How to close the gestalt. How to properly end affairs and novels Unclosed gestalt in relationships

Unclosed gestalt - this intriguing phrase is used when talking about relationships that cause pain, but do not let you out of the trap. An unfinished gestalt is a personal relationship completed without explanation, and dismissal from a job in which a person “gave his best” to the fullest. And the fear of engaging in a creative project because “it won’t work out,” “they won’t appreciate it,” “I won’t do it well enough.”

Unclosed Gestalt in Action

A person is usually pushed into a state of neurosis or despair by serious failure or fear of failure. Each of us at least once found ourselves in the role of the rejected and misunderstood, but some stepped on fear and continued on their way, while others chose inaction. By the way, most people who are tormented by unclosed gestalts convince others that everything is fine with them. After all, someone else’s careless glance into the soul, a thoughtless phrase or action causes pain.

An unclosed gestalt is also that notorious laziness and fatigue that sometimes prevents us from taking on an interesting but labor-intensive project. Most likely, we would not be lazy if we did not experience the offense once inflicted again and again, if we were not afraid that we would not be understood again.

How do you understand that this unwanted guest has settled in your psyche? If some topic, problem or situation causes you to feel anxiety, unreasonable panic or pain, most likely this is a gestalt that needs completion.

I haven’t been able to finish my portfolio for a year now, and every piece of work is almost ready. But I don't have the strength to complete them. It seems that after a while I will gain more skills and be able to make my portfolio more winning,” a designer friend shares with me. Once upon a time, his projects were used for their own purposes, and he was accused of unprofessionalism and brazenly took advantage of someone else’s creativity without paying for the work done. Now the designer perceives quickly completed work as a source of pain. And when he sees poorly drawn compositions, he experiences something akin to pain and asks the question why mediocre people took first places in our world.

Why did I stop writing articles? Once I sent my materials to a famous magazine, and they answered me that they were not suitable for anything. And after a while I found them in that same magazine, only they were signed with other people’s names,” says the next interlocutor. Several years have passed since that moment, and a person still experiences an unpleasant burning sensation inside, only at the sight of a newspaper or magazine.

“I don’t want a relationship anymore, since the person I loved disappeared from my life, only periodically reminding me of himself,” says another interlocutor. Since this happened, she considers relationships to be identical to pain and simply does not believe that anyone could treat her differently.

How to close a gestalt? Realize that most of your fears are illusory; they will never come true. And just because someone you know failed while trying to open a gallery doesn’t mean the same thing won’t happen for you. Figure out exactly what grievances control you, imagine that this is just a bundle of emotions that you once allowed to influence your life. Sometimes the realization that we are afraid of something unreal allows us to laugh at ourselves and get down to business. Anyone who, from our point of view, is happy, most likely, has failed many times, but continues to search for a way out. For which he was once rewarded.

Unclosed Gestalt and Life Scenarios

Often people with an incomplete gestalt try to realize their dreams by helping others. Thus, parents who failed to become what they wanted push their children onto this path, even if the children see themselves in a different profession. Another example is when parents, having failed in some area, warn their children: “Don’t fly too high, it will hurt to fall.” And these children, who dreamed of becoming artists, writers, actors, choose technical specialties, and then spend their entire lives remembering their childhood dreams with regret.

To understand what an open gestalt is, let us turn to child psychology. After all, all fears come from childhood. The child strives to understand this world from the point of view of formal knowledge and from the position of emotion. If parents force a child to look only at the rational side of things, mental health suffers. This includes working for results, studying not for the sake of interest, but “for good grades,” music school “because it’s necessary,” even if the child wants to study painting, and much more.

