially in men);
3. If there is only one child in the family;
4. Lack of public support;
5. Feeling that children leave home too early or late compared to cultural norms;
6. If the parents are still quite young when the child leaves, or the young parents of a boomerang child;
7. Concerns about the safety of the child outside the walls of the parental home.

Symptoms of the "syndrome"

It's normal to cry when your child leaves home. You may also feel nostalgic when you walk into your child's room or walk through places that remind you of him. It may be difficult for you to watch your favorite shows, movies that you are used to watching together, you may lose interest in some things, stop cooking, because “now there is no one for you.” If you raised a child on your own, these feelings may be even more intense.

Symptoms of “empty nest syndrome” are as follows:

1. A state of sadness.

2. Hysterics.

3. Insomnia or restless dreams.

4. Feeling like you have lost your purpose in life.

5. Difficulty concentrating.

6. Inability to get out of bed in the morning.

7. Irritation.

8. Depression.

If you notice these symptoms, especially depression, do not hesitate or be afraid to seek help from a psychologist or other specialist who can get you out of this circle of negative emotions.

From personal experience

However, there are things about empty nest syndrome that research won't tell you. They can only be formulated by a person who has personally experienced the departure of a child. Writer and essayist Shelley Emling, who sent her eldest son off to college, shares her sad discoveries.

1. Role reversal is very confusing. The first three months of my son's school were the longest for me. Of course, I was very pleased that he set off on a “free swim,” but I felt bitterness because my role in his life had become insignificant. I had to force myself to stop texting him every five minutes and let the child take the first step in our communication. I'd be lying if I said it was easy. We spent a little time together when he was in high school, but there's a big difference between daily face-to-face meetings and a few texts a week.

2. Brothers and sisters are also having a hard time leaving. If you have a child who is a student, it completely changes the family dynamic. This affects not only me, but also my husband and our other children, who are acutely aware of the empty chair at the dinner table. To compensate, I encourage them to interact regularly with their older brother and to come with us on a “parents weekend” to see him in a new environment.

3. The last year of school is incredibly important for family communication. On the eve of our son's departure, we had a farewell dinner, where it was just the five of us. I understand that such dinners have become rare in our family, and we should have had them much more often. It won’t take a lot of time or money, just spend time as a family more often, and this will create the foundation for your children’s future.

4. You will not become the parent you dream of. I figured out a long time ago what kind of mother I would be. But when I had three children, this magical image that had lived in my imagination for years disappeared somewhere. For example, I looked askance at parents who allowed their children to watch TV, and then I sat my own in front of the screen to finish a work interview on the phone. Shortly before my son left, I thought I had become a wise, “perfect mother,” but nothing in parenting goes according to plan, and his departure to college is no exception.

What to do

Although many parents perceive the “loss” of a child and an empty home as something negative, it can also have its benefits. For example, spend more quality time with your significant other, travel, try new activities and hobbies. Of course, for many parents, motherhood or fatherhood is an important part of their self-identity, so internally letting go of a child is very difficult.

Try to focus on some interesting activities that would bring you pleasure. Communicate with your children regularly, visit them, call them, video calls can be especially effective. And the realization that the “empty nest syndrome” is not a fiction will help you accept the situation and cope with it.

Understanding life makes life itself easier.

“I invested my whole life in him, I didn’t sleep at night, but he grew up, lives his own life and doesn’t even ask about his health.”

How often do we sometimes become disappointed in relationships, in children, in life. This happens when we do not receive anything in return, but invest a lot of our energy, time, and love into this relationship, into the children. But in the end, we are left with nothing in our lives.

The children grew up and flew away. And they don't even call. And questions remain, questions. Why did it all turn out this way: you give and give and get nothing in return? Why?!

Does the river flow from bottom to top?

When you look at little children and how they play, you see that they really want to be like adults. The girl takes the doll, and for her it is her daughter, she puts it in the stroller. The boy plays war, sees himself as a superhero who protects everyone. They want to be adults. We all strive for development, forward. Therefore, it is natural that parents constantly think about their children, but on the contrary, not always. At least this is not given by life. Children receive from their parents and later give to their children.

Why doesn't it work in reverse?

According to the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan, a mother has a strong maternal instinct towards her children. This is a natural, very powerful stimulus. Thanks to him, a mother takes care of her child unconditionally.

But children do not have strong anxiety and concern for their parents, instinctive, animalistic. It doesn't work in reverse. And this is also a natural mechanism, created so that children who reach a certain age begin to create their own families, and not remain forever with their parents.

And if you think about it, this is very wisely arranged. But sometimes, giving our children all of ourselves without a trace, sometimes sacrificing our personal lives, careers, free time, we seem to have the right to expect something in return, some kind of compensation.

Unjustified expectations

And when this does not happen, we can be offended to the core. After all, we spared nothing for our children, and they? How could they do this? But these unjustified expectations from children often lead to poor relationships in the family, creating an oppressive atmosphere called: “You owe me, you owe me, you will never pay me back in your entire life.”

And the truth is: you can’t pay. This is an impossible task for anyone. Such a task is not worth it. But there is something else - honoring parents, and this is nurtured and formed.

Cultural superstructure

The instinct to care for parents is not given by nature, and it is useless to demand. This is a cultural superstructure that is instilled from childhood. The closeness from the emotional connection that the mother (!) creates with the baby develops in him the ability to feel another, to empathize and be complicit with others, including his parents.

Parents who instill selfishness in their children in the spirit of “don’t give a damn about everyone, and success awaits you in life”, in old age reap the fruits of erroneous upbringing: their children abandon them or “put them in” to a nursing home.

Children with an anal vector, due to the structure of their psyche, have a more developed attitude towards their mother as something sacred, and therefore such children usually do not have problems with giving to their parents, in particular to their mother. Since childhood, they have built close intimacy, friendship, and affection with their mother. But it is they who, if they have strong grievances against their mother, fence themselves off from her, as if taking revenge in this way.

Skin children have a sense of duty and responsibility. If the skin son or daughter is developed and realized, then they will really take good care of their parents. We are talking here, of course, not about a close emotional connection, but financially they will take care of their parents. If a person with the skin vector is not developed and not realized, then he, on the contrary, will sit on the neck of his elderly parents, without a twinge of conscience, count on their pension, and wait for an inheritance.

Visual children will care out of a sense of compassion if they have been taught this since childhood and are themselves in a realized state. Otherwise, it may be blackmail, a game for the public - in order to attract attention to “the unfortunate one.”

Our relationship with our parents is our relationship with a Higher Power.

System-vector psychology Yuri Burlana reveals a very simple and important law of life: a child’s relationship with his parents is his relationship with a Higher Power, with life.

How good his relationship with his parents is (more precisely, the child’s attitude towards his parents - regardless of what these parents were like), his fate is shaped. Resentment towards parents, the desire to disown them - poisons the life of the offender himself. Violating the laws of nature always distorts one's own life.

The training in system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan saturates and harmonizes a person’s life so much that he naturally establishes a connection with his parents and his children. This happens, in particular, because we understand the behavior of another better than he understands himself, and any complaints naturally disappear.

Parents who have the hardest time

Parents with an anal vector are more concerned about “repaying debts.” This is due to the characteristics of their psyche. The key words of anal people - “the past, the transfer of experience and knowledge” - play a cruel joke here, and therefore dramas between fathers and children often unfold, where both sides do not understand each other due to different natural properties.

People with an anal vector in their unrealized states are directed back to the past, where everything was different, not as it is now, but as it was with their fathers and great-grandfathers.

People with the anal vector are the best, most faithful fathers and the most caring mothers and wives, the best teachers. They do an excellent job of passing on experience and knowledge to future generations if they realize their properties for the benefit of society. But in their unrealized states, they pose a threat to themselves and their children. Without realizing their enormous mental potential, they will tend to constantly criticize their children, depriving them of the necessary praise and approval, rather than channeling it in the right direction.