Excessive attention to achievements deprives children of their childhood; such children do not know how to enjoy creativity and live from victory to victory. Ultimately, several defeats force them to put their favorite activities on the back shelf. Common situation? According to representatives of Gestalt psychology, when a child does not receive the proper emotional response to his creativity, he believes that the problem lies with him, and not with his parents. Subsequently, such children turn into adults prone to self-examination. In every broken relationship, they wonder what they did wrong and literally drown in their own thoughts, instead of asking themselves what behavior in the future will avoid a breakup. And what prevents them from achieving success is “laziness,” which, in fact, is a lack of self-confidence, multiplied by the thoughts “Who needs this?”, “Nothing will work out.”

Karpman's Drama Triangle

According to German psychiatrist Fritz Perls, an unclosed gestalt forces the “victim” to return to his tormentor again and again, in the hope of getting a little attention. This is how a state close to neurosis appears, when one is tormented by an obsession, while the other supports the “burning” process.

This behavior fits into Karpman's triangle theory, according to which people who are in a state of conflict - with themselves or with others - choose one of three life roles: Rescuer, Victim and Persecutor. At the same time, the Rescuer, in fact, does not provide a way out, but only maintains the illusion of salvation, the Victim is not at all as unhappy as it shows, and the Persecutor is not so involved in aggression as to persecute others. A person does not stay in a specific role for long; after some time, each of the “heroes” moves along the triangle. The Victim puts on the mask of the Rescuer and goes to help others to the detriment of himself. The Persecutor “remembers” that his own mental trauma pushed him onto the path of evil, and takes the position of the Victim. And the Rescuer becomes disillusioned with selflessness, becomes embittered at the whole world and becomes a Persecutor.

To get out of a losing life model, think about what kind of behavior causes aggression or indifference from others. Sometimes it is enough to change a few habits for your environment to begin to change.

How to close a gestalt?

It is impossible to live with the feeling of a wide-open gestalt without at least once being in the position of the Victim. Imagine that your life is a beautiful house, but for some reason the windows are broken. Without inserting new glasses, you risk getting sick, which means that the gestalts must be closed gradually, starting with the one that lies on the surface.

Perhaps you first quit dancing after an angry comment addressed to you, and now you even deny yourself the preparation of your favorite dish. People with open gestalts often strive to “take it out” on others - hence the requirement for increased attention to their own person. If you feel like you haven't received enough love or attention, try giving it to yourself. Think about the last time you did the things you love. Most of them are simple - it could be a walk with a camera, a trip to the skating rink, a dance master class, yoga classes, meditation and many other simple pleasures that we often deny ourselves. And do not forget that both happiness and unhappiness are given to us not by the world around us, but by our attitude to current events.

Asya Shkuro

Few people today have heard of Gestalt therapy, but, as often happens, when a concept becomes a common expression, its meaning becomes blurred and is often lost. Meanwhile, it is much more useful to know what an unfinished gestalt is and work with it than to use this expression in conversation for the sake of a catchphrase. Let's look at what an incomplete gestalt is, how it can prevent you from moving forward, and how to complete it, thereby moving towards your goals.

What kind of animal?

The concept of gestalt is central to the effective and popular direction of gestalt therapy today. If we imagine that the reality in which we exist is background, and various objects, processes are figures, then such a figure is called a gestalt. By “pulling out” figures from the background, we consciously carry out some work with them, and upon completion, the figure merges with the background again. An example of a gestalt can be any process, for example, reading this article, a heart-to-heart conversation with a friend, writing a report or coursework, or a quarrel with a loved one. In order for a person to be psychologically healthy and function normally, Gestalt must always end, that is, to reach its logical conclusion.

That’s how it is, but in reality, each of us has hundreds, thousands of unfinished gestalts. A phone call distracted you from reading, then you got busy and didn’t finish reading the article. A third person unexpectedly intervened in a conversation with a friend, and you did not speak out completely. Instead of finishing your coursework, you postponed it until the fall, and your loved one slammed the door in the middle of a quarrel without listening to everything you wanted to tell him. Thus, in one day four unfinished gestalts were added (in fact, this happens even more often), and so on every day.