And if such mothers or fathers do not realize their sexual potential, which is very high by nature, then this can result in beating their children. Unfulfilled anal dads raise their hands against their wives. And sexually unfulfilled women beat their children. They themselves do not understand what is happening to them at such moments, and are not aware of it. And this can happen again and again. Children suffer the most from this.

Of course, it’s not at all easy for women with an anal vector. They sometimes, having no help either from the state or from their ex-husband, raise their children alone, raise them, give them an education, forgetting about themselves, about their needs of soul and body, trying to give their children the best. Sleepless nights next to children. Missed potential relationships with men for the sake of children.

And when the time comes to look back at her life, she realizes that her youth is gone, she is already a gray-haired woman, exhausted by such a hard life, who worked several jobs. And then the grown-up children don’t pay any attention to her at all, and you won’t get words of gratitude from them. They will leave and not say thank you. As if it was meant to be. What should she do now? How to soothe your broken heart, to whom to lay your head and with whom to talk about this, so that they don’t judge, but understand?..

Giving to children - and what in return?

What kind of satisfaction can a woman expect who has given her entire life to her children and received nothing in return? What to do about empty nest syndrome? After all, man is the principle of pleasure. And what kind of pleasure could she get without sleeping at night, working three shifts, having lost her relationship? Why, even if everything is good on the outside, are we missing something?

The fact is that in our time giving birth and raising a child is not enough. Previously, yes. This was the role of the woman. This is where it began and this is where it ended. Today, performing the function of past eras, preserving and continuing herself through time, a woman is not filled with the meaning of life, does not receive pleasure. Today she will be a mother at least three times, four times, and she will have at least 10-15 children. And she will raise and educate everyone, and even they will all grow up to be decent people. And they will be grateful to you and give you something in return for your concern. It won't save you from yourself. Now it is impossible to live like 100 years ago and be satisfied with family life.

It is the lack of this gratitude from children and from her husband that creates a gap that a woman must fill by taking her talents and love out into society. Not only for your children and your small family, but by realizing yourself among others. There are children who do not know at all what mom and dad are and are not familiar with this connection. By giving them a piece of ourselves, our love, we are filled much more powerfully from them, from our giving.

Get out of the framework of “my family”, “my children”, look wider at the sides where they need my qualities, my love. Today, women are setting the tone like never before. And the main thing she can do is to realize herself among other people.

And new knowledge will help you with this - system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan. Register

The article was written using materials

“My suffering would be insignificant if I could describe it, but I will not even try. I look everywhere for my dear daughter and cannot find her. My daughter, love me constantly: my soul lives with your love. You make up all my joys and all my sufferings. When I think that the rest of my life will pass away from you, this life seems to me covered with melancholy and darkness. Friends want to prevent me from thinking about you, and this offends me.”

From letters to Madame de Sevigne.

About a third of parents, mostly moms, suffer from what is called “empty nest syndrome.” This is a form of depression that leads to feelings of abandonment and emptiness when children leave home. Their departure brings a mixture of joy, happiness, pride, but also sadness and anxiety. How to survive this difficult period?

The departure of children from the parental home is one of the key stages in the life of a family. This is the beginning of a new chapter in the life of parents, this is a very difficult moment, as the parental function, and especially the maternal one, is transformed and becomes less in demand. The mission to “protect the child” ends at this point. The feeling of emptiness that occurs after the separation of an adult child has never been so strong, since in modern society children are always at the center of family relationships. This period brings alarm and stress, because you have to learn to let go, and not control their life. This is natural and expected.

We must keep in mind in advance that our children will one day have a life without us. They don't belong to us. Our task is to raise them so that they can live away from their parents. You can start preparing your child for independent life in advance, while he is still in college or finishing school, this will help both you and him to survive separation a little easier in the future. In this case, children become less dependent and more independent, which also usually causes anxiety among parents, but to a much lesser extent than a sudden move.

So that life does not stop after the children leave, it is important to discover your interests and comfort separately from them even before this event. Having a profession, personal hobbies, a circle of acquaintances, hobbies, and not filling your entire living space with children - then separation will be easier. If, for example, the mother is in a strong symbiotic relationship with the child, does not have her own personal life, other important relationships, activities, then moving will cause fear, anxiety, a feeling of emptiness, perhaps even offense or anger. It is very difficult to cope with such experiences alone. And here it is important to understand that the child has not disappeared, has not disappeared or rejected you, but there has been an increase in the distance in your relationship, but you also have the opportunity to communicate, meet, see each other. Without separation, further development is impossible, neither yours nor your children's. All the most important things you could do, you have already done.

Children, in turn, may feel guilty when they leave their parents, especially the youngest or only ones. Parents also have their own experience of separation and it is important that they remember and analyze the experiences that arose when their independent life began. After all, the reaction to the departure of children directly depends on how the parents experienced a similar situation at one time, or, for example, they may not have such experience, and then they have to face something for the first time.

For a married couple, Due to the departure of the children, they have to return to relationships with each other. If the family system previously functioned at all levels, that is, the relationships between mother and child, father and child, and mother and father were well built, then this situation will be less traumatic. If, for some reason, the relationship between mom and dad was not established at this point, then after the family composition changes, they will have to meet each other as if anew, without the context of active care for the child. It's not easy either. A lot of time and effort goes into finding new common ground in relationships.

IN In any case, no matter how hard it is, try to discover joy and pride in your son or daughter; they are beginning a new stage in life, exciting and interesting, and they may need your support.

The easier you can let go, the easier it will be for them to turn to you for help or do something for you, and then the relationship will become even stronger and more trusting, and not the other way around, as it seems at first glance - more distant and colder.

Being close does not mean loving, and being at a distance does not mean neglecting

Children grow up, arrange their lives, and become parents themselves. It would seem that everything is fine. But for parents who have raised their children for many years, sparing neither effort nor time for them, it can be difficult to accept that their children are already adults. And it’s especially difficult when children move and parents are left alone. The feeling of uselessness, emptiness, loneliness and sadness in such a situation is combined with the concept of “empty nest syndrome.”

Normative family crisis

Like any living system, a family undergoes changes over time and goes through certain periods: the beginning of life together, the birth of a child, the child growing up, etc. All these transitional stages are called normative crises in psychology. The future of the family depends on how effectively it overcomes the next crisis. Empty nest syndrome is also a normative family crisis.

The more united and happy the family was, the easier the crisis will pass. In separated families, families with overprotection, the departure of a child causes an aggravation of all family problems. This is especially felt if the child was the link between the parents. Single mothers, whose life was completely concentrated around their child, have a hard time experiencing the passing of a child. In this case, negative emotions and shocks are inevitable.

How to deal with empty nest syndrome?

There are several ways out of any family crisis: constructive and destructive. Constructive implies strengthening the personality of the spouse (or spouse), acquiring new meanings and motives in life, developing and realizing oneself in various areas. The destructive option is a worsening depression, lack of desires and goals, fears of loneliness and death. What can parents do to make the exit constructive?

silviarita / Pixabay

1. Let the child go. And the hardest thing is to let him go not physically, but emotionally. He has already grown up, and he can cope with independent life. It should be remembered that the best help to a person is to help him become independent. Be a reliable support for him, but not control him.
2. Find a hobby. Do something interesting that you didn’t have time for because of your children. Now the children have become adults and you can devote time to creativity, handicrafts, travel, meeting with friends and relatives. Active activity will help distract you from negative thoughts and give you confidence in your own abilities.
3. Don't forget about family or personal life. The spouses now have more time for each other. So why not use it?
4. A great opportunity to show social activity and become useful again is volunteering. You can help children, homeless people, animals, and improve the environmental situation.

Life goes on as usual, and change is inevitable. There is a bright side to every change. The children have moved away, but they are happy. And parents can devote more time to themselves. Over time, the sadness of parting will be replaced by joy and pride for adults and independent children.

Content
1. Syndrome, condition, disease?
2. Dangerous symptoms
3. How to avoid becoming an enemy to your own child?
4. Life according to a new scenario
5. Everything will work out!

Syndrome, condition, disease?