My work is unfinished

What happens when you have 20-30 windows of different applications open on an average-performance computer? It starts to freeze, generate system errors and may turn off. This simple analogy helps to understand that incomplete gestalts clog the subconscious, slowing down your work and getting in the way, forcing you to go back to the past and replay unfinished situations. How this happens or why incomplete gestalt is harmful:

1. Unconscious ones appear feelings of anxiety, tension. Over time, this develops into chronic dissatisfaction with life, the reason for which a person cannot understand, constant discomfort and irritation appear.

2. Physiologically incomplete gestalts can be expressed in neuroses, decrease.

3. But the most important thing is that unfinished processes are dangerous - they prevent you from moving forward. If you don't get completion once, you will subconsciously repeat it again and again. return yourself to similar situations, act out lived actions with other (most often involuntary) participants, in general, walk around.

You will learn how incomplete gestalts appear, how to prevent this and complete existing ones.

When some event in the past did not come to its logical conclusion, or a strong desire did not come true, they speak of an unclosed (incomplete) gestalt. In this regard, a person may be haunted by failures, repeated negative scenarios for the development of situations, and a feeling of loss of control over what is happening. Unfinished gestalts can relate to everyday problems, relationships, professional activities, and creativity.

What is Gestalt and how is it formed?

In psychology, the word “gestalt” denotes integrity, a completed cycle. This is a structural unit that is necessary to create a solid foundation for a healthy psyche. Gestalts can be complex or simple, associated with desires that were fulfilled quickly, and a system of relationships built over a long period of time. As a result of any experiences, the human psyche strives for integrity and completeness. If this feeling does not come, then the situation torments the person and does not allow him to relax.

Against the backdrop of unfinished business, anxiety, restlessness, and irritability arise. When it comes to everyday matters, it is easy for a person to understand and eliminate the cause of the disorder.

Complex gestalts are formed throughout life, from early childhood. Emotions, unfinished conversations, unanswered questions turn into problems. It is very difficult to discover the true cause of psychological discomfort. Not all incomplete gestalts are realized by a person without outside help.

The dangers of unfinished business and relationships

An incomplete gestalt is dangerous because it requires the expenditure of a huge amount of mental energy and leads to emotional exhaustion of a person. Its presence provokes various disorders, deterioration of well-being, and decreased critical thinking. Difficulties arise in interpersonal communication, and the adequacy of self-esteem is disrupted. The situation is aggravated by the fact that as time passes, it becomes increasingly difficult to understand situations, and it is difficult to restore the details of what happened. Sometimes the brain blocks memories of tragic events and severe psychological trauma, protecting the psyche at the time of acute experiences. If this has not been properly worked through subsequently, the gestalt remains open, but it is almost impossible to discern it behind all the other problems.

It is for this purpose - eliminating incompleteness - that crisis psychologists work with participants in tragic events.

A person who experiences the loss of a loved one, who is faced with the collapse of his hopes and dreams, who has witnessed catastrophes, will for some time fall under the protection of blocking brain functions. He may see the situation and himself from the outside, not remember the most terrible details, look distant, and be in a stupor. As soon as the first shock passes, an incomplete gestalt is formed - experiences that will traumatize the psyche until the situation is deeply worked out. That is why it is important for a person to speak out, be heard and find comfort.

Incomplete gestalts are skillfully disguised over time: a person complains of insomnia, eating disorders, depression, and a reduced emotional background. Often the causes of various somatic pathologies lie precisely in the sphere of unlived experience of the past.