Caring for children is a natural desire of parents, which is a powerful basis for a strong family. This need dictates the arrangement of everyday life, takes a lot of time, and makes adjustments to the worldview. For many adults, the mission of parents, caring for and protecting their children, is the most important. A cozy family nest is their main task, a source of pride, a guarantee of peace and harmony.

Someday children become adults and begin to build their own destiny. Adults are ready for this...theoretically. In life, from the moment a son or daughter “flies away” to build their nest, everything turns upside down for parents. A feeling of emptiness, anticipation of loneliness, loss of meaning in life are the first signs of a condition that in psychology is called empty nest syndrome.

Dangerous symptoms

Not all parents of older children become “obsessed” due to separation from their child. Yes, a period of adaptation is inevitable, and you need to mentally prepare for it. How long the process will take depends on many factors. But in some cases you need to sound the alarm: the empty nest crisis often leads to depression! The reason for this may be “talking” symptoms:

1. Endless “excursions” into the past. Have you started looking through children's albums more often, your son's room has turned into a shrine, and gatherings with relatives and friends invariably turn into memories of your child? Consider whether “today” is being replaced by the past tense.
2. Excessive control of children. It’s one thing to periodically call each other and have a calm conversation. It’s quite another to carry out “torture” 10 times a day with a hysterical note in your voice, including a huge list of questions: from the breakfast menu to new acquaintances.
3. Unexpected visits and certainly - with your own key. You need to cook, clean the apartment... And it’s okay that the son or daughter doesn’t need such help - the mother knows better!
4. Excessive use of sedatives. Are there more sedatives and sleeping pills in the house? Congratulations, you're in an empty nest crisis!

How to avoid becoming an enemy to your own child?

All adults were once children, but not many remember how they were hindered by parental control. “But in your time I…”, “Mom won’t give bad advice...”, “You still have no life experience...” - these and similar phrases have already become iconic. Let's figure it out.

At the age of 17, did you want to study, work and knew one hundred percent what you wanted from life?
Did you listen to the advice of adults and follow them unconditionally?
Where will experience come from if you try to do everything instead of children?

A personality can only be realized when it has a certain freedom of action, the right to choose, and reasoned points of view. Plus - the support of relatives who do not “break” the worldview for the sake of “good goals”, but gently, quietly guide, and give competent tips. Are you afraid that you will stumble or get burned? Life experience is least likely to be gleaned from books and the annoying advice of parents. It's simple: if you get burned, you'll know what hot is.

Empty nest syndrome can cause a serious illness that you are unlikely to be able to cope with on your own. An acute state of loneliness often develops into panic, and from it to depression and cardiovascular diseases it is only half a step.

Life according to a new scenario

Growing up children are not a reason to withdraw into oneself, but an incentive to start a new life. Not tomorrow, not from Monday or next month, but today! To forget about the empty nest syndrome, psychologists advise moms and dads to switch to useful things.

1. Think about forgotten hobbies. Surely, at some point, due to lack of time, they gave up knitting, sewing, fishing, and wood burning? It's time to take up your favorite hobby, master its new sides, reveal your talents and, perhaps, become a famous blogger or owner of an online store.
2. Sign up for a gym or fitness class. This will kill two birds with one stone: put your body in order and restore your mental balance. The first classes may be “forced”, but believe me: very soon the gym will become an integral part of life.
3. Go on vacation with your significant other. You don’t have to have a lot of money to do this – travel agencies always have hot offers. By the way, leisure time in nature outside the city is also great!
4. Try to give an abundance of care to those who are in dire need of it. The soul asks - become a volunteer, do charity work, get a dog.

Everything will be alright!

Time cures. The main thing is to take for granted the fact that the child has already grown up and is ready to build his own life. There is a happy future ahead, in which there will be new hobbies, interesting acquaintances, long-awaited meetings with children.

It is quite possible that you will rarely see your sons (daughters), but this should not become a reason for reproaches and questions. Don't be offended if they prefer meeting with friends to visiting you (remember yourself). Become their guardian angels who are always there when needed. Believe me: the children don’t love you any less, they will definitely come for the holidays just like that, but now... let them grow up!