How to close a gestalt

Modern psychology has a wide arsenal of methods for effectively and safely closing gestalts, some of them are accessible even to a non-specialist:

• Household. The simplest technique is to finish a task left unfinished. These are relatively small gestalts that are effective for solving minor everyday problems. If the number of such small situations is significant, then it has a serious negative impact on mood and well-being. Psychologists advise making a list of small household tasks that have been abandoned for some reason. To begin with, you should choose the three simplest tasks, the completion of which does not require large material costs or significant investment of time and effort. Closed gestalts are immediately crossed out from the list, and among the remaining ones, three more are chosen, a little more complicated. They do this until it ends.
• Unfinished gestalts related to love, family, friends, relationships with a man are more difficult to close. In this situation, a frank conversation and a detailed elaboration of your feelings and emotions associated with events help. If the relationship cannot be brought to its logical conclusion, you must try to stop reacting to them emotionally. This is difficult work, but carefully monitoring thoughts and images associated with an unresolved situation and refusing to worry is very effective.
• Forgotten gestalt. Sometimes the memory does not retain accurate information about an unresolved event, but the feeling of causeless anxiety does not go away. In this case, non-projective techniques will help - drawing or other types of visual creativity. Often they help identify the image with which discomfort is associated and work through this part of the past.

An effective therapy option is literary creativity - writing stories and fairy tales in which events related to an unfinished gestalt, an unfulfilled dream or an experienced loss develop differently. This method is a simulation of alternative situations that helps solve the problem in a safe and effective way.

How funny it is to watch children trying to teach a cat to walk on two legs, or to eat at the table, sitting on a chair in a human position. But it becomes no laughing matter when specialists, professional psychologists, to whom people entrust their destinies, begin to do the same.

An incomplete gestalt is a goal that we associate with people, places, or situations, they say. This is an UNACCEIVED goal that leaves a feeling of incompleteness, discomfort, and even stress. An incomplete gestalt leads to the fact that we try to realize our goals in other situations, with other people, thereby building a deliberately unsuccessful scenario.

It would seem that everything is logical, but let’s look at this notorious unfinished gestalt from the position of system-vector psychology using a specific example.

Unfinished gestalt in relationships

The heroine of our story, who was suddenly abandoned by a young man without explaining the reason for the separation, turned to a psychologist for advice. Having previously read a lot of literature and learned about the existence of incomplete gestalts, she diagnosed herself. She wanted to know from the psychologist what to do, how to complete this gestalt. Of course, the psychologist had something to tell her...

- If you solve a problem with the help of Gestalt therapy, you need to get very angry. Just think, your man seduced you, persuaded you into a relationship, and after he achieved his goal, he abandoned you. This is exactly why you should be angry with him, since this is where the incomplete gestalt lies.

In giving this advice, the psychologist was guided by the theory that any loss must go through three stages of experience: denial, anger, sadness. But, not having the skills to differentiate people by vectors, the psychologist, without knowing it, tried to impose the state of one vector onto a completely different vector.

Who experiences an unfinished gestalt?

The feeling of incompleteness that appears when a relationship ends abruptly can only occur in a person with an anal vector. We can judge that our heroine is the owner of this particular vector not only based on the fact that she has identified an unfinished gestalt in herself, but also from her backstory:

“There have been many breakups with men in my life. I forgave someone, someone forgave me.”

Already from a short phrase we understand that forgiveness is important for this person. And forgiveness belongs to the anal value system.

The owners of this vector have another important property - the ability to take offense and harbor a grudge for a long time. An unforgiven grudge against a man can lead to sadistic tendencies, pathological mistrust, and simply an inability to build normal relationships with men. You will learn a little later in this article about why knowledge of this property is so important for us.

Who is dangerous to be angry?

In therapy with a gestalt therapist, our heroine, the owner of the anal vector, corrects the incomplete gestalt, remembering all the negativity that was in her relationship with this man. About how he cunningly seduced her, how he made her believe in the sincerity of his feelings, how he left her without explaining the reason for the separation, how he began to build a relationship with her friend behind her back. How she wrote him phone messages and he ignored them. How she called him, but he did not pick up the phone and did not answer her messages on social networks.

But the owner of the anal vector, even without the support of a psychologist, constantly replays all the details of his offense in his head. And if the correctness of these actions is indicated by a psychologist - an authoritative person, then he will consciously plunge deeper and deeper into a state of resentment, which as a result will haunt him throughout his life. This will cause distrust in men and the inability to create happy relationships.

Does it exist, an unfinished gestalt?

Of course, one cannot deny the existence of the problem of incomplete gestalt. After all, a certain group of people, as we already know, people with the anal vector, have a very difficult time experiencing an abrupt end to a relationship or any process.

This trend could not be ignored, because it occurs in approximately 20% of people. But modern research is characterized by one big, sometimes fatal error, which arises due to the so-called “data extrapolation” in professional circles.

Simply put, if in a group that sociologists or psychologists study, the majority of people exhibit a certain characteristic, this characteristic is assigned to the entire society. Likewise, an incomplete gestalt, according to psychologists, can arise in every person.

The problem of an incomplete gestalt in a love relationship can only arise among owners of the anal and visual vectors. Knowing this, you can give precise recommendations that will really help you get out of this state. Traditional psychologists, who do not have this knowledge, choose other methods. Well, we already know what consequences they can lead to.

How to “complete” an unfinished gestalt?

As they say, prevention is better than cure. Knowledge of system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan allows you to learn how to properly end a relationship, so that the breakup brings a minimum of pain and anxiety. So that the audience does not fall into melancholy, but smoothly transitions into a state of mild sadness. And the owners of the anal vector did not give themselves the right to be offended. After all, even traditional psychologists understand how important and how difficult it is to get rid of resentment.

“Understand and forgive,” they say, but they don’t know HOW to do it. Endless hours of work, constant living of the same states - this is what Gestalt therapy offers. But it doesn’t give results! Without knowledge of the methodology of forgiveness, incomplete gestalts will appear one after another, and each of them will leave grievances that do not allow building happy relationships.

System-vector psychology allows you not only to deal with the consequences of unsuccessful relationships, but also to foresee scenarios in which relationships with this or that person will develop. To understand which person can leave without saying the last word and leaving behind only an unfinished gestalt, and which one can give happy years of life.

Here's what one of the participants in the training on system-vector psychology, Yulia, says about her small and big grievances:

With healthy functioning of the psyche, incomplete gestalts are stimulants of certain behavior and give impetus for some actions. However, in cases of impaired self-regulation, some needs are interrupted and remain chronically unfulfilled, which leads to constant tension. Under the weight of an incomplete gestalt, a person becomes incapable of recognizing and actualizing new, significant needs. An incomplete gestalt is a chain that chains a person to certain people, events, places and life moments. People with unfinished situations try to complete them with other people, in other relationships, causing a lot of inconvenience to others and making themselves unhappy. Human nature is characterized by the desire for completeness of actions, a feeling of integrity and tranquility. From time to time, it makes sense to wonder whether you are playing out your unfinished gestalts in your relationships with people, imposing on innocent citizens the roles required for your performance. You may be unhappy with some previous relationship in your life, subconsciously returning to it again and again to try to complete and fill the hole that once formed. Incompleteness arises from emotions that do not find expression - love, guilt, regret about something missed. If you fail to fulfill your emotional need in a timely and proper manner, this chain closes. Mentally returning to situations and events of the past, you experience discomfort from an unfinished gestalt. All this blocks your actions, being a source of chronic tension, anxiety and displeasure. It is not always easy to forgive a person with whom you have something in common, forget him and let him go. Emotional attachment, even if unconscious, can persist for a long time. And unfinished actions, in turn, feed on neuroses, insomnia, stress and unnecessary worries, incapacitating you and depriving you of the ability to concentrate. As the English writer and philosopher Oscar Wilde aptly noted, in order to overcome temptation, you need to succumb to it. It is quite possible to constructively complete the needs of the distant (or not very distant) past. Play out these circumstances mentally or with other people who will be aware of what you need. Talk to someone about your needs and fantasize about how things could actually end up. If you manage to accept things as they are or become indifferent to them, this is also a good option at the end of the gestalt.